“Is He Cheating?”

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    November 29, 2022 at 12:52 pm #1116982

    From a LW:

    “So my bf and I have been together for 3 years now. When I started dating him I told him I didn’t care of he bought inexpensive gifts for a friend he has at work who is a female. They have worked together for 20 plus years.
    That’s not the issue. He buys things for his boss who is a female. I normally wouldn’t have a problem with this but he now hides gifts he buys her instead of just letting me know. I make all sorts of homemade gift candies and things like that. I always send them some when I make it.

    For Christmas this year he got me a massage at a really nice spa, the gift card was 100.00
    When I checked in they asked my name.
    I gave them my name ans said they were sorry the card I had was for someone else. And it was for 150.00 not 100.00.

    I went home and asked him about it thinking there was a mistake on the companies part and he got angry with me that I had found out.
    Does he have a ego that he want fed by other women other than me, does he need to here how nice he is from other instead of me? Kind of like parents telling you something.
    Is there anything I need to worry about or do I just let things go.
    He hides gifts all the time. I just wish he wouldn’t hide them.
    If it’s not just for Christmas what else does he get her?
    Please help me… I don’t Wana have this eat at me, I don’t want to seem paranoid but I just don’t know what to do.
    Please help.”

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    Kate
    November 29, 2022 at 1:01 pm #1116984

    First, i think it’s weird to buy your boss a gift. Your boss buys you a gift. Bosses aren’t supposed to get gifts from their directs. I guess maybe if they’re close personal friends, but it’s not really a thing. I think a man giving a massage gift card to a woman boss is really weird.

    But I can’t tell from this if he’s cheating or merely trying to keep you off his case because you’re trying to control what he does at work. Like yeah, it’s concerning that he’s lying to you and hiding things, why is he giving multiple gifts per year to these women, but also, why are you all in his business about this, as his gf of 3 years?

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    November 29, 2022 at 1:54 pm #1116990

    Agreed that workplace etiquette says gifting down is appropriate and gifting up is not because of the power dynamics. So, getting his boss a gift is weird, and for it to be a spa gift card (or anything in that price range, really) is weirder.

    Any time in dating that I’ve had a Spidey sense that something was off or noticed behavior changes that made me uneasy, my gut instinct that something is amiss has never been wrong. This isn’t even that, though, because you seem to know he lies to you and hides things. Have you ever asked him why he started hiding the gifts? If not, I’d start there. If so, what did he say?

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    November 29, 2022 at 2:36 pm #1116997

    I find all of this strange, except for maybe giving his work friend a gift for Christmas or her birthday. The fact that he’s hiding the gifts is definitely a problem, regardless of whether he’s actually cheating. He owes you an explanation, and if the explanation is that he hides them because you would get mad, that’s not acceptable. You are entitled to get mad if he does something inappropriate, and based on his reaction to you finding out about the massage gift card, sounds like he might be a gaslighter. You and he need to talk about what he’s been doing and you deserve an explanation, and to feel however you feel about that explanation.

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    Anonymousse
    November 30, 2022 at 8:31 am #1117001

    I have to say, gifting your female boss a massage for more than your actual gf (if he does know you’re all up in his business) is a very clear message in my mind.

    You don’t like that he gives women weird (they are pretty weird!) gifts at work. He isn’t going to stop, despite your feelings. So it’s now your turn to decide if you want to keep playing this game or move on to something that maybe makes you feel more secure.

    Unless they work in massage, this is kinda bizarre to me.

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    LisforLeslie
    November 30, 2022 at 10:12 am #1117004

    If a direct report gave me a $150 gift I’d likely reject it. That’s a lot of money for a work person gift unless they’re managing a hedge fund.

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    Daisy
    December 4, 2022 at 1:11 pm #1117036

    It’s weird to buy gifts for your boss and even weirder for it to be a gift card. Your boss makes more money than you do. Giving them a gift card is essentially giving them money, when they obviously already make more than you do.

    If my boyfriend was giving his female boss more expensive gifts than he gives me, and then hiding it from me, yeah, I’d be suuuuuper suspicious and not at all happy.

    I have a male colleague I sometimes refer to as “my work husband” as we have been through the wringer together. We get each other gifts at the holidays but it’s never anything on the scale of what I give my boyfriend and I am always completely up front with BF about what I give and receive.

    Trust your gut.

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    BB
    December 9, 2022 at 7:34 pm #1117109

    Yes he’s cheating on you. Trust yourself and your instincts. I would leave him in the dust if I were you.

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    December 10, 2022 at 11:17 am #1117114

    The worst bit here is him getting angry with you for finding out. Its not like you were snooping, that was probably quite embarrassing and he should have been apologising. He may not be cheating but he probably wishes he was, he sounds like he may be the sort of person who always wants admiration/ gratitude/ a little flirtiness with other women to validate his ego. If it was all above board he wouldn’t be lying.Does he try to make you feel insecure in other ways? If he does, definitely time to move on. If its just the gifting then you definitely need to have a serious talk about it. Does he buy expensive intimate gifts for any of his male friends? I bet he damn well does not. And I bet he wouldn’t like it if you bought silk boxers and a course of spray tan for one of your male friends, And hid it. Then let him find out in an embarrassing way.

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“Is He Cheating?”

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