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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I’m slowly losing myself, what do I do?

Home Forums Advice & Chat I’m slowly losing myself, what do I do?

  • This topic has 5 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by Anonymousse.
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  • #1116088 Reply
    Berry
    Guest

    I just got out of a thing with a manipulative guy. Basically I was used by this guy.
    This whole situation is ruining me because I have to go to school / online courses and then work in the evenings, but since the situation happened . I haven’t been able to concentrate, I might fail my courses because I am in the class but my mind wanders and I end up not learning a thing after classes. I have missed my online classes for two weeks. I go to work and forget myself, I have been cautioned twice.
    I go home and I just want to lay in bed till the next day, I stopped eating but I recently got my appetite a little and now I’m binging a big meal at once and end up throwing it up.
    I’m always crying, I’m literally just walking and I’d just start to cry.
    Everything reminds me of him, and every time I remember him my stomach tightens and I feel like I want to ground to swallow me.

    It’s been 3 weeks and I am slowly losing myself. I have checked for therapists and it’s too expensive, I have to pay for my school expenses on my own. I tried the school therapists and it didn’t help at all.
    I would love some suggestions please.

    #1116091 Reply
    peggy
    Guest

    Hi. You sound very anxious and depressed. Perhaps seeing your doctor for medications to help you through this time, is a good idea. They can certainly assess your state and give you advice.
    Maybe you can talk to the school counselor about postponing or re-taking some classes. Work is a few hours at night, so really try to focus while you are there, work can be a good distraction from problems. Do you have family or friends you can talk to?
    Without knowing exactly what happened with this guy, it seems like he had or you allowed him to have too much agency over you. Therapy to deal with all this is important. Some places have lower prices for lower income people. Or look into on-line therapy. Good luck, keep trying to eat properly etc. Get sleep if you can.

    #1116092 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    LW, I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. I know it’s not super helpful to hear, but time helps soften the pain of heartache. It’s only been three weeks so unfortunately you’ll have to keep riding the grief wave a little longer, but whatever situation/pain you’re in won’t last forever.

    I’d suggest going back to the school’s therapist and/or specifically searching for practices/practitioners that offer sliding scale fees. But your school’s counseling services will likely have ideas for how you can proceed with school without flunking out.

    Unsure what you do for work but it may be helpful to tell your supervisor you are going through a tough time. After one of my breakups, I went in to work as scheduled the next day all puffy in the face but determined to power through and my supervisor could tell I’d been crying so pulled me aside to make sure I was ok. I felt a bit embarrassed but she’d asked and was really compassionate.

    I hope you feel better soon, LW!

    #1116093 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I would reach out to a doctor and try something else. I am on antidepressants personally, and I love them. They are great. But not everyone wants pills, and that’s fine. Try a different counselor at your school? You need help, and fading away into nothingness because a crap guy hurt you is not the way you want to do this. Don’t fade away. Be angry. Get fired up FOR YOURSELF.

    You also should talk you your academic advisor immediately about the status of your mental well-being and grades. Maybe you can drop those courses for now and redo later. Talk to your professors and see if they can help you, or offer extra credit. It depends how much you can actually swing this around right now, or if you need to delay. You may want to delay.

    I had a really horrible bf in college and it affected me to the point I bombed 2 classes my senior year in college. It’s affected my ability to have a good graduating GPA- which as a 22 year old art student I didn’t understand or care why a good GPA upon graduating would matter, but it does. If you ever want to teach for example, most states have GPA requirements or you need to take more courses in education.

    Other than that, it just pisses me off how I didn’t ask anyone for any help and I should have, I hope you do. I’m smart and it kills me that I let that jerk let me have a crappy GPA (yes, believe me I’ve kicked myself about my own role in it.) Don’t let this shitty thing ruin you.

    Rise from the ashes and don’t get fucked over by a piece of shit again. You got this. I believe you can see he isn’t worthy of you becoming a sad sack over. The very best revenge is looking good and happy and healthy and never, ever being like that jerk. You’re better than that. Don’t let him even affect you. He’s nothing!

    And I am very sorry this happened. I know I may sound casual about it, but this happens to all of us. We’ve all gotten our hearts stomped by crap people and survived, and you will, too. I just hope you feel better soon and more like yourself. When I’m really down, I do things that make me happy/chemically boost the feel good chemicals in your brain like:

    Going for a walk, run or bike ride outdoors preferably near nature
    Talking a quick cold shower
    Make good, nourishing food
    Spend time with friends
    Maybe more friends
    Read
    I have a gigantic garden that is basically also my therapist. (I also see a therapist regularly.)
    Distract yourself in anything that makes you happy that doesn’t remind you of him.

    Hugs to you.

    #1116095 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    I was in the waiting room at the vet when I wrote my response and also meant to add: YES to reaching out to friends and/or family right now. People who love you will want to be there for you right now. And yes to what @anonymousse said about how we’ve all been there at one point. The breakup I mentioned came after I learned my ex had been online dating and had a whole ass other girlfriend. I felt like I’d gone insane for a couple months after. I lost my appetite, couldn’t sleep, had trouble concentrating, felt like a loser. All this to say, I know how hard it is to take care of yourself when you feel like you can barely function. So lean on your loved ones as you are able. If they’re not nearby, pick up the phone. Write a list of all the qualities you didn’t like in this guy (I’ll start it for you: He made you feel used) and read it when you’re feeling low. When that deep pain lifts (and it will!) you can start to slowly add in the feel-good activities as you have the bandwidth for them.

    ETA: I’m also a bit of a petty b and if you’ve ever seen Legally Blonde, as I was working to pull myself out of my depression hole, I eventually had my “I’ll show you how valuable Elle Woods can be” moment. I ended up landing a new job with a significant pay bump in one of the major cities of my dreams about six months after that break-up.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Avatar photoCopa.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Avatar photoCopa.
    #1116099 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Doing the things that make you feel the most like you might help, too. Feel better.

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