Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I was pregnant and I didn’t know which lead to a miscarriage.

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  • #997144 Reply
    avatarSunghae
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    I never intended to get pregnant I had an IUD and it had fallen out without my knowledge. I’ve never had the intentions of having children. I also believe that my boyfriend was aware of what I didn’t want and I believe he was okay with not having children because he already has a beautiful Daughter.

    I was pregnant without knowing for two months I didn’t think much of it because that can happen with my IUD, but then I started cramping severely it was this Indescribable pain I have never felt before. My stomach felt queasy and I felt sick to my stomach. 2 weeks later I had my “period” there was severe vaginal discharge extremely clumpy and lots of heavy bleeding which is very unusual for having an IUD so I so my gynecologist immediately. When she did an ultrasound my IUD was nowhere to be found and she said I was 6-weeks pregnant.

    Although my intentions were to never have kids the fact that I was unknowingly pregnant makes me feel like I should of taken better care of myself. I’m hurting and disappointed in myself for not knowing the unknown.

    I want to confide in my boyfriend, but things are a little Rocky right now and I’m not sure how he’ll handle this. I feel like I should tell him, but lately I’ve been realizing somethings are better left unsaid… Should I wait until later when things are in the clear and he’s not as stressed? Or should I hold it to my grave? And keep this unease pain to myself?

    #997191 Reply
    avatarHelen
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    You didn’t do anything wrong to cause your miscarriage. 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, but the number is believed to be higher because many happen before the mother knows she’s pregnant. It’s common after a miscarriage to wonder if you did anything wrong or if there was something you could’ve done to change the outcome, but there isn’t.

    If you’re worried about your bf’s reaction to this you don’t have to tell him. Especially since you’re still processing how you feel & things are rocky right now. But you also don’t have to take this to your grave. Try an online support group or forum for people who’ve experienced pregnancy loss. If you have a trusted friend or family member, that you’re 100% sure won’t blab to your bf, talk to them. If you don’t know where to start call your GYN and ask for any referrals they have for support groups or therapists

    #997220 Reply
    avatarele4phant
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    Oh, I’m so sorry. I had a miscarriage a few months ago, when I was just about as far along as you. It was a wanted pregnancy so our experiences might be somewhat but none-the-less, I know it physically can feel pretty traumatic and the hormone swings are no joke, and certainly losing a pregnancy opens up questions in your mind you might not have considered otherwise.

    I think you should talk with your partner, as messy and complicated as your feelings may be. This is hard, and maybe feel even more confusing if it wasn’t something you planned or would’ve wanted. You deserve to feel what you feel and have a partner that will love you and support you and listen to you process this through. If he can’t show up to hug you and listen to you and support you through this, this says something about him as a partner.

    You, and I, probably didn’t “do” anything wrong or anything that caused our miscarriages. It was very likely a chromosomal mismatch in the fetus that was incompatible with life, and our bodies did what they needed to do to end the pregnancy. My hope for myself and what I will move forward believing until proved otherwise (as well as for you too whatever you decide to going forward), is that the miscarriages are actually a sign that our bodies are healthy and doing exactly what they should’ve been.

    So much love to you today, I know this is hard, even if it’s very complicated situation.

    #1001178 Reply
    avatarBetty
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    Unless you were in an underground fight club while snorting lines of cocaine and washing away the pain with straight vodka, you did absolutely nothing wrong–the reason why some people wait until after the first trimester to announce the pregnancy is that there is a greater chance of miscarriage. Your IUD fell out–nothing to be ashamed of. Your period was irregular … not out of the ordinary for many people (mine are 3-6 weeks apart and I have been having them for 27 years now). You did nothing wrong and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. So many moms treat their bodies badly during pregnancy and do not miscarry, so please rest assured that it was not something that you did.

    You should tell your partner because this deeply affected you, and you are processing it. A miscarriage does not define you and it is definitely not a secret that you need to take it to your grave. tell him because he is presumably your friend and you need support, not because he deserves to know, but because you deserve to have somebody who will listen.

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