beemelApril 4, 2023 at 8:25 pm #1119495
Hi! I’m new here, and I desperately need advice. I am in my first year of college and so is he. I’m f17 and he is m25, and for me, it was an instant connection. I’ve never dated and have a lot of socialization issues that put me into therapy to try and talk to people again. So, it means a lot to me that I felt something, and if this could turn into something more it would be like a solution to all my worries that I am intrinsically unsociable and unlovable. I know I’m vulnerable but I have a strong support system to back me up if things go south. But I also don’t know if I want to date a guy that is okay with a 17yo girl, you know, kinda creepy. I think I am way over my head and am being deceived by my ideologies while real-life things have more nuance than “he’s too old for you”. I don’t know. Can you help me?AnonymousseApril 5, 2023 at 5:55 am #1119498
Yes, he is way too old and it’s very creepy.Part-time LurkerApril 5, 2023 at 8:30 am #1119499
It’s wonderful that you’re in therapy and working on your issues and I hope you’ll stick with it; but this relationship definitely would not be healthy for you no matter how good it feels. I think this is something you should bring up with your therapist in your next session. If you haven’t brought it up with your therapist because you’re embarrassed, uncomfortable, or know they won’t approve that’s a really good sign that subconsciously you already know dating this guy is a bad idea. Take the time to go slow and wait for someone who can offer you a chance at a healthy relationship.
No, he is not a good choice for you. He’s too old and the power dynamic would be way off because of your difference in life experience and your insecurity around feeling unlovable and antisocial. Keep at it with the therapy. Once you believe you are a likable and lovable person – a place that therapy can help you get to – you will begin attracting people who share and recognize the positive traits in you. And instead of worrying about being worthy of their attention, you can enjoy feeling well-matched because you both will bring positive traits and likability to the table.
This is creepy and you already know it! I’ve said it many times on this site but it’s worth repeating: Men who date women who are not age appropriate are pretty much always creepy losers. They usually can’t pull women their own age and benefit from the power imbalance.
IMO, you shouldn’t be dating anyone until doing so doesn’t feel like a solution to a self worth problem. Stay in therapy and work on your self-esteem there.ronApril 5, 2023 at 9:59 am #1119504
He is not the solution to your problems. You say you need to learn how to talk to people. He noticed that and your vulnerability right away and decided you would be easy to control. This is going to stunt your growth not assist it. Drop him. From your post you know you have to MOA, but for some reason need an external push. Consider yourself pushed. The guy is a total creep.
Everyone is right. He is way too old, it’s inappropriate, and it’s not nuanced. You need to be having these first relationship experiences with someone within a couple years of your own age, particularly given the issues you say you have.
My boyfriend at 17 was 20, and that was pushing it as far as being appropriate. There was a power imbalance because he had access to alcohol, drugs, parties. I didn’t have the social issues you have, and was kind of “hot,” so I wasn’t totally without power in the relationship, but he definitely pushed me to have sex much sooner than I was comfortable, and he used lines on me that with a bit more experience I’d have known how to handle.
25, noooooo way. There’s something definitely wrong with a guy aged 25 who wants to date a 17 year old. Skip it.AnonymousseApril 5, 2023 at 6:05 pm #1119509
Know one I have ever known other than my creepy college aged bf (who was not grad school aged) has eve dated a girl of 17 because she’s mature and really an old soul.
You need more therapy and age appropriate first relationships. Not ones were you’re already feeling vulnerable and then he’s probably also nearly a decade older than you.LisforLeslieApril 6, 2023 at 6:49 am #1119512
I’m sure you are a lovely young person who has a lot to offer the world. However, there is no one person who will magically solve your problems. A relationship should be a part of your world, not your whole world and one person can’t be responsible for your happiness. That’s not fair to your partner.
That said – 25 is waaaaay to old for a 17 year old. Just think about the reverse. You’d be dating someone who is 9. Think about the differences between you and a 9 year old. Gross right?
I’d say that once you hit about 35, then the differences in age seem to diminish. A 35 year old dating a 43 year old isn’t terribly worrisome.
He is too old. (not the age gap, which wouldn’t matter if you were both past 30 ) but at your age it is life experiences which make a 17 year old and a guy who is 25 in wildly different places. You realise you are vulnerable and I think you ought to take care of yourself here; if you find it hard to connect, then its totally natural to seize on a lovely, easy connection, which a guy of 25 (if he is 25, I bet he shrunk his age to seem less creepy, at your age I encountered a lot of that ) can easily fabricate.There are a lot of reasons a guy of 25 might be drawn to a shy 17 year old and honestly; none of them are great. You have so much time ahead with so many opportunities, and you are sussed enough to be using therapy to help with your issues, which is really impressive at your age, and I think that this is not the guy to help you move forward. Focus on all the great things you are doing for yourself, going to college, taking care of your mental health, and don’t put too much weight into a romantic relationship until you feel more comfortable with yourself, it’s part of life but you have a lot more than that to try to look forward to.