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In Laws. Never felt welcome and now they want to go on holiday! HELP

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  • This topic has 37 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 9 months ago by avatarLeon.
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  • #850842 Reply

    So I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 10 years now.

    My family are so close and have welcomed him with open arms. But I’ve never really felt accepted by his family. They aren’t overly close as a family. They are incredibly hostile towards me- they never ask how I am over the phone (when talking to my other half), they don’t ever reach out to me, and when we called to announce our engagement they just said ‘oh ok’. I have never done anything to upset them, we live in a different area to them so don’t see them very often. Occasionally my other half will go a visit them on his own- when that happens they get their back up and say “why didn’t [name] come with you, doesn’t she like us”….but when I do go I have a horrible reception. I CANNOT WIN!!

    Anyway, they have now asked if we want to go on holiday with them and I cannot think of anything worse! There will be 8 of us, they want to hire 2 cars. So it’s not even like we can disappear off on our own for a while! They have previously taken offence when we don’t want to participate in something with them. My other half wants to go, but I really don’t!

    Any advice on difficult in-laws please help!!

    #850845 Reply

    What you described is not hostility. It’s just lack of a show of enthusiasm or interest. Which they’re feeling from you as well. I think since your fiancé wants to go on the trip, you need the go, and maybe see if you can get to know them a little better. Maybe you can let him know you’re not super thrilled about it, and see if the two of you can plan a separate getaway together.

    #850847 Reply

    The picture you paint is more of a family that is just not as emotional/demonstrative as you may be used to. Have you ever talked about this with your fiance? Does he say “that’s just how they are” or does he think it’s weird too? He’d have a better sense of their “baseline” to know whether this is unique to you, or just the way they respond.

    #850848 Reply

    Eh… They seem to dislike you almost as you do them. Go on the trip. Act like a grown up already.

    #850849 Reply

    How long is this vacation? Is it just a road trip? How many vacation days do you get each year? Why take only two cars. Really no enough information here.

    #850851 Reply

    I’m not seeing how anything you described is “incredibly hostile.”

    Look at this trip as an opportunity to do a little bonding. His family isn’t going away, so you have exactly two choices.

    1) Try to get along with them, be nice, pretend you don’t hate them, fake some interest in their lives.

    2) Create a big dramatic rift with your fiance’s family.

    One will strengthen your relationship with your fiancé. The other won’t.

    #850852 Reply

    Nothing you mentioned sounded hostile. They seem more low-key than your family but there is nothing wrong with that. They are at least trying to be welcoming when they invite you on their holiday.

    What have they done when on holiday in the past that made it feel hostile? Are we missing something?

    What if they rent two cars and you rent your own third car? Would they be angry? Will this be a driving holiday where you are in a different location every evening? What do they say and do when the two of you want to do your own thing?

    #850853 Reply

    The only part that could be hostile is the “horrible reception” you get when you arrive at their home, but considering the over dramatic language you’re already using i’m wondering if this “horrible reception” is them just not falling over themselves to welcome you.

    #850855 Reply

    Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t understand why women (it always seems to be women) *care* what their S/O’s family thinks of them, make it personal, and *get into it with them.* They are who they are, they were like that long before you came along, and they’re really your S/O’s problem, not yours. Even if they are being a jerk to you, there’s no reason to take the bait or really give a shit. It becomes a problem if your S/O always wants to hang out with them, and in that case you’re probably just not compatible and shouldn’t get married.

    ETA I will sometimes get into it with my own blood relatives, but I would never ever ever fight with my spouse’s relatives. Why???

    #850857 Reply

    I couldn’t possibly detail everything that has happened over the last 10 years in order for you all to understand. I have made a real effort with the family- I get on well with his siblings who are all sick of the parents behaviour, as they have displayed similar to their other halfs also- one of whom would not longer visit the house and they broke up because of it.

    My other half thinks its odd how his family act towards ‘outsiders’ as he called it. He said they are too defensive of their family unit and don’t welcome people in. I am by no means a expecting anyone to throw flowers at my feet and welcome me into their home, but a simple hello how are you would suffice- but they don’t really even acknowledge me. My OH is quite intimidated by both of them particularly his dad as he says ‘its their way or no way’. Hence why the situation feels hostile. I have offered to have coffees and dinners with my MIL together on our own, and have had every offer turned down. Except one where she agreed, but stood me up in the restuarant and wouldn’t answer her phone.

    I answer to another question there are 8 of us supposedly going on this holiday only 3 of us can drive. So we would only be getting 2 cars…

    #850858 Reply

    LOL at the examples of “incredibly hostile.” They sound uninterested or indifferent, not particularly hostile. Especially as they are trying to invite you on a trip and you’re the one who doesn’t want to go. I mean it makes sense they wouldn’t seem overly enthused by you most of the time if you truly don’t like them and often don’t go with your fiancé to see them ever.

    You’ve been with him for ten years. Why don’t they like you? Why don’t you like them? I would probably advise you to play nice and go to events they invite you to, and pretend to be interested or happy to be there. Make nice. Or don’t, but that generally doesn’t make the relationship get any easier.

    #850859 Reply

    This sounds like a discussion for you and your fiancé. Can’t you be in a car with his siblings? Going will potentially be slightly awkward it sounds, but might actually help the relationship, right? Not going is just going to widen the gap.

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