Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I'm in a state of emotional stress, and feel like a shitty friend & a loser.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I'm in a state of emotional stress, and feel like a shitty friend & a loser.

This topic contains 112 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Logan 6 days, 5 hours ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 113 total)
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  • #840971 Reply
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    Hunter

    Kate, I do not believe that I see girls as sex toys or something to be put in a glass case. I see them as people.
    I only said that to illustrate how I’ve been with girls in my life, I don’t even really think about that idea much anymore.

    #840972 Reply
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    Hunter

    Back to the thing about getting a job & working with girls you were talking about…

    #840973 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, that. Do that.

    #840974 Reply
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    Hunter

    Curious how it’ll work better than doing all those independent hustles I do. Plus I already see and interact with girls in school and whatnot, so?

    #840975 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I’m done, Hunter. You don’t listen and you don’t take advice. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing.

    #840976 Reply
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    Hunter

    Ok then, I guess I’ll just go get a joint, smoke it until I’m smelling like Indonesia (song reference ftw), play some PS4 or watch TV, and I’ll forget all about this. That’s exactly what I was planning on doing anyway.

    Sorry for wasting your time.

    #840977 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Perfect!

    #840978 Reply
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    Hunter

    I am gonna try and find something where I can do some kind of work with girls though, just to test that idea out. I’m not opposed to doing it, I was just skeptical. But I suppose if I want to know what it’ll do for me, I just have to say “fuck it” and do it, cause you ain’t gonna explain it.
    Hey I listened to you guys about not thinking about girls like princesses anymore right?
    Now I just need to find my X-factor with everything here, so I can destroy it, and all these problems will be over.
    Who knows, maybe I’ll be with someone else one day, and if I ever look back on this current girl, I’ll just laugh it off, for real this time.

    #840979 Reply
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    Hunter

    This entire thing has given me so much to think about.

    #840980 Reply

    Quite a few things:

    1)
    Kate isn’t suggesting a job to make more money than your “independent hustles.” It’s a suggestion because you need more time interacting with people, especially women, as peers rather than as potential targets of your affection.

    2)
    You say you have female friends, but I don’t get the sense that you really do. I think you have “friends” in that they are people you see in school. They’re more “acquaintances” than friends. Friends aren’t just people you see, they are people who you can cherish your time with, be there for, talk about things, and appreciate their company. You need to be able to interact with women as equals (who have lives, wants and desires that are outside how they interact with you) before you should worry about a relationship. The “treating women like princesses” thing means that you are still objectifying them, even if it is in a “positive” way (though, any objectification is actually negative, even if you think it’s all good.)

    So, just to be clear, not “treating women like princesses” doesn’t mean “treating them like shit” – it means “treating them like people.” Do that!

    3)
    You are way too fixated on the sex. As a contrary point, no, not everyone hooks up at prom. Some people go as singles, some go with friends. The people who were already couples, and those on the border of being couples are the ones more likely to hook up, but it’s not everyone. And your view of sex is obviously tainted by porn. Unlike porn, where women start uncontrollably moaning when a penis gets within about 3 feet of them; for teenage sex, you’re more likely to hear “ow” or “oops” or “you’re pulling my hair” or “sorry” or “what are you doing?” So, stop beating yourself up thinking about them together.

    Even if your friend and this girl did hook up, it has nothing to do with you. You asking her out was two years ago, she said no. They can have their own life that doesn’t have to do with you.

    4)
    I’ll tell you a story from a million years ago.

    I met a girl through friends that I thought was pretty cool. We seemed to have common interests. I knew I wanted to spend more time with her, and I asked her out in a grand way. She turned me down. A little while later we ended up at the same college. During that time, she and I started hanging out together as friends. The stuff we had in common made us really good friends. It was in college where I actually learned to be *friends* with women. They weren’t just actors in the play of my life. They didn’t just serve the plot for me.

    Later, she and one of my best friends started dating. It seemed a little weird at first, but I, honestly, couldn’t be happier for them. It was two of my best friends, together. They’ve been married now a long time and it’s great. I text back and forth with both of them about different things, and am still both of their friends (independently and together). When I can visit, it’s nice because I get an opportunity to see two friends in one shot.

    5)
    The getting stoned thing is stupid. Don’t go into any substance thinking it fixes your problems, it may just provide a temporary escape. You need to learn to fix yourself first.

    #840981 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It is concerning that whoever raised you told you it’s imperative to treat women like princesses, but taught you nothing about the benefits of having a job in the sense of life skills, accountability, teamwork, career advancement, bonding and social interaction, references, resume potential, keeping yourself occupied, etc etc etc.

    Another thing you could do is volunteer for some kind of woman-positive organization like a female candidate’s campaign, a summer camp that focuses on empowering kids and instilling feminist values, a shelter or health clinic, something progressive.

    #840982 Reply
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    Hunter

    1) I am going to try that out just to test it.
    2) I already stopped the princess thinking (thank you DW). You are right about the whole acquaintance thing though now that I think about it.
    3) I don’t care what they do, I was just jealous. I was happy to see him with a date, I just really wished she could’ve been my date, that’s all. I’ve been watching porn since I was like 10 years old, hasn’t really changed me all that much, my life is pretty much just normal.
    4) Nice way of looking at it I guess. I really hope one day I meet someone new. None of the other girls I already know really interest or captivate me really. I wonder why.
    5) Temporary escape, care to elaborate on that? I’m trying to forget about this, not escape it. It’s really, really hard for me to forget this on my own. I think I need to get high off some indo, or go for a run like that other person said.

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