- December 11, 2019 at 10:08 am #864857
I am currently working abroad and met a man on Tinder. This has been a hard transition for me. Moving to a new country, a new job, the loss of an old job, losing one family member and another becoming gravely ill. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. I came to Europe (albeit, Eastern Europe) for a change since I figured I would travel and enjoy a bit after all that I have been through and got a great job (although, I have a huge responsibility). I met a Spanish man who is the boss of a huge construction company here temporarily for work. We both loved literature, same artists, same everything. Since I had not started my job quite yet, I was myself, happy, positive and cheerful. He pursued me and we went out to dinner and he treated me well. The problem is my medication doesn’t allow me to drink, but when I started the job, I knew I had to cope with a LOT of stress (CEO essentially a friend depending on me), and I knew I was catching strong feelings for this man, and I started drinking daily (vs only on weekends) and drinking to the point of getting drunk. This man was VERY into me, despite being super busy, he made time for me and somehow, I felt like he was a God sent cuz he was just like my dad who had a stroke and is no longer like that at all. This man, however, told me clearly that he is not looking for a girlfriend, yet how could I believe it when he pursued me? When he sent me tons of messages and spent loads of $ on restaurants? He finally spent the night and tbh, the sex was NOT good, he took forever to become aroused and clearly has some issues in that department (sadly, he is pretty much physically NOT a man most women would find attractive at all or endowed). After when he slept, he smelled strange and I literally had to leave. Nevertheless, the stress at work got crazy and when I met with him after, he would rush home cuz he was “tired” (he does work 65 hours a week and drives 2.5 hours a day). He also told me he doesn’t want to show affection in public or hold hands (this is a small town). Incidentally, I met a co-worker of his who told me that he lives next door to a young female engineer in a neighborhood 2.5 hours away from his work which is why he has such a crazy commute, cuz nobody else he works with does that. He did mention having a good female friend who was smart and an engineer but literally, EVERY local told me that it’s obvious that he has something with this woman cuz here young women often latch on to Western men with good salaries (he is 41 and she in her 20s). He said she is “just a friend” who “helps him a lot”. I got furious and started blowing up his phone and called her a “prostitute”, and after that he said this friendship is not working and has refused to see me since then. On my end, I am so stressed and lonely that I am texting him all the time, and literally getting few responses. In fact, when I called him he didn’t even answer and told me he doesn’t wanna meet on the weekend cuz he’s “tired” several times though the one time we did talk he said “we will talk about this all face to face, just give me a few weeks please”. He said he had “very bad feelings” after what I said and can’t get over me accusing him of essentially being a liar/cheater. Now I text him and for some strange reason I want him desperately, and he is kind of ignoring me (in fact, when I sent him a picture of me from the Christmas party which everyone said was awesome he temporarily blocked me). This is also a man who worked in Mexico on a large project, got a girl there pregnant, and told me over dinner that though his priority is providing financially for his son, he didn’t plan on a baby and doesn’t have “feelings like a dad should”. In fact, even before sex, he said “I hope at your age you don’t get pregnant cuz I DO NOT need ‘another Mexican'”. Why do I care about this guy? How can I handle this situation? (P.S. I am scheduled for therapy).December 11, 2019 at 1:12 pm #864899PeggyGuest
Hi. I won’t comment on these guys/specific situations. My advice in general,is you are in no shape to be dating anyone. You don’t have yourself “together” at this point,so you are choosing and attracting guys that are not good people and are poor bets for a real relationship.
Stop dating and take a few months to get accustomed to your new job and living situation/life. Get calmed down and comfortable. Stop drinking and getting drunk. Once you have adjusted to everything,figure out what you want in a dating situation and possible partner. More important than common interests are common values and how he treats you. Hope this helps. Stop any contact with either of these men immediately. YES to the therapy.December 11, 2019 at 1:36 pm #864902anonymousseParticipant
I’m glad you’re going to be going to therapy. He told you from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship. Why did he spend money and pursue you? Sex.
The sex you didn’t enjoy, from the man who can’t get it up, who smells weird…it’s clear you’re not attracted to him, but maybe because he’s the only person you’ve made an connection with you’ve become obsessed with him? You’re lonely and stressed and taking it out on this guy you don’t even like very much.
Stop drinking. The drinking on top of medication is definitely making this worse and the combination of the alcohol and medicine could possibly destroy your liver or literally kill you. Stop.
What you said about his friend/neighbor is beyond rude and inappropriate. I’m not surprised he’s blocked you and stopped seeing you. You behaved terribly. Do him and yourself a favor and block him. Leave him alone. Is there anyway you can see the therapist or a doctor sooner?
You’re in no way emotionally stable enough for a relationship right now. Take a step back from dating, and take care of yourself.December 11, 2019 at 2:38 pm #864909Part-time LurkerGuest
Please leave this man alone and believe him when he says he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend.December 11, 2019 at 7:34 pm #864958PDX816Guest
LW – Your behavior is incredibly alarming, borderline obsessive and stalkerish. You need to block this man on all social media and delete his number. You repeatedly violated his requests for space, verbally attacked him and insulted a friend. If the gender rolls were reversed and it was a woman writing in about a man behaving the same way we would be telling her he is dangerous. You give off that same vibe.
