- July 3, 2020 at 10:57 am #891600BBGuest
Something has been on my mind for quite a while and I‘Ve reached the point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m 19.
Sooo the thing is my boyfriend won’t initiate sex. Like ever. We’ve been together for 9 months now and in the last 4/5 months things started to change around our intimate life.
He used to be completely different at the beginning, he used to touch me, finger me, yk, things like that(but never oral, he’s never done it to me- this is another problem I’ve had with him but it doesn’t bother me anymore). We would also have much more sex at the beginning of the relationship. Now we usually have sex once once a week but it depends. At the moment, I haven’t been intimate with him since the 22nd. I have to mention that we’ve been living together since march, as his father passed away and he needed my support. After his father’s funeral I really didn’t think we would have sex anytime soon, but we did, as my boyfriend managed to be rational about everything and move on. He’s much better now, we always go out with our friends, drink beer, laugh and have a really good time. But, at the end of the day, when everyone leaves and it’s just the 2 of us, I sometimes want more. I try to touch him, kiss him (we don’t make out, when I try he stops after 3 seconds and starts talking) and he pushes me away, he tells me he is tired or that we should go to sleep. I talked to him about this a couple of times, but he blamed it on one important exam he would have in 2 weeks and I got it, it might’ve been stress or something. He assured me that after he’s done with the exam he would pay more attention to this issue. Well, he passed the exam and things didn’t change. Last night we had some drinks with a few friends and I got kind of drunk. When we were alone I told him about this again, since it has been on my mind a lot recently. He thinks it is all in my head.
I really started to think it is my problem. I have days when I don’t shave or brush my hair, but even when I try to look good for him trying to turn him on, nothing happens. When we do have sex I am the one who touches him down there, perform oral and I think I do a good job. I started thinking he may be grossed out by my body but he won’t say it. He is always really sweet during sex, he whispers the cutest and most romantic things, but he can’t last longer than 3 minutes(at the beginning we would reach 15-20 mins). I think I’m crazy. I don’t Want him to think I only want sex from him, but I hate feeling rejected and not wanted. The last time we had sex was terrible. By this I mean that I had shaved before as I had been horny for days while sleeping next to him, but when we had it, it hurt. I wasn’t even that horny then- the zone was kind of dry. I just wanted to take it off my mind and honestly I felt like I had pushed him to do it with me as, again, I was the one to initiate it as always. I felt terrible after that and even cried.
I know for a fact that he loves and appreciates me, but for me it seems our sex life only pleasures him because I am willing to do everything to make him feel good while not receiving anything in return. I rarely reach climax with him. All I want is him wanting me as much as I want him.
How can I change things? Should I do a physical change or do something new? Or should I leave it like this and get used to it? I just can’t give up the idea that he’s disgusted by my intimate parts… and it is killing me.
Besides this, our relationship is amazing, I really see myself in the future with him. He is a great person. Do you think I’m asking too much though?July 3, 2020 at 2:50 pm #891611
I don’t think he’s disgusted by you. I think he has a lot going on. In 3-4 months he’s lost his dad, had a girlfriend move in with him, been through a pandemic(?), and trying to balance school, work(?), and a social life. He’s tired and emotionally drained.
A couple of things: 1) You two moved in together way too soon. 5 or 6 months into any relationship is way too soon to move in together, even more so if you’re young, never lived with someone before, and there was just a huge upheaval like the loss of a loved one and also a pandemic(?).
2) I don’t know if you were ever on the same page sexually. There were things he never did for you, that you would have wanted. And he doesn’t initiate – ever.
Actually, a third thing – it’s not really normal to fall into a pattern like this (no making out, sex is rare, one person always initiates, it’s not satisfying) only a few months into a relationship. Sure, in a year and a half, 2 years, things start to mellow out, but when things are this off-kilter this soon into a relationship, with two people this young, something is wrong. Most likely the relationship is not working as well as you think. There’s too much stress on it. You two might actually not be that great of a fit. At the very least, your libidos are really mismatched. Unfortunately, these things don’t tend to “get better.” If the sex isn’t working now, it’s probably not going to.
I would advise you to move back out on your own or with your parents and take that pressure off this relationship. Try going back to just dating and see if that improves things. If not, you really need to think about whether you want to be with someone who doesn’t make you feel beautiful, desired, and satisfied. Someone who never initiates sex, doesn’t want to kiss you, is always tired, makes you feel like he’s disgusted by you. Spoiler alert: You don’t.July 3, 2020 at 4:43 pm #891613HelenGuest
I have no idea why your bf doesn’t want to have sex. He seems very squeamish about it (no oral, no nonsexual touch). So don’t take it personally, he’ll likely be this way with all his partners. Some people don’t like sex and some people can’t be bothered to learn how to pleasure their partner. Maybe this is a reaction to stress, but it really doesn’t matter why because its not going to change. Please don’t settle for this subpar sex life. Its already bothering you so imagine how you’ll feel in 6 months? I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, you’re just sexually mismatchedJuly 3, 2020 at 5:25 pm #891616anonymousseParticipant
I agree with what’s been written already. He’s had a ton going on. Maybe he’s rational (?) about the death of his father! But damn, that’s a huge loss in someone’s life, even if it was expected (like serious medical issues) and that could be a lot of what’s going on.
