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International Move? Mixed Signals?

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  • #964183 Reply
    avatarShannon
    Guest

    I left my child’s father last year. He had a bad drug problem and I wanted to get myself and our son out of the situation, so I did. He’s now doing much better, he’s in outpatient rehab, he has a job (for the first time), and his mental health is much better too. I just got offered a job teaching in a foreign country. The company offered to pay for my housing, move, and insurance. When I asked about bringing my son, they said “we can accommodate housing for families, or single mom’s and their children, either way.” Now, I don’t want to keep my son away from his dad- he’s a great dad- it’s his personal life that has always been the problem. BUT like I said, he’s doing much better in that regard. Now, I don’t want to get back together with him, but if I do decide to move across the globe with our son, and the company is willing to accommodate all 3 of us, I feel like I should offer for him to come with us. What are your thoughts? I don’t want him to get the impression that if he moves with us then we’ll end up together again. But, the contract would be for 2 years and he would not be able to afford to visit with his current salary and debts.

    #964185 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    He’s still in outpatient rehab? No way he should be moving away from his support systems during early recovery! I can’t think of a better way to sabotage his sobriety. Take the job. Father & son can stay in touch with frequent video calls and a few visits. 2 years is enough time that dad can really work on his sobriety. You don’t walk out of detox cured of your addiction. That first year of sobriety is tough, there’s a lot of growing pains. He might relapse. He can still have a relationship with your son while you’re away, but it might be best for everyone if its long distance. At first. If you can’t already tell I’m a recovering addict. I got sober when my oldest was 5.

    #964186 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Do you have a custody agreement or anything? You might want to contact a lawyer. I don’t think you should take your ex with you, and that might mean you can’t or shouldn’t move across the globe. My advice would be different if he wasn’t in the picture, or wasn’t getting his life in order. Even if you can legally take your son…is that fair to your son’s father? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? I think you should look for a job closer to home.

    #964194 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    A move would likely be terrible for your former partner’s sobriety. He’d be leaving his entire support system, he’d be very isolated as you’d be working and relapse would be extremely likely. Then you’d be in a strange country with someone going through active addiction or struggling to manage.

    I’m all for taking a leap at opportunities presented to you – but this sounds like you’d be either separating your kid from a parent or putting a fragile adult into a difficult situation.

    As someone who has lived abroad for work, it can be very isolating and challenging. Managing addiction on top of it would likely be a disaster and YOU would have to deal with it.

    #964204 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    1. Talk to a lawyer to see if you have the right to move your child out of the country and away from the father. If it’s legal, I would take the opportunity.
    2. Do NOT, do NOT, do NOT move the father with you. If he is still in outpatient rehab, then he is nowhere near out of the woods. Not even close. Imagine him, on drugs, dependent on you in a foreign country. No way.
    3. Go to nar-anon or al-anon, ASAP. That you would even think of taking him with you is an indication that you may have some co-dependency issues, which need to be addressed for the sake of your kid.

    #964228 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    From my understanding, (and I am not a lawyer!) if you are taking your child overseas without both parents, you need proof of permission from the other parent. This is, of course dependent upon where you are currently located. If you don’t have his father’s permission to travel or move, you could be denied entry to whatever country, and I believe he could potentially accuse you of kidnapping.

    So…you should talk to him about this. See if he’d give you permission, or you may need to consult a lawyer and obtain custody (it doesn’t sound like you have a custody agreement) and possibly fight for a court order.

    I repeat- don’t just move your child overseas without consulting him and/or a lawyer.

    #964235 Reply
    avatarSM
    Guest

    100% talk to the father and/or a lawyer first. I had a coworker receive a new job in Virginia, we live in Florida (this was about 2 years ago). She gave her two weeks and was planning to move, without consulting her ex-husband and father to her kids, who is a great dad (her words). Her and her parents just thought she was the mom and could do whatever (Crazy, right?!) Dad stopped it, because he didn’t want his kids in Virginia, she went on to say how selfish he was and lost her new job. Was jobless for quite about 6 months, and it completely ruined their co-parenting relationship because she could grasp why he didn’t just let her up and move with his two kids.

    #964236 Reply
    avatarSM
    Guest

    And that was just moving a thousand miles away, not to a different country!

    #964243 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    Personally, I wouldn’t take the job. It is cruel to separate a child from one of his parents. This is a trauma for a kid. Zooms has nothing to do with real presence. And it is cruel for the father as well. He failed with drugs, ok, he is working on it. Don’t screw it. Co-parenting implies some limits, yes, like living close to your ex, but it is a sacrifice that you do for your kids. And he is a great dad. I wonder why you even think of it.
    And the idea to take him with you abroad is just ridiculous. And his job? He would be completely dependent on you? But not your partner? Just forget it and focus on a more realistic job search which makes it possible for both of you to co-parent your child.

    #964244 Reply
    avatarTui
    Participant

    Even if your ex didn’t have his past problems, moving countries with your son is a terrible idea at this time! Covid has made international travel very difficult, and you will have no support network in a new country if things are tough.
    It’s great your ex is getting treatment and holding down a job, but why did you stay with him so long and get pregnant to him in the first place? Hopefully you’re also having therapy, but I think you’re trying to change your life too quickly and not thinking things through.It’s obviously a lot healthier for him to not be in a close relationship with you, but his son will be a big incentive for continuing his recovery.
    Also, many countries are very strict about who they let in – if he has a criminal record or documented drug problem, he may not be allowed to even visit and get turned away at the border.

    #964245 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    A judge would look at this and their duty is to rule in the best interest of the child- which is normally to keep a father in their life. You say he’s a great dad. Your son needs his father. I don’t think you should move far away.

    #964637 Reply
    avatarMarie
    Guest

    I agree. And it isn’t fair to the son. The LW sounds as if she has done a good job protecting her son, but no to taking him that faraway for so long. And as bad as a move would be for the father’s new and delicate recovery, having his son taken so far away is also not the best. Family Law Courts do not generally like moves even across state lines, much less to another country.

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