I will agree with everyone else in saying that you are in no position to date mentally or emotionally. Please continue to seek out therapy, that is your best change at moving on and being able to heal to the point where you can be a good partner.December 11, 2019 at 8:20 pm #864972EssieParticipant
You HAVE to stop drinking. Today. That’s a really stupid way to handle stress, because instead of helping you handle the stress of your job, it’s going to make you suck at your job, and then you’ll get fired. It’s also causing you to make bad decisions, like having sex with smelly men who you don’t even like, saying stupid, rude things about his friends, and then stalking him.
But more importantly, you know can’t mix alcohol and your medication. And you’re doing it anyway. That’s super dangerous. People die every day from doing that. It sounds like your family has been through a lot lately; the last thing they need is you being hospitalized or worse in another country.
Stop drinking. Stop trying to contact this guy. Get into therapy as soon as you can.December 11, 2019 at 9:05 pm #864984FYIGuest
Stop blaming your decisions on stress. Stress is not why you blew up his phone; it’s not why you drink; it’s not why you’re gossiping to “literally, EVERY local” (wtf?) about this guy. Leave him alone, stop drinking via any available means, and start therapy ASAP.December 12, 2019 at 12:16 am #865015AngeGuest
I vote the latterDecember 12, 2019 at 1:01 am #865022TuiParticipant
LW who would you turn to if you were having problems like this at home?Is there a doctor or psychologist you could contact? How you write in a great stream of thoughts which jump around all over the place makes me worry for your mental health. It’s rather like when my sister becomes manic and loses touch with reality for a while – everybody is a problem, it’s someone else fault, obsessions develop and she will text and post weird updates on facebook at all hours. Are you sleeping at all?
Like everyone has advised you need to stop drinking alcohol full stop as it clearly doesn’t agree with you and it will affect your sleep meaning you cope even less well with everything.
It is hard moving to another country, but try to stay connected with friends and family back home. Make a time and date to chat and make a bit of a routine. If the move really hasn’t worked out for you though, count your losses and quit. And never contact that poor man again.December 12, 2019 at 10:11 am #865097
I am taking all of your advice. Tonight I am going to the therapist. It has been a hard time. I have talked to a psychiatrist BTW and he said that I went in 1year through 3 of the 4 most stressful life events possible and starting a new job has provoked a sort of mania which people with chronic anxiety disorder sometimes get, for which he has prescribed medication and he recommended to cut the drinking to one or two per weekend like I did back home. He says that obsessive behavior, hypersexuality and drinking are the classic signs and that it is easy to treat. As for the man in question, he contacted me once after the fight and told me to stay calm, his first year here he also had a problem adjusting and drank too much and went through depression so just focus on my work. I think I was just lonely and scared and he was so much like my dad (who is now not at all how he was due to a massive stroke) that I clung on to him in an unhealthy way but need to get myself together instead of chasing others. The problem is that I set VERY high expectations of myself on every level (professional, physical and behavioral…I am from LA) and then, when I see that I don’t meet my own standards, feel like a total and complete loser and anxiety and desperation set in.December 12, 2019 at 11:03 am #865114anonymousseParticipant
I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. You need to put your phone down, stop contacting him and work out healthy coping skills. Stop drinking. Even on the weekends. It’s a depressant. It’s not helpful for you right now.
Have you considered quitting this job and going back home? It seems that all the loss, life changes, the move to another country, stressful job with no support system… all of these huge things could affect anyone badly. You are suffering and making really bad decisions.
Is there a way to take some vacation and go back home? Take a leave of absence? I know you don’t want to disappoint your friend, but your health is more important than a job you don’t enjoy in a place you don’t enjoy.December 13, 2019 at 4:09 am #865268
@anonymousse Thank you again for the encouragement. I appreciate the advice so much. I don’t want to leave because this job was my dream job, and also because I always dreamed of living in a medieval town and travelling, which here I can do a lot of if I get my shishkebab together. The therapist said it’s a phenomenon called “kindling” where a LOT of stressful things happen to someone whose brain chemicals are already out of whack, and one tips the balance and the person breaks down, but that there are ways to work around it. I will also have a leave of 5 days and the doctor says if I want he can send me to a place to rest and treat myself but ultimately it’s never gonna happen without my will. This is why I keep fighting, there is an AA near my house and good addiction center too, so I will have to check those out. As for the man, since it is a small town in the East he has said he wants to keep the friendship but maybe see each other when we are both in a better place emotionally as he bought me something from Spain. I just want to NOT allow alcohol, my disorder, and my own blatant stupidity ruin jobs and friendships because that is how people with disorders become alone and marginalized, and I wanna fight, but I understand I need the help from professionals and the self discipline. Thank you all again!