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Dear Wendy

“I Told Him I Wouldn’t Move in With Him Before Marriage, But I Did and Now He Won’t Discuss Marriage”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “I Told Him I Wouldn’t Move in With Him Before Marriage, But I Did and Now He Won’t Discuss Marriage”

This topic contains 33 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar SpaceySteph 2 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 34 total)
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  • #836094 Reply
    Lilly Pad

    “I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. He’s honestly the best, most kind human being I’ve ever known”

    “he is still the most amazing man I’ve ever known. After all this time we have yet to fight or argue. Our love story is one they make movies about”

    Stop the fantasy, you have one relationship in your head and one in real life and they are very different. Your love story may be one movies are made about but its definitely not the fairy tale you have in your head. Your not fighting because you don’t discuss anything of importance, whether its due to you not pushing the conversation or him not allowing the conversation either way it means your relationship is not there. If you can’t discuss whats important to you your not an equal and its time to go.

    #836096 Reply

    Sigh. As soon as I hear “the most amazing boyfriend in the world,” “a relationship many would envy,” “the most amazing man I have ever known,” and “our love story is one they make movies about,” I can see the crash and burn coming.

    What you described in your letter is pretty far from a relationship I would envy. You passively go along with what Prince Charming wants and cook and clean for him, hoping he’ll reward you with a ring. You’re waiting for him to decide how the rest of your life will go. You don’t fight because you don’t talk about the difficult stuff.

    If you want to get married, tell him so. Not in the form of an ultimatum, but a conversation about how you each see your future together. Have you talked about money? Kids? Religion?

    #836098 Reply

    Ah, Special Love(tm).

    Isn’t this the same letter Anonymousse was talking about here?

    #836099 Reply

    Oh man, I’ve got Special Love in my head now…. damn you Vathena!

    #836100 Reply

    She wrote to captain awkward, too. There are other details in the others, like she has brought it up and he’s not done anything. She asked for a ring and he said he didn’t know how to buy one…

    #836103 Reply

    I’d start by asking him what he wants from your relationship. Listen carefully. Don’t assume I want to spend my life with you means he wants to marry you. If he doesn’t specifically say he wants marriage assume he is avoiding that word because he doesn’t want marriage. Tell him what you want from the relationship. If he refuses to answer this basic question you should leave because the future you want isn’t going to happen.

    If he says he wants to marry you ask what kind of timeline he sees for that happening. If he gives you a timeline tell him whether that timeline works for you. If his answer is vague or too distant in the future I would assume marriage isn’t going to happen. If he sees you getting married in five or ten years that probably isn’t good. If he says he’d like to get married some day, not good. If he can’t even comfortably give you an idea of when he would be ready for marriage I’d leave.

    Ask if he wants children. If he says yes ask if he sees himself having children with you. Tell him when you would like to have children and why. Something like I need to have children within the next five years because my fertility will be falling rapidly after that point is a very valid thing. If he doesn’t want children or can’t say he sees himself having children with you then you need to leave.

    A refusal to discuss these things is a refusal to plan a future with you. If he won’t plan a future with you then it is time to leave.

    #836105 Reply

    I’m not so sure the Captain Awkward letter is from the same poster. I just re-read it and it doesn’t have any of the over-the-top “he’s the most perfect-est man EVER” stuff that this letter does.

    I think it’s a pretty common situation, TBH. Woman doesn’t want to move without a ring, man makes vague noises about proposing “soon,” a couple years go by and there’s still no ring.

    I don’t see anything in this LW’s letter that indicates her guy actually wants to get married to her. He’s said he didn’t know what love was until he met her, but there’s nothing there about “and I want to marry you.” You can love someone with your whole being and still not want to marry them.

    I’m reading this as he loves her, he’s happy living with her and being a couple, but he’s either not sure he wants to re-marry, or not sure he’s going to be with her forever. He’s hedging because he knows she wants the ring, and he’s afraid she’ll leave if he says he doesn’t want to get married.

    #836107 Reply

    LW, you need to pack up and go, that’s my feeling. If you are the LW who has written in to multiple advice columnists, it seems like you’ve approached this from a few different angles and although it’s unclear what his response has been, you aren’t getting the commitment you wanted on the timeline you wanted.

    He actually doesn’t sound that amazing. Never fighting or arguing isn’t really that great of a thing, because it’s clear from this engagement problem that you don’t stand up for what you want. You defer to what he wants. You will stay without an engagement. You will move across the country and deal with your unhappiness without asking for what you want, what he agreed to. You are quiet about your feelings and possibly subservient. Did he actually agree to the engagement? Did he give you a timeline for when he’d propose? A man who wanted to marry you wouldn’t shy away from the conversation. Bringing it up shouldn’t spook him into not loving you.

    One of problems is you aren’t asking the difficult questions. And I think it’s a good thing you haven’t gotten engaged or married, because you both can’t seem to talk about the tough stuff. Communication is really important to a real relationship and absolutely crucial in a marriage. If you never talk about the important things in life that you know might lead to a disagreement, you are going to have a superficial relationship that never delves deeper. It’s not love when you are afraid to talk to your partner.

    You’re young. I know you think you’re living a rom com fantasy relationship, but it doesn’t sound that way to me. If this was a rom com, he’d be all over getting engaged and married and wanting to reassure you. There’s a difference between rom coms and real life, but your relationship sounds kind of like an illusion. You thought he checked all the boxes on the amazing guy list, but he’s proving not to be that guy.

    You should ask all those tough questions. Write them down if you have to, to stay focused and get the answers you need. Try not to get over emotional (I know, it’s hard) talking about these things calmly will lead to clear answers, I think. To me it sounds like you brought it up while crying and he said what he needed to in the moment to make the crying stop. Which shows his priorities. If he deflects and doesn’t give you real answers, press him to clarify. If he can’t or won’t, or this turns into a fight-I think you know what you need to do.

    I hope you get the answers you need.

    #836108 Reply

    LW please talk to your partner about a marriage timeline! Try to focus on when you’re gonna get married rather than when engagement happens because I know so many people in your exact situation that moved from ‘no ring no marriage in sight’ to ‘said yes, has ring, still no marriage in sight’. My uncle and his girlfriend have been engaged for 11 years now and since she pushed him so hard to get the ring, now she’s afraid to push to make the actual marriage part happen. Don’t end up in a situation like hers! The worst that can happen if you sit him down and talk to him is your partner telling you marriage isn’t an option and you’ll have to make a difficult choice then. That’s still better than being in sad limbo eternally.

    #836109 Reply

    I don’t know if it’s the same person, but I think it’s likely that it is and that she’s trying to get a different answer than what she’s been given.

    #836111 Reply
    Dixie Dalton

    Anontmousse is right. I made the same mistake with my first husband. I waited years. It wasn’t until I got fed up and didn’t want to marry him anymore. Then, it took h four months to convince me to marry him. Leave. He might change his mind. Or he won’t and you can get on with your life.

    #836112 Reply

    L for L —
    He has brought his issues to the table and has always gotten his way, so no need for prolonged discussion. She seems to have strong feelings about marriage, which she is afraid to pursue, so they don’t fight about that either. LW is so passive that she is never going to get anything other than what she now has. But, because of that there will never be a fight. She also seems to do all the housework/cooking, so he actually has no reason to even strongly ask for anything.

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