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Dear Wendy

I was cheating with a married man and it got messy

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  • This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by avatarron.
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  • #878412 Reply

    So I met this man at work. He was slightly older but I knew the day that I met him we had some sort of attraction. But then I found out he was married. This deflated me but we still stayed friends. We started talking more, having lunch together, getting the same train home after work, sometimes shopping around for a while. I could tell I was catching feelings but I ignored it because of course he was married. His wife went away on a business trip one day in august and this was when me and him stayed up all night texting as his wife wasn’t with him. He admitted feelings to me and I did the same to him. For a while it was awkward but then we both accepted that nothing could be done and we wouldn’t let it ruin our friendship. But then one day he ended up kissing me at work and I kissed him back and that’s where it all began. We began the cheating. We used to meet during his work hours and just talk and kiss and go out on dates. He used to treat me better than a princess. His wife ended up catching us a few times but Everytime we’d just ignore it and carry on. But then one day his mum caught us and came to my house and told my mum. Now both our parents know of what we did and his wife has left him. Do you think there is any chance our parents will accept our marriage because we really do both love each other?

    #878413 Reply

    Ehrm – are you already married to this man now? It’s hard to get a sense of the timeline. You make it sound like his wife just left him.

    I guess it doesn’t really matter either way though. If you get married or are married already, you don’t really need to worry about your parent’s approval. If you’re serious about this relationship, then you’ll just have to weather their disapproval.

    I would imagine your parents would probably warm up to you first. In time, his parents might take a bit longer as they may see you as a “homewrecker”.

    If you aren’t married, I would say you need to slow things way down before anyone even thinks of getting married.

    #878414 Reply

    Nope. They will always view your union with bitter distaste. It’s all very vapid and shallow and gross.

    #878419 Reply

    I don’t think your parents are having trouble with the relationship so much as they’re embarrassed and disappointed at the way you behaved.

    If the two of you want to get married, go ahead. You didn’t care what anyone thought of you before, why start now?

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by avatarEssie.
    #878439 Reply

    It’s a very sad tale, for all of you really. Go ahead and marry him, but somewhere in the back of your mind you will always know that he cheated on his wife- what will stop him from doing it to you? You can never 100% trust him. But maybe you don’t need to trust him 100% and can live with that. In truth, you deserve better- work on your self-confidence, find someone who is trustworthy and committed to YOU and only you, and whom can be relied on to talk to you if they are struggling with your relationship instead of seeking comfort elsewhere. your current partner needs to learn this lesson so that he doesn’t continue to hurt people around him. ( Remember that when he was cheating with you he was also cheating ON you).
    You can’t change how either set of parents feel about you, because what’s done is done. Just move forward with your experience and try not to make the same mistakes. Nobody has the right to judge you, but you must decide for yourself if what you have both done is morally responsible, and then work hard to ensure you work on your relationships with YOUR parents. They will love you anyway, but be prouder if you make better choices. Marrying your partner may not be one of those choices. Only you can decide that.

    #878447 Reply

    I really try not to judge affairs too harshly since we really don’t know any details of the marriage. But what I do find concerning is that the affair ended not when the wife who was getting cheated found out (multiple times!), but when your parents found out? That’s a bit concerning.

    #878496 Reply

    This is gross and the fact that you seem to feel zero remorse is pathetic. It really doesn’t matter if people accept your marriage or not, because you haven’t behaved respectfully up until now. Enjoy this while you can because if he’s willing to cheat with you, he is willing to cheat on you.

    #878504 Reply

    Obviously you’re very young. You still live with your parents. He’s a lot older than you and was married. You met at work which makes me think he’s in a position of power over you (he’s much older and shouldn’t be doing the same job as someone your age unless there’s another issue). HE IS IN THE WRONG. You do not love him, you were taken advantage of. He did not leave his wife for you. His wife left him.

    Please find yourself a new job (do this whether you stay with him or now). If you really want to give this a relationship a chance, then you two need to stop seeing each other until his divorce is final and he’s had a couple months to acclimate to his new life. If he’s not willing to, or you don’t think he’ll be there waiting after those few months then guess what it wasn’t strong enough to make it anyways.

    #878508 Reply

    CurlyCue —

    He isn’t much older; LW describes him as slightly older.

    In any case, cheating is a bad thing. Now you know your bf is both a cheater and a coward. If he had courage and self-sufficiency and wasn’t happy with his wife, then he would have asked for a divorce and separated before starting an affair with you. He was afraid to be alone and not sold enough on you to leave his marriage without an extended test drive.

    It also says something for the lack of maturity on both of your parts that your parents approval is the most important thing and that the parents finding out was such a big deal to both of you, when neither of you gave a shit when his wife found out.

    Go ahead and marry him. The chances of a successful marriage are slim, so enjoy it while you can.

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