Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I went through my boyfriends phone and I’m upset with what I found

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  • #859318 Reply

    So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. I’ve had a really nice time with him so far; he’s supportive, kind, ambitious, and a well-rounded person that’s fun to be around. The thing is, for the first couple months of our relationship, his ex was constantly texting him (and I literally mean constantly – she’d message him and he’d answer quickly, explaining how he didn’t want to upset her). This went on for a while, until one day she messaged me on Facebook and kind of told me how she’s jealous of me and misses my boyfriend. I showed him the messages and asked him to please stop talking to her or at least make it clear that he’s dating me.

    He did that for a while but recently I noticed his phone going off a lot lately, and him leaving to answer messages. Then today in the car we had the GPS on and she messaged him, and we both could see who the message was from. I was upset and told him so, and he explained that they haven’t really been talking and that I shouldn’t be worried, she was simple checking in.

    This is bad, but I felt really sick about the whole thing so while he was in the bathroom I went through his phone. There’s nothing specifically going on between them, but he lied to me about not talking to her because they talk everyday, and she’s constantly saying she wants him back in the messages.

    I don’t really know what to do; do I confront him or leave it be??

    #859327 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker

    Your boyfriend has been lying to you and keeping secrets on a daily basis for a year. Let that sink in for a minute.

    While it is possible for people who have dated or been married to have a completely platonic friendship after they break up (people who co-parent well are a good example) they don’t lie about it or try to hide it from their SO, and they don’t keep the friendship going when they know that the other party wants to get back together and they are in a monogamous relationship. Honest, caring people just don’t do that. There are any number of reasons why your boyfriend kept this a secret. None of them are good. None of them mean that he’s honest and trustworthy, and none of them are an indication that he loves you.

    #859328 Reply

    What are their texts about?

    Call him out on leaving the room to respond to messages. Ask him why he’s doing that and that you want him to be completely honest. And when he tells you it’s his ex ask him why he’s still talking to her when he’s with you.

    Or be totally upfront and tell him you felt sick to your stomach that he lied to you, you looked and saw the messages and you now know that he lied to you. It’s shady and disrespectful to lie to you about this. He knows it’s not right, and it’s not right because the she’s been asking him to get back with her. My guess is he enjoys the attention and feeling like he has a girl on the back burner. But really, he’s being pretty shitty to you and her. Is it an emotional affair? Or just attention? Is he sharing things with her that he should be sharing with you?

    And it’s not that I think talking to exes is universally wrong, in this circumstance it is that she’s asked him to get back with her and he’s been lying about how often they text. The text everyday! That’s not nothing. That goes beyond normal bounds.

    #859509 Reply

    If it were me I wouldn’t confront him or let it be. I would calmly let him know what you have discovered as you leave the relationship. If you need to check the phone of your partner due to suspicions you have bigger issues. You don’t trust him, and he honestly hasn’t given you any reason to trust him. he has lied to you repeatedly, his ex has messaged you telling you she wants him back. he hasn’t put boundaries in place with her because he doesn’t want to. he likes the attention and I will put money on them being back together if you leave.

    let me tell you a small story, the new man I am seeing has a FWB before we got together that still reaches out. she finds new numbers to try and connect, when it happened again last week he voluntarily told me, showed me that he has texted her back with ‘please stop, I am seeing someone and will continue to block you.’ I didn’t ask, he just didn’t want me to worry or lose trust.

    find a man like that

    #859524 Reply

    I think you know in your gut that something isn’t right. He may not be cheating on you with her, but his behavior is outside of the bounds of what most of us would consider a normal, friendly relationship with an ex.

    Don’t sweep it under the rug. I’d probably just end things, tbh — this has been an issue since early on! — but you can come clean, tell him you went through his phone, and ask for answers. See what he says, how he reacts. You’ve already told him their friendship makes you uncomfortable and he’s done nothing to put you at ease (except lie to you). A good boyfriend will prioritize you and your feelings over not wanting to upset his ex.

    If you guys break up, I wager he’ll go back to her.

    #859529 Reply

    I think if a guy is really invested in your relationship, and you tell him you’d rather he didn’t do such and such, which is a reasonable thing to request, they will stop doing it. It’s not good at all that he’s this wrapped up in his ex and lying about it. I’d break up with him.

    Btw, WHY do you have your FB settings such that any idiot can message you? When i had FB I didn’t accept messages from non-friends. I woke up one morning 3 months after I started dating my husband and I had a friend request from his ex. I KNOW it was so she could message me some toxic bullshit. But she couldn’t.

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