Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I’m stuck

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  • #850136 Reply

    So I’ve been with my partner over 6 years now on and off. We broke up for a year at one point where we both dated other people. For myself, I started seeing someone else, it was really casual and we had a great time. I had known this guy for about 10 years and it had only just become something more than friends. Anyway last year I got back together with my current partner but remained friends with the other guy. I ended up ill over the winter for a few months last year also and we decided to buy a house and get a dog. We’ve now with each other for 18 months but in the last 6 months we’ve drifted. As I’ve continue my friendship with the other guy, we began spending time with each other again, I never cheated on my partner but I felt comfortable with the other guy. Anyway, long story short I’ve fallen in love with the other guy and everything with my partner has fallen apart. He’s become really needy recently and won’t let me do anything. I don’t want to be with him anymore but I don’t know what to do about the house and the dog. I can’t afford to move out or pay him out and neither can he. Help!!!

    #850139 Reply

    If neither of you can afford to buy the other out, then the simple solution is to sell the house and divide up the money. As for the dog, the logical explanation there is the dog either stays with whomever is in the better position to take care of him post split, or possibly adopted out to a willing family member or friend?

    Either way, it does sound like your relationship needs to end. However you feel about your current partner, he deserves to have someone who wants to be with him as equally as he wants to be with them – no matter how bad you think he might be.

    You say you’ve never cheated – though what you have said is cheating. It’s emotional cheating. Just because you may not have physically slept with, or even kissed another man does not change the fact you have opted to get your emotional needs met OUTSIDE of your current relationship. In my personal opinion, that is every bit as much cheating as the physical kind. You can not reasonably say you are in love with someone who is not your current partner and not see yourself as cheating. Your guilt and/or shame over this doesn’t change facts.

    All you can do now is be fair to your current partner (and yourself) and end this relationship if you really are not prepared to work on it. Because clearly your current situation cannot go on much longer unchanged.

    I’m sorry you are in the situation you are in and I hope you find the strength to do the right things.

    #850141 Reply

    Also, it is entirely possible your partner has become intuitively aware that you’re not being faithful – which has induced his new found neediness and ‘not letting you do anything’. I’m not saying he’s justified – but when the facts are added up, it looks pretty obvious to me where that change in behaviour has come from.

    #850142 Reply

    In a nutshell, you need to be honest with your partner that you’re not in love with them anymore, and you either sell the house (though you may end up losing money on it or even owing money to the bank), or you just save up some money and move out. You’re only “stuck” because you don’t want to face consequences and do the difficult things.

    #850145 Reply

    Did you write in six months ago about this? If not, I apologize but someone did, with the almost identical problem. If this is them, (and this advice still works for you) nothing is getting better and it might even get worse because you know what you need to do, but you’re not doing it. You need to tell him the truth and you can figure out what to do from there. How much money have you put into the purchase of the house? Do you have anywhere else you can stay or rent?

    #850150 Reply

    “He’s become really needy recently and won’t let me do anything.”

    He knows you’ve checked out of the relationship; he’s not stupid.

    #850152 Reply

    After 6 years on-and-off, with multiple breaks, including one of a year, why in the world would you think the solution was to leave a relationship in which you say you were happy in order to get back together with this ex. It sounds like the problems which led to multiple break ups were never solved. Buying a house and a dog are not ways to cure a troubled relationship. You’ve proven yet again that there is a reason your attempts at a relationship with this ex always fail. Why do you have so much hope for this guy that you are willing to abandon your happiness with new guy and take the risk of share home ownership with Mr. on-and-off. This is just a repeat of past failures played for higher stakes. You need therapy to figure out why you are so in thrall to this ex and why you harm your life to try to rekindle what repeatedly failed in your past.

    You don’t seem ready for a serious relationship with anybody, until you fix yourself. Whatever your unquenchable attachment to this ex is based upon, you need to feel it both emotionally and logically that it is never going to work with him. You have tried a ridiculous number of times to the same sad result.

    And yes, this does indeed sound like a story we have heard before, even down to the fine detail.

    #850155 Reply

    The ex, the house, dog, etc while sick is the details I remember. Also the inability to do the right thing.

    #850156 Reply

    I remember it too, and it makes me wonder why this is still going on and they didn’t start saving up to move out.

    Look, you don’t get to have the house and the dog and the secure partner AND the emotional affair. Do the right thing, come clean, and move back in with your family or a roommate. Not the other guy, I can already tell you it won’t work out with him.

    #850160 Reply

    “Anyway last year I got back together with my current partner but remained friends with the other guy.”

    Why would you even consider keeping that guy around when you have just got back together with your ex and committed to a mortgage with him??

    It sounds to me that you’ve been trying to sabotage this relationship on a subconscious level from the word go.

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