“I’m Jealous of His Daughters”

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    March 10, 2024 at 1:27 pm #1128461

    From a LW:

    “My partner and I have been together three years he has two daughters while I have four boys two girls. His daughters don’t have much to do with me; one has been to our house three times and the other never. They always ask my partner to go spend the day with them without me which annoys me. I’m not sure if it’s jealousy or it’s that they disrespect me. I think he should say if they wanna see him it’s with me also. I think it’s starting to ruin our relationship. Or do you think it’s something from my relationship with my father that I feel this way?”

    March 10, 2024 at 1:52 pm #1128467

    Ugh, speaking of relationships with fathers: mine dated someone like you. She also couldn’t stand to let him out of her sight to spend time with his family solo. Insisting that he can only be with his own damn family if you go too is insane behaviour.

    If you don’t like how his family treats you then leave. Once you’re at the point of trying to dictate things like this you’ve hit a point of no return.

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    March 10, 2024 at 3:38 pm #1128469

    It’s very normal for people to do things with their family and friends without partners present, although it would be odd to never invite partners. It sounds like you’re sometimes included, at least with the one daughter.

    In your position, I’d be happy to sit most of these visits out and get to do my own thing. Why do you feel like you have to be included every time? Are you someone who gets bad FOMO? Do you not have any friends or hobbies of your own, and rely on your partner to fulfil all your social and emotional needs?

    Your line about feeling disrespected tells me you’re someone who takes things too personally. This isn’t about you. Your partner’s father-daughter relationships are important and deserve to be nurtured. Trying to control how and when he sees his daughters is very likely going to drive a wedge between you. Are you trying to control him in other ways? Do you feel upset when he sees his friends or other family without you? The urge to control stems from fear. What are you afraid of happening if he sees his daughters without you?

    If you’re never included, ask your partner if he knows why, and indicate that you’d like to be. Take some initiative to get closer to his daughters – plan events, invite them over. Don’t sit around waiting for them to take the lead. (Were you were involved with their father prior to the end of his relationship with their mother? That might understandable explain why they haven’t welcomed you warmly.)

    If you are included sometimes, and it’s just that you want to be included all the time, you should explore these feelings in therapy. Wanting your partner to tell his daughters that he won’t see them without you is a real red flag that something is really wrong with your thinking.

    March 11, 2024 at 6:28 am #1128475

    When I was a kid, I saw my dad every other weekend. And while I was fine spending time with him and my step mom, sometimes I just wanted one on one time with my dad. When I was with the two of them, we were constrained by what she wanted to do, where she wanted to go, wanted to eat. And she got to see him every day. They worked together. They lived together. She got him 100% of the two weeks I wasn’t there.

    So while I understand that you want his daughters to join hands and be happy family – that’s not what they want. Insisting that they invite you and make you feel welcome is the fastest way for you to alienate your step daughters and guarantee that they reduce their time with their father.

    So you now get to decide whether you can be gracious and step back or be selfish. You don’t mention how old your kids are, but your husband likely spends more time with your kids than his own biological children. Allow him to give his kids some special attention. It’s infrequent as it is, so use that time to do your own thing.

    March 11, 2024 at 6:48 am #1128476

    What Leslie said. Kids want to see their dad, not you. No offense, but you don’t sound very pleasant to be around if you are jealous of the attention he gives his children.

    That’s not a huge personal slight, it’s just that they want their dad’s attention, deserve it and need it. They literally need it to be more emotionally happy and healthy.

    This is a you problem. I don’t know what your relationship with your dad is. That you are suggesting that makes it seem likely that that’s something you need to discuss with a professional therapist. I went to therapy when my kids were young because I noticed I was upset and jealous sometimes that my own children have a safe and happy upbringing when mine was not. I didn’t have my father in my life most of it. It really helped me realize what was going on, what had happened to me was wrong, and that parenting my kids the way they deserve with a present caring parent with love and kindness is it’s own kind of healing for me, too.

    You should go see a therapist for yourself, asap. You need to address this to save this relationship. But you need help for yourself for your own past wounds.

    Do not dictate how and when he should see his kids. Go seek help.

    Part-time Lurker
    March 11, 2024 at 7:53 am #1128483

    I think that there’s definitely more to this story. You say that you have six kids – 4 boys and two girls. How old are your kids? How old are his kids? How long had he been divorced when you got together? Why is not spending time with you “disrespectful”? Obviously you feel left out but do you feel hurt because they or your partner were actually unkind to you or because they aren’t doing things the way you want and he’s spending time away from you?

    Miss MJ
    March 27, 2024 at 5:47 am #1128644

    Don’t be this person, LW. My dad dated women like this when I was younger. It never lasted long because dictating how and when an adult can see his kids and insisting on inserting yourself into that relationship will destroy yours. At least it will if your partner is anything resembling a decent father.

    For the record, I’m in my 40s now and I do things all the time with my dad that his live in GF doesn’t come to. And we also all do stuff together. When she’s not “invited” it’s not about her – it’s just that my dad and I want to see each other. In the same vein, my husband doesn’t come along every time I meet up with my dad, either. Sometimes he does, of course, but my dad and my relationship exists outside of our significant others.

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“I’m Jealous of His Daughters”

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