Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Ignoring and insults

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  • #1118905 Reply

    We were talking every day. He’s been slowly withdrawing for months, but was angry when called out for it. I begged him a ton to stay. Now it is at the point where he will insult me and scream if I reach out, mostly calling me a useless animal among other things.

    I am very worried (especially given there’s been a suicide in the area and my mind keeps going to the worst) and scared of losing him. He’s practically all I have in life. Made an attempt when he left me last summer. To be honest, it’s a recurrent thing. Until now that pushing and screaming is the only thing.

    I’ve been sick week after week without being able to heal, for the first time in my life. I’ve been feeling feverish for more than a month. I dropped every medication for my chronic illnesses because I feel worthless and guilty and so alone. I spend hours staring at the phone, but it’s always nothing. I don’t harm myself, but I’m crying every day, staring at the space every day, feeling guilty every single second of the day (he’s been blaming me for entire years for being useless and worthless and of not being able to be anything to anyone).

    #1118908 Reply

    What about the suicide in the area makes you worried? That you will do something or he will? I don’t know why you’re still desperately reaching out to someone who is cruel to you, my guess is that your parents never showed you real love so you think abuse is love? I don’t know. Why is he what you think you want, when he is really horrible to you? This is why you need help from a professional. You are the issue here, you want a horrible person, but also you can be the solution and save yourself from him. You have a logical mind that can be reasoned with. Avoid the jerk. Take your meds. Eat. Sleep. Go for a walk. Focus on friends and not this jerk. Call a helpline or see a counselor or therapist.

    #1118909 Reply
    Avatar photoLucidity

    It sounds like you’re really struggling. You need and deserve help. You are not alone. Please reach out right now. Stop staring at your phone waiting for this person who is pushing you away, and use it to reach out to someone who is ready and waiting to extend a hand and pull you up. I’m not sure what country you’re in but if you’re in the U.S., text or call 988. Please do it right now, this instant.

    #1118911 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy

    Hi, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. You need and deserve help, and I’m afraid that while this community is full of wise, thoughtful people who are great listeners and give good advice, we’re not qualified to give the kind of support you need. If you’re in the US, you can call the national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255. There, trained individuals will be able to get you on the right path toward getting the support you need and deserve. We’re wishing you really well!

    #1118919 Reply

    I know you don’t want to hear it = but he is an A$$. You need to reach out to your Doctors (I assume you have some since you are one medication) and get into therapy – I would suggest in-patient at this point. But intensive outpatient would be okay.

    You are so much more than what he says. He has been abusive to you and that is a hard cycle to get out of. His walking away gives you an end to the cycle but please, get some help and get yourself back.

    Get back on your regular meds – you have to keep your chronic condition under control – and work on getting or continuing in therapy.

    Many Many Hugs to you.

    #1118922 Reply

    The guilt is eating me. I am worried about him. All i ever wanted is just him to be around. And to just know how he’s doing. Didn’t ask for anything else, but he always told me that he feels like an idiot for talking to me, and that I’m always wasting his time. He has told me about how alone he feels, that I am a disappointment and that he regrets meeting me. It’s the guilt. The guilt that I failed him… That I was useless and never ever enough.

    #1118923 Reply

    Also, over this relationship, I’ve given up and lost almost everything in my life, just to be available for him. And now that he’s leaving me, the emptiness in my life is devastating.

    #1118924 Reply

    He always said I was the abusive one and everytime that I tried to call out on things, he said something along the lines of I had it coming, I caused it and that I always think so negatively of him.

    #1118925 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa

    Hi! I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your boyfriend is abusive and cruel. None of this is your fault. The other commenters are right that you should seek the help of a trained professional.

    #1118932 Reply

    Yup – this is beyond the help you can get from an advice column or message board.

    Speaking as a recovering co-dependent myself, I will say you are severely co-dependent. You are so desperate for this guy’s approval that your life revolves around it. And he seems to be offering you nothing but misery.

    You don’t have to live like this. Find therapy and get this guy out of your life. Build a life of your own that doesn’t require approval from anyone else.

    #1118934 Reply

    It sound like he isolated you, and that’s abuse, and not that he’s sucked you dry, he’s abandoned you.

    This is not the end.

    He is terrible.

    You need help to see that and get better from it, but you can do that. This was the first step. Take the next one and go see a pro.

    #1118949 Reply

    As others have said, he is abusing you. It’s really common for abusers to turn things around on you and claim that you are the one abusing them. Don’t fall for it.

    You are not worthless and you have not failed him. These are things HE wants you to believe so that he can continue to have power over you. He makes you feel bad enough that you believe no one else will ever want you, and that even he is only keeping you around out of the goodness of his heart, and that any day he will cut you loose if you don’t do everything he wants.

    Because he has undermined your sense of self worth so much (and it may not have been great to begin with — abusers prey on people who are in a bad place emotionally), it probably feels impossible to leave him. But believe me, you will be happier without him.

    You don’t have to do this alone. What you are going through is HARD and you deserve to have professional support to help you. There are hotlines for both suicide prevention and domestic violence victims, and they will have the knowledge and resources to help you get through this successfully.

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