“I’m jealous of my les girlfriend’s biological sister Ex”
- This topic has 3 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by
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From a LW:
“To begin with, I just discovered I’m a Bi after seeing my current girlfriend. She’s also my first love. I call her “husband” and we’ve been together for over two years. We take this relationship seriously and have built many future plans (like grow our finances, having children…). Although social prejudices doesn’t allow us to get married openly like other heterosexual couples, the life with her is what I always wanted. I thank God for letting us to be together, peacefully and happily.
However, I have a constant jealousy and resentment towards my girlfriend’s older sister.
From the first days we met, my girlfriend told me about their “strangely close relationship”. Raised in an abusive family (Parents often beat and curse their children), the two sisters confined in each other to overcome difficulties. Going to college, they moved to the city together. They shared a flat, they went to the same work, had the same diet, wore same clothes, travelled together, experienced joys and sorrows for nearly 10 years. My girlfriend said that, at the age of 30, the older sister did not want to have a family of her own, but considered her younger sister as a “husband” to take care of for the rest of her life. The older sister depends a lot on her younger sister, from the smallest things to the big ones, she literally can’t decide anything on her own.
When I stepped in, the older sister didn’t accept her sister as a lesbian, and there was “another girl”. She cried a lot when her sister left and moved in with me. She strongly opposed my girlfriend, ignored my existence and revealed our relationship to the whole family even though we weren’t ready to come out at that time. But I had to put myself together and fight for what I trust.
Later on, the sister finally accepted me, but another problem arose. She and my gf spends loads of time together, just like they are living together as before: They facetime, text for hours every day to let the older sister share about every detail of her life, the food she feeds her cats, the colleagues she hates,… On all big occasions when three of us gather, the sister only talks to my girlfriend (about the stuff that only they know, cuz that’s what they shared in the past) and I always feel being left out. & you know what, the older sister still buys my gf underwear!
I am extremely irritated because she seems to push me away, while contacting my gf all day. She even told that my girlfriend and I should not be “stick together” so that my gf can go with her when needed. I share my frustration with my gf but she only thinks I’m hallucinating, that her sister is entirely okay with me. She did help by avoiding chatting with her sister too much when I was there, and said she would keep a distant with her sister to reassure me. But she underlined that the sister is her family and I should take it easy and get along with the family.
However, this fear, this obsession of being a third-wheel, is killing me from inside. It’s just like a tumor that grows bigger and bigger each day, festering in me, hazarding my love and making me become more irritated and intolerant. My gf and I are having big fights over this. Am I selfish? What should I do to protect my relationship?”
As a lesbian who is closely connected to people of all genders and sexual orientations, I find it very strange that you consider yourself in a “heterosexual” relationship because you call your girlfriend, who identifies as a woman, “husband” and feel “social pressures” are not letting you get married, despite it being legal. It seems clear you have not come to terms with your own sexuality. Even more troubling, your girlfriend’s SISTER called her “husband”, too! At the very least, they are extremely codependent and this will not change unless everyone gets a LOT of therapy and decides they want to change. I think all three of you need time apart from each other to work out your issues before you are close to being ready for a healthy relationship.
How old are you guys? Over thirty but how much over 30? I also have a question about the husband thing. How did that start? Did she ask you to call her that, or did you start it? And when did she tell you her sister also calls her that?
Normally I would say if you cannot get along with the people your love interest loves, I don’t think it is ever really going to work out. You’ll always feel weird. They don’t feel weird about it anymore, or at least are telling you that her sister has accepted you. Now you feel left out when they are together because they talk about their shared interests. What else are they supposed to talk about? Your gf is telling you you have to let it go.
And you’re saying:
“However, this fear, this obsession of being a third-wheel, is killing me from inside. It’s just like a tumor that grows bigger and bigger each day, festering in me, hazarding my love and making me become more irritated and intolerant. My gf and I are having big fights over this. Am I selfish? What should I do to protect my relationship?”
Stop acting jealous and get along, is what your gf told you. It’s her sister. Her sister she’s depended on her entire life for support and love with her terrible parents. I doubt your selfish, jealous fights are going to break the sister bond. The husband thing is weird. I can see it as a joke that’s not at all really that weird. A lot of people never marry and have friendships/ partnerships or closer relationships like this. For convenience, mostly.
I think you have to decide whether you want to nurse this rivalry or be a bigger person and get along or at the very least be polite for your gf. It depends on what you want.
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