- This topic has 48 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Anonymousse.
You are all right.
It’s not what life gives me. It’s my choice, my horrible selfish choice against another person.
No, I have zero life apart from him. Only just lately I started going for walks alone. I’ve dropped everything in my personal life, activities, hobbies, relatives, internships, classes, friends, work, my prospects at getting an actual job. Health’s been deteriorating, too, and he is pretty much all that I could hold on to.
All my days were about a message from him. That’s all I could see in my days. I am isolated, there are no friends whatsoever, and I’m doing nothing with myself, my life or my future other than watching time go by.
Walks are sad and isolating, too. But at least there is the sun and the wind. I try to be grateful for those.
- This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by misses98.
I believe that, but you also need to understand that these online-only relationships aren’t real the way relationships are when you spend time together day-to-day. If you’ve experienced both, you will know. It is just not the same thing. Your mind is filling in a LOT about this person when you don’t actually spend time together physically. It isn’t reality. And if you both have mental health struggles then your minds are filling things in in a way that isn’t realistic or rational. Truly, you do not really know each other. I know you think that’s not true and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m sure it feels like you two share an incredible bond that other people don’t have. But look how unhealthy it’s become, with both of your issues mixed up in a big pot and not grounded in reality. You’re addicted to it. You’ve got to get help to move on from it.AnonymousseMarch 5, 2023 at 7:45 pm #1118984
I don’t know why you’ve dropped everything in your life but him, but I can tell you that’s not healthy. You need a life, hobbies, activities, friends, etc to feel good and whole and useful. You aren’t exercising those things, so you feel useless. The walks are a great start. That’s how I started after I was last really down. Small steps. Make a to do list of simple shit you do everyday to adult. Like:
I like lists and they make me feel accomplished so that stupidly also helped me. Or writing down what I actually did all day when I was thinking I was useless and occupying house space…I would actually be doing things between the wallowing.
I hope you can call an old friend, even one you’ve lost touch with and maybe feel a little better.
Avoid online relationships, I think I read somewhere that 2/3 people saying they are single online are actually dating people or in serious relationships IRL.
You need in real life connection to other humans. I hope you can get a session or two with a counselor or therapist, there’s more than lining after an internet person you don’t really know?AnonymousseMarch 5, 2023 at 7:47 pm #1118985
I’m sorry if I was harsh. I truly just hate seeing people miserable chasing after a ghost of a fantasy person who isn’t real.
It really is an addiction. 100% feels like an addiction. I am a very different person when he’s around compared to when he is not.
I don’t think anybody would take me seriously that I feel like that for someone I haven’t been physically close to.
I would be worried he would be in danger so gradually I set him as a priority. Like, while I was at work, he would say he was suicidal etc so I missed days like that because I was scared to hell he was going to do something irreversible. And then it happened when I slept. And I woke up and I felt so guilty for falling asleep and after a while I was scared that he was going to be dead when I woke up so, more or less, I stopped sleeping. I was scared all the time. If I couldn’t get to my phone, I would have an ugly panic attack. Have fainted a couple of times because of how things were.
I felt responsible. I feel responsible. He is not interested in me as an actual person. I am not lying to myself about that. I think I’ve been more like a venting place or something like that.
The only therapy I can have access to is half a year away, but I have a box of antidepressants and a couple more prescriptions of them that I’ve been scared to start taking.
I feel guilty at everything I do because he used to tell me I would replace him and all that.
Maybe I will try the medication? Probably I will try alone. I think the medication will only cause further problems.
Sometimes we need a harsh talk.AnonymousseMarch 6, 2023 at 8:15 am #1118988
I don’t know where you are (US or otherwise) but there are apps that can connect you to someone, and they are too bad price wise.AnonymousseMarch 6, 2023 at 8:17 am #1118989
You need to take care of yourself. There’s nothing you can do for him. It sounds like you two have created this unhealthy codependent ~thing~ between you that exists only in your minds, and you both need to get actual help, because whatever this is that you’ve created together isn’t helping either of you, and it’s actually hurting you both and stopping you from getting the help you need. Tell him that. Just say, we’re both messed up and just making it worse for each other. For my mental health and yours we need to stop this and seek medical help.
It really sounds like you should do the half year away thing. An inpatient program seems right for you the way you’re struggling. And it would break the cycle with this person.