Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Told Him I Wouldn’t Move in With Him Before Marriage, But I Did and Now He Won’t Discuss Marriage”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “I Told Him I Wouldn’t Move in With Him Before Marriage, But I Did and Now He Won’t Discuss Marriage”

This topic contains 33 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar SpaceySteph 5 days, 19 hours ago.

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  • #835099 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    “I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. He’s honestly the best, most kind human being I’ve ever known. He was married for 8 years. His marriage ended with a long, hurtful affair on his wife’s part. Fast forward, we met each other and quickly made a relationship many would envy. 9 months into the relationship, he was offered a promotion at his job and needed to move. He asked me to move in with him.. help him find a house..because he wanted to find a house I’d be comfortable with too. Long before he asked me to move in, I told him (several times) marriage was really important to me and that I would never move in with a man I wasn’t married to, because I had made that mistake before and wouldn’t do it again. Well, I did it. I moved in with a man I wasn’t married to. Make matters worse, I uprooted my life and job I had for several years to be with him. We’ve been living together now for a year. I cook, clean, buy groceries, help with house Payne t, etc. still have no ring, or even talks of one. I put myself out on the line by moving in.. and feel like he hasn’t proven his commitment yet. So, my gut tells me to pack my bags and kindly explain why I’m leaving, and take my butt back to Birmingham. However, he is still the most amazing man I’ve ever known. After all this time we have yet to fight or argue. Our love story is one they make movies about.. but I don’t have a ring and he hasn’t really even talked about a future. He married his ex wife after 6 months of knowing each other. She hurt him immensely. I get that. But he’s made it clear to me that he understands what we have is unlike anything he’s known before. Several times he told me that he thought he loved his ex but didn’t realize what love was until he met me. Marriage is a big deal for me. I thought I conveyed that to him several times. I’m done playing hours. He’s almost 40 and I’m in my 30s. I want a husband and a family. Is it time to go? Thanks for your help.”

    #835102 Reply

    “After all this time we have yet to fight or argue.”

    Because, you apparently just avoid difficult subjects and just silently stew on them.

    I’m not advocating the total drama that some writers seem to have (eg. “We’ve been together 4 whole days and we’ve had our ups and downs.”) but if something is very important to you, you need to discuss it. It may turn into an argument, but if you just pack and leave you’ve lost the relationship anyway. Why not discuss it and get to the bottom of things?

    #835103 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    You gave up your wants and showed him you were fine with that. It is a problem he won’t discuss it with you, but I wasn’t clear if you are bringing it up or just saying he hasn’t brought it up. Communication!! Also, I can’t tell exactly how long you’ve been together, you said after 9 months you moved for him, but if you are only a year in, perhaps he isn’t ready to be married. That is fairly soon to become engaged. You really don’t know the person fully yet. Also, having no arguments, which of course feels wonderful, means you don’t really know him yet. You learn a lot from someone from an argument: how they fight, how they communicate, compromise, possible anger issues, etc.

    You need to talk to him. Tell him what you want, that you need it sooner than later, and explain it is a conversation that you need to have happen.

    #836074 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Everything they said ^^.

    I’m also not clear on what the title means by “he won’t discuss it with me,” but it doesn’t sound like you’ve initiated a serious discussion.

    You should probably tell him how much you love and appreciate and are amazed by him. And that what you want and need is a husband and a family. And your dearest wish would be to have that with him. And that in order to continue as you are (having, let’s be honest, given up your life and career and independence to be essentially his live-in girlfriend and housekeeper), you will need a commitment in that direction. Is there any reason that he cannot marry you this year? Yes? Great, let’s talk about it. Can we get there? No? Great, what I need right now is an engagement, so let’s do that and start planning a wedding. If none of this is in the near future for us, I’m really sad, because I think what we have is so special. But I need to know, because if it’s not, I need to move on and pursue my career and my need for a marriage and children.

    #836076 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    And i know you’ve said several times to him that marriage is important to you, but you *showed* him that it actually isn’t, because you moved with him and gave up everything without being married or engaged. You now need to show him that it is in fact that important to you by having this conversation and demonstrating that you’ll need to move on if you two aren’t on the same page.

    #836077 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Yup – you haven’t fought because neither of you is bringing your issues to the table. I don’t know if he’s avoiding issues the way you are. But it’s clear that you are diminishing your own needs for his.

    I don’t think he can be that amazing if you are either so scared he’ll dump you for insisting that your needs are important or he simply ignores you / avoids the discussion because he doesn’t want to deal with it.

    #836079 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Saying marriage is important to you is completely different than having a conversation about your future and where you see it headed. Have an honest conversation. Tell him you want to be married and start a family and you want that to happen soon.

    What has he said about marriage? Does he shut down? Does he shrug it off? Does he say ok and that’s where the conversation ends?

    #836080 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    The thing is, he absolutely owes it to you to be honest. It’s not acceptable for him to simply say “okay,” or brush you off. You need to ask the question and he needs to give you an answer, even if that answer is, I’m not ready yet but I think I could get there in X timeframe. Or even if the answer is, I love you but I can’t marry you.

    If you can’t ask these questions and / or he can’t or won’t answer, then he’s not the man you think he is. Your relationship isn’t what you think it is.

    #836081 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    You should stop it with all that “our relationship is perfect” and “the reason they make movies about” crap because it’s not true. Your relationship is definitely not perfect. You don’t talk. Start talking and communicating with him.

    #836088 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Oh, I agree with you @kate. I was curious how these conversations went between them, or if they were conversations at all? My impression is that she tells him she wants to be married and then that’s it. She should definitely start a conversation regardless of his reaction.

    #836091 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah that’s how I read it too. Was agreeing with you.

    #836093 Reply
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    Logan

    if marriage is so important and everything is sunshine and what not, why don’t you just propose to him????

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