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Dear Wendy

I’m losing my mind, and feel stupid

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  • This topic has 37 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarButtery.
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  • #969537 Reply

    This is going to sound pathetic (and it is). I tried finding a counselor, but they’re booked for months. So I figured this might help.

    So I’m a 37 yr old man, who had ended a 4 yr relationship in august. We spent almost every hour of every day together that entire time.

    I’ve spent the majority of my life alone. I’ve had my ‘flings’ throughout the years of course, but this was my second long relationship…first when I was 16.

    We were going to start a family, all that. But the past couple years were really rough due to the living situation. Long story. And basically when I signed the lease, the relationship ended and I moved to a small town, alone.

    She moved back to CO (we were in NY) and basically has been partying non stop since she left. Yes, she’s 25 so I understand. She’s been to weddings, Vegas, parties, and making bad decisions with many things, including who she sleeps with, and her plan for the future, and her lack of desire to better herself career wise.

    This is where the pathetic part comes in. When she was in Vegas, she was getting low on money (had enough, but barely) so I offered and sent $200. Randomly ordered her an iPhone adapter. Randomly a quieter wheel for the hedgehog I got her. And no, it’s not because I’m trying to get her back…that ship has sailed.

    We’ve both been 100% honest with each other for 4 years. And I mean too honest, really. And even now, I know all about the guys she’s been with, because I ask her. She doesn’t want to tell me but I insist. Why? I think because wondering instead of knowing would be worse.

    I don’t mind anymore that she’s sleeping with other guys, I’ve slept with other women, so I stopped being upset about that. But she’s been sleeping with this guy for months now…he has 3 kids (from two women), lives with his grandma, has his baby mama living there too…and swears to her that he’s not sleeping with her, even though they share a room. My ex lives with her parents, so they can’t go there. So she’s been having unprotected sex, no birth control, in a car…and now has pretty strong feelings for him. He tells her that the baby mama will be moving out after Christmas, but that obviously won’t happen and my ex just doesn’t see how none of these decisions are good.

    In the end, I don’t know how to stop caring. I’m not strong enough not to answer her calls, or texts. I still think about her with every thing I see/hear. And I don’t know how to help her…I know it’s not my responsibility, but I care too much.

    I know you’ll tell me that I need to stop talking to her. I need to stop thinking or worrying about her. Go for walks, or other activities. (I live in the middle of nowhere, no people around for 100 miles basically) can’t go out because of Covid…so I’m alone and it’s destroying me. So she’s all I think about.

    Again, I’m pathetic.

    #969558 Reply

    You’re not pathetic, but you know you need to disentangle your self from her life and dramas. You’re hurting yourself by staying in her orbit and it’s stopping you from moving on (and it kind of sounds like you’re judging/wanting to control her). Her bad decisions are her own to make.

    Block her on everything and go no contact, it’s the only way. Good luck.

    #969564 Reply

    Living in the middle of nowhere is no excuse. There are dating apps or other online groups you can join to connect with people.

    Get a goal. Aim for something.

    PS — She sounds like a disaster, frankly. Are you really saying you have nothing better to do than self-destruct? Really? (Yes, SELF-destruct, because that’s what staying in touch with her amounts to.)

    #969575 Reply

    I’ve tried several times to cut ties with her, but talking to her is basically the only person I have to talk to besides family. I’ve blocked her and then unblocked her. I can’t really make friends here because of Covid.

    But the biggest problem for me is that I see HER self destructing. The title of this post may have been a bit extreme…but if she was with a good guy, with a good job…she applied to the jobs I sent her (yes, I know I’m not her dad but I want her to be independent)…then I wouldn’t worry.

    It’s the worrying I have for her that is crippling to me in some ways. And I don’t know how you stop worrying about someone you basically took care of for 4 years. (No she wasn’t jobless or useless) but I mad a lot more money.

    #969589 Reply

    I moved here expecting to start a family, and signed a year lease. And as far as dating sites, the only place I’ve been able to find matches is in Canada and we can’t cross the border.

    I would love to keep her out of my head as much as possible, but when we met…I had just moved to CO, and sold/trashed everything before I left NY. When I met her, we were sleeping on a tiny air mattress, or sitting on the floor watching shows on the laptop. So I bought furniture, electronics, pots and pans, dishes blah blah…with her by my side, EVERY time. And no, she didn’t decide on what to buy, but I took her advice. And I spent a Lot of money on this stuff.

