This topic contains 34 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by CET 1 week, 3 days ago.
October 8, 2018 at 1:19 pm #802719
I’m a first time poster, but I really need some help.
I’ve been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just over a year. About a month before we got together his brother died and it really affected him as you can imagine. His brother and his brothers family live in Australia and he’s only been out once to see them (about 2 months prior to his brothers death). He used to ring his brother every Sunday for a catch up and general what’s going on in each other’s lives and never really spoke to his brothers wife, only to ask if Paul was available to speak. Ever since Paul’s death, my bf and his sister-in-law have been texting all the time, almost every day, and now they ring each other on the phone every few months, but what could they possibly have to say to each other that they don’t talk about in their texts?
A few months ago after one of their phone calls he told me Sue had asked him to go to America with her for 2 weeks next year (2019) travelling round together.. and said to him ‘oh Lottie won’t mind will she?’. To which he said ‘no blah blah blah’. I mean, my heart sank because I wasn’t invited and now I’m just unbelievably insecure and worry something will happen between them while they are away. I’m worried he is the closest thing she has to her deceased husband and that’s why she contacts him all the time.
Am I mad? I’m not sure but my anxiety is going through the roof. We’ve had several fights about them going away, although I’ve never said that she’s the problem, not the holiday. I think if I said I was worried about her, he’s completely lose it and not understand that it’s a real worry for me
Sorry if I’ve rambled! Please helpOctober 8, 2018 at 1:23 pm #802722
I should note that we live in England in case anyone thought travelling America didn’t seem that big a deal..October 8, 2018 at 1:45 pm #802725
Grievance is a process of emotions and everyone grieves differently. Sometimes its hard to explain certain behaviors a person displays but never the less it is not an excuse to ignore, or take advantage of others, or teat someone like crap. His SIL and he appear to have became close due to the loss of his brother as a way of coping- that’s normal but to a point. Is this a trip dedicated to his brother? What’s the purpose of this trip? Is it just them or others going along and who are the others? Were you not invited or dont have the means to go? How long had the SIL been married to his brother and how lobg has he known SIL. Whats not normal is a 2 week vacation with her that excludes you and him disregarding your feelings about it. I’m picturing this to be just the two of them traveling America for two weeks together. If they didnt have a close relationship prior to his brother passing, constantly texting, planning vacations together(one on one) Thats not healthy for you twos relationship. Thats not fair either.
October 8, 2018 at 1:55 pm #802729
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Poppy.
I agree it’s not healthy for your relationship. Unless the boys grew up in America – she shouldn’t be inviting your boyfriend roadtripping. That’s just inane. And not alone.
Nonetheless, I do expect that they are reaching out in grief, but that has a way of turning into something a lot more than innocent friendship.
I think you should invite yourself along on the trip. Hell, America is great fun as long as you’re not too brown.October 8, 2018 at 2:18 pm #802736
Calling and talking about their lost family member and sharing memories is harmless. Deciding suddenly that they are going to go on a trip together is weird and inappropriate if she knows you guys are in a serious relationship.
That he doesnt find this weird and inappropriate is very odd too.October 8, 2018 at 2:29 pm #802741
He IS the closest thing to her husband she has left. And she probably is the closest thing to his brother that your bf has left.
My husband lost his brother last year, and I can tell you that there is much comfort in being with or staying in contact with people who can share the grief with you. My SIL was robbed from an entire life with her husband. The pain and grief and longing-I can only imagine. She is soaking up any stories or anecdotes about him like a sponge because she needs to know as much as she can. I don’t know if you have really contemplated what losing a spouse is like.
They talk on the phone every few months? Months. I send a check in text to my SIL every few days, and we live ten minutes away AND I see her 1-2 times a week. He clearly cares about her, and if it makes you feel insecure and jealous, you should talk to him about it.October 8, 2018 at 2:30 pm #802742
Did the brother and sil have children and he’s being invited to a family vacation with his nephews/nieces?
Beyond that, you’ve said you guys have had multiple fights but that you’ve never given the reason you’re upset so i don’t understand what the fights are really about. Regardless if you’ve told him your feelings and he’s dismissed them rather than try to hear what you’re saying and given his reasoning, etc. Then there’s nothing you can do beyond say farewell to this guy.October 8, 2018 at 2:31 pm #802743
What is really odd is the fact that he communicated to his brother once a week and barely to her other then to ask for his brother but now texting her everyday and calling each other. I assume theyd probably call each other more but international calls are 💰 costly.October 8, 2018 at 2:52 pm #802744
They both lost an integral person in their lives. Brother and husband. I don’t think it’s odd that over the last year they talk on the phone every few months or text often.October 8, 2018 at 3:39 pm #802747
I think your reaction is unreasonable and controlling. They’re bonded through grief and loss. If you trust your boyfriend, you trust him. If not, and you think he would cheat with his dead brother’s wife, move on.
October 8, 2018 at 3:47 pm #802750
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by juliecatharine.
The calling is not weird. And to say that there’s no point to call if you text is silly. I’m sure all of us call people we often text with because it’s not the same. With the texting, is it random stuff every day or is it long conversations? Do you feel like his attention is taken away for big chunks of time because of their texting?
I do think the trip is kind of odd. Outside of a trip related to the brother, then it doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think you can bring up your concerns in a way that doesn’t accuse him of being into his SIL. For example, you could mention that what’s been bothering you is that you feel left out of the trip. My assumption would be that she was planning to do a trip with her husband and is uncomfortable going alone, so she invited your boyfriend. But if I were her, I don’t know that I’d care that much if it was my BIL alone. I don’t know that it would matter enough to me to not invite his wife.
But I’d agree. If your boyfriend is in a place where he’d cheat on you given the chance, then that says more about the state of your relationship than anything. It means that if not her, then someone else.
October 8, 2018 at 3:51 pm #802752
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by dinoceros.
In my head, I was thinking along the same lines at @curlyque… that there are nieces and/or nephews involved. If that’s the case, not weird at all. He SHOULD spend time with them. Same with the calls. Is he also talking to nieces/nephews?
If it’s just the two of them, yes, the road trip seems a little off.