I want my boyfriend to prove he loves me
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Ultimatums are a poor stratagem. It either builds resentment and/or just postpones the breakup. You say he doesn’t listen to what you want in life. That’s a very serious issue, and it’s not going to be solved by giving it more time — that’s part of his character, he’s always going to put his desires first because while he views you as ok and better than not having a gf, he doesn’t care about you enough to see you as worth making compromises between his and your wants so that you can be relaxed and happy. I think you recognize that this is an unequal relationship in which you care a lot more about him than he does about you. When you have to find a way for him to prove his love for you, that’s just another way of saying you already know that love isn’t there and are stringing yourself along (as much as he is) because a break up will be unpleasant for you as well as him.
That’s what you need to do. Break up now. Be an adult. No ultimatum. Just tell him your needs aren’t being met in this relationship and you’re leaving. He may try to get you back. He probably won’t. You’ll have a tough, sad few months, but you’ll be free to find a new relationship in which you have no doubt whether or not your bf actually loves you.
Why would you even want to stay in a relationship in which his love for you is a matter of doubt in your mind? That’s insane.
Getting engaged won’t change the fact that you don’t feel that he loves you. It won’t change the fact that he won’t discuss a shared life in a sense of planning it together. It won’t change the fact that you feel he isn’t committed. All of those things need to come before the engagement. Don’t get engaged to a man who refuses to allow you to jointly plan a life together.
You should break up. If he wanted to be engaged you’d be engaged by now. You could even be married by now. When a guy wants to marry you he talks marriage in a very concrete way. He talks about when you should get engaged instead of cutting off the discussion by saying it is a surprise and you’ll ruin it by talking. You can’t ruin things in life by talking about them. You could agree to get engaged in the next month and he could still surprise you with the time and the place. The refusal to talk and plan is a refusal to have a shared future. All of his actions say he doesn’t want to get engaged. Believe his actions and move on.
So, I’m in a similar position in that I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 4 years and he hasn’t proposed. He’s still hurt from when his former fiancee cheated on him, and he’s scared of being hurt again. I’m fully aware that he may be using that as an excuse, and that he may never propose. However, the difference between me and you, Astrid, is that I don’t feel the need for him to prove that he loves me. I know he loves me because he shows it in other ways. Also, we have a great relationship. I’m happy to stay with him because I love him and love our life together, although I know he may never propose. While I would like to be married, my main goal in life is to be happy, and I am happy. You don’t sound happy and it doesn’t sound like you guys have a great relationship. You sound resentful that you’ve supported his ambitions, whatever that entailed. I don’t know if you can bounce back from that.
If he wanted to marry you, you’d be engaged. This popular culture myth that marriage is something the woman drags out of the man is nutso. Someone who needs to be badgered into marrying you isn’t going to be a good husband. The proposal is the easy part. Navigating together the 40-50 years that follow is the hard part.
Why would you want to marry someone who doesn’t care what you want, puts you on the back burner, and isn’t excited about committing to you? The issue is that YOU want to commit to someone who doesn’t value you.
The issue with ultimatums is not just that they won’t ever propose. The bigger issue is that you potentially pressure someone into marrying you who doesn’t want to marry you. It’s not like it becomes a situation where they just learn to live with it. They will eventually leave, except the difference is that it’s harder to get out of a marriage and you potentially have kids to worry about.
It’s also concerning to me that you think having a baby is a good way to make someone commit and that “pride” is what’s stopping you. The only thing worse than marrying someone who doesn’t want to marry you is having a baby with them.
In the future, only date people who want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
A more appropriate title to this letter is “I Want My Boyfriend To Love Me.” Sorry, you can’t make that happen. You possibly can make him propose without a fixed marriage date and be unhappy for 3 more years with him as he stretches out the engagement, just as he has stretched out the proposal. He’s happy with things the way they are, but he doesn’t want to forego what he sees as a reasonable possibility of finding another woman he will view as better than you. That’s what refusal to commit to marriage means. He doesn’t see you as being great enough to stop looking for better. “There is always divorce”, but that is messy; he wants complete freedom to walk away if somebody else strikes his fancy.
I’m a little weary of people who set an arbitrary timeline for when they should get married. You can’t plan to meet the right person. It happens when it happens.
It’s fine to want to get married, but you shouldn’t just marry the first guy that you can convince to propose to you. You should want to marry your partner because you love them and you want to build a life with them specifically, not just because you want a ring on your finger.
This guy has made it very clear through his actions that he doesn’t want to marry you. You want to get married, so the two of you don’t fit. You should break up. But don’t rush down the aisle with the next guy just because of your timeline.
Me too, @MMR. I find it absolutely baffling that someone could put getting married on a timeline, as if it’s a thing that exists by itself. Thoughts of marriage come *after* you’ve built such a strong, committed relationship with someone that you know you’ll be together for the rest of your lives. It’s not a natural next step in all relationships, even in the really good ones. Lots of people have lifelong, deeply loving relationships and never marry.
When you say “I have to be married by the time I’m X years old,” you set yourself up to settle. Look at what you’re doing in this relationship. You’re not even sure the guy loves you – you’re looking for proof – and yet you’re so desperate for him to propose to you that you’re talking about ultimatums and babies. You look at marriage as something you’re owed for supporting his dreams. You put in your time, now you deserve a ring.
Break up with this guy and spend some time learning what marriage is really all about.
If you need a proposal for proof that he loves you, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him, let alone engaged or married. You’d know it if he loved you, you’d know it if you were headed towards marriage or not. If you feel you have to resort to ultimatums and threats to feel secure and loved, it’s time to end it.
Being married is not an item to check off the list.First off LOVE IS LOVE. Getting down on one knee with a rock doesnt really change true love… or the lack thereof. Are you sure he wants to be with you forever?
Second, while I understand your feelings, MAYBE HE HAS PLANNED TO PROPOSE A FEW TIMES but before he could you ruined it by crying and complaining. That would take away from it being special and make it seem forced. So maybe he keeps putting it off due to that. Try not mentioning it for a long time!
My hubby and I were together for 4 1/2 years before we got married. I didnt care it took that long. I knew he would always be there and would always love me. And when he did propose it was amazing, on a tropical island vacation, total surprise!