However, I agree he seems like a dud in bed. He doesn’t want to touch you, make out with you, initiate sex. When you do have sex it hurts and he doesn’t care? When you bring this up, he says it’s all in your head. Now, it’s unclear exactly what you said- maybe you said something like, “I feel like you’re disgusted by me,” and him saying it’s all in your head makes sense in that case.
I agree that you moved in way too fast and now it’s time to go back to your parents or find another place. People make hasty and often, bad decisions in time of great stress and upheaval. Maybe you can sit down and tell him in a non stressful time that you really need more sex and physical affection in a relationship. Don’t say want. Say need. If he calls you crazy or tells you it’s all in your head and nothings wrong, that’s your sign that this is not ever going to work.July 3, 2020 at 6:35 pm #891622golfer.galGuest
You lost me at no oral. I would never sign up for a partner who expected me to go the rest of my entire life without ever experiencing oral sex again if I stayed with him. Especially if I was frequently giving it to him and he was enjoying it. Fuck that noise. You aren’t compatible. Stop giving him any oral sex. Better yet, dump him.July 3, 2020 at 6:47 pm #891623bloodymediocrityParticipant
If the sex is this bad at 9 months, what’s it going to be like in 5 years? 10 years? He should be wanting to get better at sex if it’s not working for you, but instead he just seems content with the status quo. He should be as invested in your pleasure as you are in his.
The “no oral for you” is a red flag sure, but I don’t want to say that should be entirely a deal-breaker in case he has trauma issues with it, but he should be willing to make out with you. That’s like, the bare minimum, and tells me he’s not really concerned about your needs.July 3, 2020 at 9:14 pm #891633anonymousseParticipant
There are probably many, many people out there who will really want to have sex with you. They’ll initiate, make out with you and go down on you. I promise. But this is not that guy. Stop blaming yourself and just move on and look for someone more compatible with what you ultimately want in a relationship.July 3, 2020 at 10:40 pm #891651FYIGuest
“…we always go out with our friends, drink beer …”
Genuine question — why are you doing this during a pandemic? Are you reading the news at all? Fauci explicitly said that going to bars is a bad idea right now. COVID is spiking in many states. Don’t go to bars. It’s not worth it, and you’re hurting other people. I’m serious.
That’s point #1. Point #2 — why would you see a future with someone who doesn’t show you any affection? Seriously, why? This is the beginning of the relationship! Get out now.July 4, 2020 at 6:03 am #891742FyodorGuest
@FYi she may not be in the US. She could live on one of the many parts of the world that have gotten this under control and are resuming regular life.July 4, 2020 at 6:11 am #891745
She’s nowhere near the US, however, it looks like cases are still rising where she is? Idk.July 4, 2020 at 7:00 am #891756EssieParticipant
I don’t think he’s disgusted by you. I mean, wouldn’t he have just broken up with you if that was the case? Who moves in together with someone who disgusts them?
I agree with the others. You moved in together just a few months after you got together. I’m sorry, but that’s nuts. It puts immense pressure on a relationship that’s barely gotten started. Not a lot of relationships could survive that, especially at 19.
I also think you have a huge mismatch, sexually. Some people have sex a lot more often at the beginning of a relationship because they think it’s expected and they’re trying to please/impress the new partner. Then they slide back to their normal level of activity. If this is the way your sex life would be forever, would you want to stay?
And last, don’t discount the effect his father’s death is having on him. A parent’s death is a horrific blow, especially at that age, and especially a son losing a father. He may be drinking beer and laughing a few months after the death, but I promise you, he is not “much better now.” He’s learned to pull it together on the surface, but he’s very far from ok. It takes some people years to get to OK after losing a parent at a young age.
You might be able to salvage something if you move out and slow this all down. Maybe. Or maybe you’re just not a good match, and it’s time to call it a day.July 4, 2020 at 9:25 am #891789
My dad lost his father at 18, and he told me once it took him 12 years to finally be ok… by which time he was married with two kids aged 7 and 4. I mean, sure, he had fun with his college friends and obviously dated and got married, bought a house, got a dog, but he wasn’t *ok*
My dad has been through a lot of loss, and he told me he compartmentalizes. I don’t want to generalize but I think that’s pretty typical with men. My husband lost his dad in December and he’s definitely not ok, but he seems like it on the surface. Going out and drinking and laughing definitely doesn’t mean someone is all right.