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Dear Wendy

“I Told Him I Wouldn’t Move in With Him Before Marriage, But I Did and Now He Won’t Discuss Marriage”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “I Told Him I Wouldn’t Move in With Him Before Marriage, But I Did and Now He Won’t Discuss Marriage”

This topic contains 33 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar SpaceySteph 2 months ago.

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  • #836113 Reply

    right @Dixie Dalton LEAVE!

    #836114 Reply

    I’m not on the “leave him” train yet. It isn’t apparent from the letter writer exactly how clearly she conveyed her desire to be married.

    She says she told him she didn’t want to live together before marriage, but then moved in. Has she stated it in the year since then? Moving in at 9 months, he may have been thinking it was early for marriage, but asking her to move in made it clear he was committed to the relationship. Now, a year later, if she hasn’t brought it up, it could seem (from his view) that she just changed her mind and marriage isn’t a deal for her any more. Saying “I thought I conveyed that to him” is a far cry from “we talked about it and he said no.”

    This whole thing is just a mess caused by not communicating and expecting the other person to just magically know what you’re thinking. Talk to him. If he says he doesn’t want to marry you, then you know to pack it in.

    #836115 Reply

    Agree, you need to have a real conversation first, but he also needs to know that you will need to move out and move on if he’s not able to commit to a marriage timeline.

    #836116 Reply

    A marriage timeline needs to include when you would get engaged and when you would get married. Don’t get married without a general agreement about when the marriage would happen.

    You need to be able to talk enough to understand any hesitation or how much time he may need. If he says he doesn’t want to be engaged yet because he realized after three years he made a mistake getting married to his ex you could compromise by suggesting you get engaged this spring but wait two years for the wedding and that you would actively start planning the wedding in a year.

    If he can’t share his hangups and concerns with you then move on. If he can’t give any firm timeline move on. If he wants to get engaged without an agreement on when the marriage would happen move on.

    #836117 Reply

    @ron – agreed. I’m saying that she’s obviously sublimating all of her needs but I don’t know if he’s doing the same. However, she put her needs on the table and he’s either studiously avoiding them or he’s completely and totally self-absorbed and doesn’t realize that she gave, he took and now the pendulum needs to swing the other way.

    My guess is it’s a little of both. She said she wouldn’t move in until she was married. She moved in, they’re not married so clearly she changed her mind. Why would he think it’s still a big deal to her?

    If they haven’t argued about anything, then either she’s giving in on everything or he’s the chillest guy in the world.

    #836131 Reply

    I doubt he’s that chill a guy. He’s chill because he a)doesn’t really care that much about LW – if he gets everything his way then she’s a pleasant addition to his life, but she’s not a necessity to him and if she doesn’t want what he wants, or be willing to sublimate her own wants, then he will be gone. In her gut, she knows that, which is why she is so passive about pushing her own needs. He doesn’t want marriage, because he doesn’t want to compromise his wants. She’s taught him that he doesn’t have to.

    #836151 Reply

    Have a real conversation with him. Don’t be coy. Tell him what you want and ask what he wants. Then, if he indicates he wants to get married, then ask for specific concrete actions. Don’t give an ultimatium (who wants to marry someone who is only marrying them so they don’t get dumped?), but in your mind, give yourself a deadline and if you don’t see any results by then, yes, leave.

    Right now, the evidence is there that he doesn’t really care about your interest in marriage (partially because you showed him it’s not as important as you said), but sure, give it one last chance to see if your signals just got crossed.

    But I gotta say that if I dated someone who had been in a bad marriage, I would feel the need to be extra cautious in determining if they are interested in marrying me. It’s not uncommon for folks with that experience to be turned off from marriage, and though it wouldn’t stop me from dating them necessarily, I’d still be on the lookout more than someone who hadn’t been married before (or who had an amicable divorce).

    #836306 Reply

    Why do you want legal marriage? Make sure you know before you discuss with him. When do you want kids, how many and how will you raise them? Will you stay home? Willing to work a not so nice job if times are tough? Are you open to a prenup? Decide what you want then discuss calmly and LISTEN to what he wants so you’ll understand then think about it

    #837208 Reply

    First of all, you gave him an ultimatum and then didn’t stick to it. That’s why you’re both stuck in a rut that is going nowhere and that’s why he’s not discussing marriage.

    Second of all, if you’re a relationship where you’re pulling ultimatums in general AND especially before you are in a situation with a higher level of commitment, like an engagement or marriage, it’s a sign that the relationship is unhealthy and that you should leave.

    #837382 Reply

    It sounds like you have plenty TO fight about so if you don’t ever fight its because you are too meek and passive to assert your needs.

    And you know what kind of love they pretty much never make movies about? Functional Love. Happy Love. Mundane every day love stories of people going about their regular lives, communicating effectively, and working as a team to common life goals like buying a house, having a couple of kids, walking their dog, and living their damn lives.
    Because that moving would be boring as shit and nobody would watch it. But that life? Is pretty damn awesome. Look for that life.

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