Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Indirect Questions

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Indirect Questions

This topic contains 42 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar CET 4 days, 12 hours ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 43 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #810644 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    BGM your misogyny isn’t sarcasm…unless you’re being sarcastic by suggesting it is? That would make a lot more sense. By the way I would love to see you argue that you would actually make the same comment if a man wrote this letter. Please proceed.

    #810648 Reply
    avatar
    Ele4phant

    You were being sarcastic? Generally the agreed upon definition of sarcasm is that one says the opposite of what they mean for ironic and mocking effect. Did you not mean what you said about the LW? Seems like you were pretty genuine.

    Or are you saying the letter writers husband is communicating with sarcasm? Because if there’s one way to poison a relationship is to mock or belittle your partner all the time.

    I don’t think he’s being sarcastic, this is just his verbal tick when it comes to communicating what he wants, and she can adjust to an extent, but you show me a couple that never has communication issues or that never has minor frustrations, I don’t think they exist.

    If their worst problem is that they occasionally misinterpret one another and get frustrated, they’re actually doing pretty well.

    But yeah sure, tell her she’s an idiot who should be single and that it’s her fault she can’t immediately pick up when he’s being abtruse.

    #810650 Reply
    avatar
    Ele4phant

    @fyodor – sure, I would agree that in English when someone asks “Do you want to do x” there’s an implicit “with me” at the end.

    But it’s still a yes or no question. She may not want to go look at the pool with him, and saying no isn’t her controlling him – he can still go on his own, or ask i’d like to go still would you come with me? She doesn’t have to grant him permission to do things.

    Or if she doesn’t want to watch a certain show, you can always follow up with, I don’t want to watch it still, do you mind if I turn it on?

    I feel like they are both a little in the wrong here. I think basically they are forgiving of themselves because they understand their own intent but guide the other on their action. Which I think is normal.

    There are things they can both do to be more clear and to be more receptive, but I also think if they both train themselves to assume good intent instead of immediately feeling frustrated and wronged, that’ll help a lot.

    #810662 Reply
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    Just walk to the mailbox AND the pool. Live a little. He’s not being indirect, he’s being passive. The story with his mom, too. She was trying not to be a bother to the point she asked for simpler eggs instead of the ones she preferred. He grew up in a household with at least one very passive people pleaser.

    I ask my husband his opinion often, but I make my own decisions. I don’t think him doing what he wanted was being inconsiderate. He asked your opinion and decided he still really wanted to see the progress on the pool.

    One tip I will leave you with is…is this really worth all this drama? It’s a cliche, but you really can’t sweat the small stuff in marriage. It will drive you and him bonkers. Go to a few sessions of counseling with him. Or at least talk to him about it, again. And try to let this shit go. It’s just part of him.

    #810668 Reply
    avatar
    Ange

    One thing I’ve noticed after 7 years with my bloke is that we’ve become a lot… Fussier I’d say with how we communicate. Not in a mean way, we just go out of our way a lot more to make sure we’re being considerate of the other’s potential preferences and ideas. So there’s a lot of ‘oh I don’t want to watch it but you can’, ‘oh it’s ok I won’t if you don’t want to’, ‘no no it’s fine watch your show’.

    It took time to get to the point where that was taken at exact face value and nobody was worried the other was giving in to keep the peace. When your husband has also grown up in a house where direct communication is apparently a no-no you’re going to take a while longer again to get to that point. So far it seems like you’re still on different wavelengths but with time and a bit more effort on both sides I think you can get there. Just remember this is what he is and you can try and meet in the middle.

    #810669 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    No, no, no. I wasn’t being sarcastic. That was a whole separate issue in thae the LW said she didn’t often get his sarcasm. Nevermind. You’re all right. The guy is a loser. Shevshould divorce his ass and buy herself a plant.

    #810670 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    PS .. no man would write this letter. It simply wouldn’t happen. Which actually IS my point.

    #810677 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Again, I invite you to examine your prejudices or stfu. Preferably the latter until the former. It wouldn’t be cool for folks to be braying homophonic nonsense and it is equally uncool for you to spout misogyny.

    #810683 Reply
    avatar
    keyblade
    Member

    A lot of men probably would not write into Dear Wendy with this question. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t annoy them. I’m the one in my marriage who has curtailed the indirect questions.

    I’ve learned to add “with me” in order to emphasize when I have a preference. “Do you want to go to the right side side of the pool with me?” “Do you want to watch flipping houses with me”?

    I’ve also learned to clarify myself with direct statements. “I want to see the progress of the pool” because my husband doesn’t interpret indirect questions as me asking him to join me in my preference.

    For me, posing a question rather than making a statement was a way of exhibiting courtesy by acknowledging my preference while also giving the person an invitation into conversation about it. I’ve learned this style is confusing for some and it’s better to strongly clarify myself so my husband can distinguish when I’m asking because I have no opinion versus when I’m suggesting what I’d like to do in a wishy washy way.

    #810686 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I agree with Ron. It’s not how he is asking but it is him totally disregarding the answer that is the problem.

    I think that clarifying the question is always good so it is okay to ask what he means or if he is asking you to join him in doing something. It also helps him to see where his way of asking isn’t clear and he may learn to make himself more clear.

    In the example given about walking toward the pool or the mailbox it would be fine if after you said you wanted to get the mail and he then took off the other direction you just called after him that you were getting the mail and you would meet him at home. That shouldn’t be said in anger, just be matter of fact. The two of you don’t have to be joined at the hip. There will be times when you do want to do different things and that’s okay. Do different things. You don’t need to watch all TV shows together. It is fine for one to like a show and watch it and the other never wants to see it. It’s fine to say why don’t you watch that here because you like it and I’ll go in another room and do X.

    Did he ask questions like this before marriage? Did you not mind? Had you spent very little time around each other?

    #810689 Reply
    avatar
    Ele4phant

    God good.

    No one is advocating that she divorce him or even that he’s the only one with the communication problem.

    #810692 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Saying women speak in code is not misogeny. Men and women speak/communicate very differently. Haven’t hundreds if not thousands of relationship advice books been published saying just as much?

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 43 total)
Reply To: Indirect Questions
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.