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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Incompatible physical touch needs or irrationality at play?

Home Forums Advice & Chat Incompatible physical touch needs or irrationality at play?

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 25 total)
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  • #1112652 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Not wanting to hug or kiss relatives isn’t rude. Forcing children to do that, against their wishes is what breeds this sort of complacent, “I’m not sure if being molested against my will all the time is good or not,” happens. I teach my kids about consent. I’m sorry your parents didn’t, and that you’ve been incorrectly informed by friends and parents that your body is your boyfriend’s property. Or that not wanting physical affection from people makes you rude. Nothing is wrong with you.

    Why did you ask your friends and family what they think when you know what he’s doing makes you feel bad? Who cares if someone or even lots of people think it’s okay or normal, if you don’t like it? You have one person to make happy in your life- yourself. You’re not doing that by letting yourself be pulled into an anxiety producing relationship. You don’t sound asexual to me at all. Not everyone wants to be pawed all the time, or wants to converse only about sex.

    Why is he your boyfriend? Why is he still your boyfriend after so long, if he makes you this anxious and uncomfortable?

    I think you should get into therapy. Why are your parents teaching you to put other people desire’s above your own comfort? Why are you with a man who you can’t talk to about this? Who won’t listen to you? Who makes you so uncomfortable? You have friends who also don’t have your back.

    #1112659 Reply
    Avatar photoLucidity
    Guest

    You are being constantly sexually assaulted, no wonder you feel anxious and uncomfortable. Your options are to break up with him or keep putting up with this. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should stay in a bad situation. There is someone out there who will respect you. You don’t deserve this.

    #1112661 Reply
    Avatar photoTheLadyE
    Guest

    I agree with Ange and Fyodor. This level of “touchiness” is, IMO, immature as well as boundary-crossing and violating. Bottom line, he’s not respecting you or your body and you should probably move on, as he hasn’t shown any signs that he is going to start. It very much sounds like a little boy who’s constantly trying to get his hands in the cookie jar. Small, affectionate touches are not the same as constant groping, geesh.

    Please hear this: there is nothing wrong with YOU that you find this over the top and frustrating. It would be super annoying to me, too, and I am definitely far from ace. There is a time and a place for things, not to mention – again – he’s not respecting you at all and doesn’t seem to care how you feel. That does not a good partner make.

    #1112662 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    I actually just read a really good comment on a similar topic that might resonate. To paraphrase:

    “There’s a distinction between giving touch and taking touch, what he’s doing is taking touch. He’s touching you in ways he likes without focusing on touch that makes you feel good. If what he’s doing doesn’t make you feel good in the context and it’s purely for his benefit then of course you feel objectified.”

    Ideally you would be getting plenty of intimate, non-sexual touch and affection that you enjoy and you’d feel less like an object there purely for groping. Without intimacy in all its forms of course a random grab out of nowhere is going to feel jarring and unpleasant. Is your boyfriend able to work with you on increasing emotional and physical intimacy? Would he be receptive to it? Because if not I don’t think things will improve.

    #1116006 Reply
    Shiloh
    Guest

    That’s a wonderful way to put it. Sorry to respond to an old thread now. But I’ve been still hemming and hawing over the solution.

    I’ve decided to show him my drafts of this first message, plus some responses (especially Angie’s) to explain how I feel and how it comes across. I know he doesn’t mean to be vulgar, but his need for physical touch is more sexual than my desire for touch.

    #1116007 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s concerning that 2 months have gone by with you feeling stuck and afraid to address this.

    Showing him this post isn’t going to fix this. You’ve tried to talk to him. He doesn’t care. And honestly I think he’s into you at least somewhat because you’re someone who’s passive and afraid to speak up. He’s a creep, and he’s attracted to women who will put up with his creepiness.

    This is a “move on” situation. You took a trip with him and were horribly anxious the whole time. That’s a very bad sign. I had that experience with a boyfriend, for different reasons. We both lived alone and weren’t together that much. Being with him put me on edge. We went on a trip together and I had to take pills to sleep, he was stressing me out so much. When you feel like that, it’s the wrong relationship.

    If you want to try one more time to explain to him how you feel, okay, but give yourself a time limit. If you feel like this a month from now, you’re gonna move on already.

    #1116009 Reply
    Part-time Lurker
    Guest

    I missed this post the first time around. What this person is doing is BEYOND inappropriate. You are not a thing that exists to satiate his sexual needs and desires. What he’s doing is gross and rude. He’s treating you like a piece of meat. You are a human being! It doesn’t matter what he wants. If you are uncomfortable with being touched in a certain way than HE NEEDS TO STOP TOUCHING YOU. I know that it can be hard to find your voice sometimes, especially if people around you are telling you that you’re wrong or that you’re over reacting but his behavior is not ok. Not one tiny little bit. Please don’t stay with this person, his behavior is only going to get worse.

    #1116010 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    I missed this the first time around too. It’s disturbing! This guy is disturbing. Your parents are disturbing. And your friends are disturbing. They’re basically conditioning you to be abused and to be ok w/ being abused.

    Please break up w/ him and please seek therapy to unpack and unlearn everything you’ve been taught about boundaries and your own personal needs/comfort level.

    #1116014 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I just copy and pasted my last paragraph that I wrote months ago:

    I think you should get into therapy. Why are your parents teaching you to put other people desire’s above your own comfort? Why are you with a man who you can’t talk to about this? Who won’t listen to you? Who makes you so uncomfortable? You have friends who also don’t have your back.

    He enjoys that you don’t like it. Otherwise, he’d be with a woman as horny and gross as he is.

    #1116015 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Don’t show him drafts, or this post, just STOP seeing him. Good lord. There is not a shortage of men on the planet to date. Most aren’t actually seriously disturbed people who sexually assault you every moment of your time together and has conditioned you to think it’s normal and okay that he doesn’t HAVE the ability to listen to a thing you say. He doesn’t respect you. He’s probably more than sexually assaulting you. I hope not, but I can’t see how. If you’re saying no, and he won’t and doesn’t stop, there’s words for those actions.

    THERAPY.

    #1116021 Reply
    Daisy
    Guest

    Agreed with the others that instead of showing him this thread you should just end things. You’ve already told him you aren’t comfortable with how he touches you and he has ignored your wishes and just does what he wants anyway. He doesn’t respect your wants or needs — you are just an object to him for his own gratification.

    I’m a pretty touchy-feely person and my boyfriend and I touch a LOT, but even to me your boyfriend’s behavior sounds juvenile as well as exhausting. Having a girlfriend doesn’t mean you get access to her body whenever you feel like it. And your “love language” doesn’t excuse violating someone else’s boundaries.

    #1116070 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    Late to this, but I, too, see no point in showing him this thread. I don’t think it’s going to change anything, but even if it did? It shouldn’t take a dozen voices to get him to understand that his behavior isn’t appropriate. It should only take one — yours — and you’ve already told him on multiple occasions that you’re not comfortable. He doesn’t care. I hope you will seek therapy and find your way out of this relationship. There are good, decent, compatible people out there!

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