    But every time I see that blanket we got, the the seat on the couch that she always used, my dog dancing because she taught her that, the bottle of ranch because she used it on everything…the list goes on and on. I immediately think about her, what she’s doing, if she’s being safe, if she has enough money for food since Covid screwed her.

    I’m even getting my testosterone levels checked to see if that’s why I’m feeling emotional constantly.

    I’m sorry for the lengthy posts, but like I said, I have nobody to talk to that would give advice as opposed to laughing.

    #969591 Reply

    It sounds like you’re using her as a distraction and excuse for not changing things in your own life. If you were more fulfilled you’d find it easier to ignore what’s going on with her. It sounds more like she was your child than your girlfriend, and that you can’t let her grow up and do her own thing.

    #969596 Reply

    I agree, she sounds more like your child and/or you want to take care of her and “fix” things for her. That’s not an equal partnership. Plus, the age difference is huge. I just turned 38 and I cannot imagine being with someone who is 25-26. People – guys and girls – that age are, generally speaking, still finding themselves and settling into their careers and who they are as adults. It sounds like she was with you since she was 21, so she never really got to experience her early 20s as a single girl finding her own way.

    You can’t fix her, you can’t heal her, you are broken up and the only person you’re hurting is yourself. You have to go no contact FOR YOURSELF. I sympathize that Covid is hard and you’re in the middle of nowhere and going through a rough breakup, but holding onto her is not going to help at all. In fact, I also think trying to date someone else right now is premature. You need to take some time to heal and really examine why you chose someone so much younger who obviously seemed like she needed “saving” rather than someone who could be an equal partner.

    You do have a dog; dogs are a wonderful source of unconditional love. Love on your dog, maybe try some online therapy, develop some hobbies that interest you, and see how you feel in six months or so. Best wishes!

    #969705 Reply

    You could look online for Codependents Anonymous meetings. Or for a therapist, because this is a “you” problem, not a “her” problem. You’ll want to address your caretaker issues so that you don’t pick another broken / YOUNG person to try to save. The age difference (she was 21 when y’all started?!) was so that you could rescue / parent her.

    Did you grow up with alcoholism? You could also try Adult Children of Alcoholics online.

    And stop it with the “I can’t meet anyone.” You can CHAT with people.

    #969709 Reply

    You know exactly what you to have to do to stop caring. At your age, you should have the self control to take care of this.

    Keep calling around to see a therapist or find someone online.

    Throw out the bottle of ranch and the blanket.

    Why were you, at 33 dating a 21 year old? Why did you guys break up?

    #969712 Reply

    Join a bookclub.
    Volunteer at your local food pantry.
    Start playing MMPGs
    buy an old piece of furniture and refurbish it

    Distract yourself. Get involved in your community. Find an interest and dive into it.

    Stop thinking that this woman is your future and that if you’re just nice enough she’ll come back to you.

    #969816 Reply

    What you wrote sounds like you signed a lease to move from city to a rural area, without her approval, because you felt that was what one does when one wants to start a family. Why did you do that? Of course that’s a relationship ender. What one really does when one wants to start a family is have a discussion with the SO with whom you desire to start a family, get her agreement, and discuss in detail what your future lives will look like.

    Of course your ex is in party mode. She was 21 when she started a relationship with the twelve-year older you. She is now trying to make up for what she feels she missed in her early twenties. Many 25-year olds, especially those just out of relationships, are in party mode. Hopefully, she is trying to be Covid safe, although she likely is correct that at her age she is extremely likely to get a mild case if she gets it. Still, several % of people her age have a severe or lingering case with permanent damage. She is still at the age where she feels bullet proof.

    In any case, she is no longer your concern. At the very least, you should stop sending her money/gifts. You say otherwise, but it sure sounds like you are trying to buy her back. It sounds like at your clear-headed level you know that can’t work.

    Therapy. Something must be available on-line if you keep looking.

    #969817 Reply

    Counsellors aren’t all booked up. You could get matched with one within 24 hours at, and switch to another anytime if you don’t like them. Good luck.

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