Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I still miss him after all of this!

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I still miss him after all of this!

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 24 total)
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  • #865770 Reply
    LowLow
    Participant

    It was a bit different 25-30 years ago. My bad.

    #865771 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    Things do change and how they are handled changes.

    You’ll see that for yourself when you daughter gets to school.

    I think every generation of parents has to adapt to the difference between when they were kids to the current day. My kids are 9 years apart in age and I saw things change in the decade between when he was in school and when she was in school.

    #865774 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    What would the equivalent be for thirty years ago? Him handing her photos of other girls printed from one hour photo? Calling her on the landline? Nothing he’s done is worthy of violence, even by standards of 30 years ago. Women don’t need men to handle their relationships for them.

    She chooses to stay in contact with him. She can choose to not allow him to contact her.

    #865778 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    @Low, I get the sentiment, I really do. I remember a situation in high school where one of the guys on the football team was smacking his girlfriend around, and some of the other guys caught up with him one night and, um, “explained” things to him. As far as I know, he never hit her again. That’s correction by peers, IMO, and I find it hard to see it as a bad thing.

    In this case, this woman’s problems are due to her being a doormat for her POS ex, and she’s going to have to learn to stand up for herself, or she’s going to be in this position again. People who don’t have any self respect get stepped on a lot.

    #865780 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I understand the theory behind a bunch of guys “explaining the situation” to a jerk but there is a huge difference in the two scenarios.

    There is not any actual violence or abuse happening in her post.

    #865784 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    That’s true, @anonymousse. And you’re right.

    #865785 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    It might have been how things were dealt with 25-30 years ago Low but you’re still talking about dealing with things like that now, not cool. If you’re genuine about dealing with your PTSD issues I’d stop idealising such violent outcomes, it doesn’t speak well to your commitment.

    #865788 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Someone close to me had a male in the household who was beating up their mom. One time she was hospitalized, and the policemen took the abuser out back and beat the shit out of him behind the dumpster. That, I actually approve of.

    But yeah, this situation, she just needs to hit the “block,” “delete,” and “do not disturb” buttons.

    #865795 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    It’s important that she learn to set boundaries for herself. She has to learn that there are times to cut off all contact for your own good. She has to learn that she is responsible for her own happiness. She doesn’t have to let people treat her badly. She needs to learn that love shouldn’t be used to treat you cruelly and that when love hurts it is usually time to leave.

    #865805 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    LW — you are pining for a relationship you described as toxic and with a cheater who enjoys toying with you, like a cat with a mouse, before it kills the mouse. But, yeah, since you’re pining for him this badly, you definitely should try to get back together with him. That way he will 100% own you and can do anything he wants to do with or too anyone, including you. Are you very sure that’s what you want? Just totally block him and respond to nothing. If your friend kisses him 5 times, tell her no apology needed, she can have him.

    #865909 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    This guy is like a drug. You want that “hit” because you think that means he cares. He doesn’t; he does not care about you – even when he’s being nice, he doesn’t care about you. He’s being kind in that moment to keep you coming back. He cares that you care. All he wants is to control you and make sure you don’t leave. He’s a sadist and he’s cruel.

    And your friend sucks too. Kissing him to make him shut up is one of the stupidest excuses I’ve heard in a long time (and I’m old).

    Do not keep toxic people in your life because of history. History is the past – you need to move forward. Keep people in your life that move you forward, not hold you back.

    #866756 Reply
    avatardirtorsoil
    Guest

    He is a massive asshole and so is your BFF. Ofc they both needed to tell you so urgently (at 4am???) about this low grade cheating because they knew it would upset you… I hope you understand that your ex (who you love) is doing this _on purpose_ b/c he knows it makes you feel like shit. He is doing it in b/c he likes the sense of power it gives him. Also who cares who either one of them did it? Tell them both to fuck off and mean it. Find new friends b/c this crowd sounds like the equivalent of a human garbage fire. You sound young so I think that’s where the intensity of your limerance for this dude comes from. In a year you will be like “why did I waste my time on a POS?”. Do you future self a favor and cut both of them out of your life like the tumors they are. You owe it to yourself!

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