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Dear Wendy

Is he gay, or am I paranoid??

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This topic contains 15 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #844268 Reply

    First off, let me say I realize the relationship is past the point of recovery. I don’t intend to see this man anymore BUT I’m confused about the validity of my feelings. Maybe you can help me contextualize what I saw / sensed.

    Last night was my bfs last night in town. He’s moving out of a home which he shares with roommates. He and I were alone in him room with the door closed, cuddling and watching tv. Then, a visiting friend knocks at the bedroom door. We’ll refer to him as VF.

    Context: VF just ended a 4 year stint with his girl and lost a bunch of weight. He also changed his appearance quite a bit. I had no idea he and my boyfriend were so… friendly with one another.

    They were just way too interested in talking. They were talking about fitness which should be normal on paper except for the dynamic of the conversation, their eyes, which reminded me of when I was flirting with my bf and getting to know him. As I recognized this and the conversation progressed, I felt more and more anxious until it was overwhelming and I couldn’t participate.

    Some key red flags:
    • VF made a joke about “eating ass in the morning” to which they fist bumped
    • BF asures VF something about “graduation from twink status”. I have gay friends I know what that means
    • VF pointed out BFs body, BF encouraged VF to continue along his fitness journey so he can “keep going longer”
    • BF suggested they run a marathon together in November and it sounded like a date. VF’s reaction to this idea was suspicious
    • I got the sense that they knew something I didn’t, that there was another level to the conversation that they were on and thought I wasn’t picking up on. Flirting!

    I could see their eyes, I could feel the energy.

    Tbh, I would prefer that my speculations are correct. I don’t want to accept that I could be dealing with such extreme paranoia.

    When I told bf what I felt was happening, he expressed bewilderment with a slight smile and denied it all. But I didn’t believe him. Something told me he was lying to me.

    He said they were not flirting, at all, and to think so is crazy. But I can’t help but feel like I’d caught him. His reaction felt…fake and manipulative

    He says I’m extremely paranoid. I’m afraid that might be true.

    His protests and the intensity of my anxiety last night are what have me concerned about my sanity. I shouldn’t have reacted by becoming silent and paralyzed. Something is not right about the way I went from normal to overwhelmed and incapacitated with fear.

    I think my boyfriend is bi and isn’t telling me about his homosexual escapades because he can’t deal with it. He thinks I am paranoid and going crazy.

    Either way I’m aware this relationship isn’t healthy or happy for me and I’m ready to end it.

    Any advice would greatly help. Please tell me I’m not crazy.

    #844270 Reply

    Further context:

    • when my bf and I were first introduced, I thought he was gay. He has effeminate energy, which isn’t conclusive but still suspicious
    • in high school i dated a boy who eventually would come out as gay after high school. Could I just be paranoid this is happening to me again?

    #844271 Reply

    Girl, something is going on with you. Forget this guy, you need to see someone about your overwhelming feelings of paranoia and other stuff.

    I mean obviously you should just break up and be done with this guy. For many reasons.

    Is he gay? I don’t know, does it matter? The “twink” comment is definitely weird, but the rest of it could just be bro talk. Who cares, the important thing is you’re struggling with your mental health and you need to get it checked out.

    #844273 Reply

    Hey Kate-

    You’re right. I’m very afraid, all the time. I am currently in counseling and I’m not sure what else I need to do. I’m trying to swim but it feels like I’m drowning.

    #844274 Reply

    Ok, good, and please ditch this guy who keeps calling you crazy. He’s so bad for you, and you need to find some stability before you start dating again.

    #844275 Reply

    Have you and your therapist talked about you seeing a psychiatrist or anything? If talk therapy isn’t working, and you do like your therapist and think they’re competent, maybe you need to talk about some meds to keep the scary feelings at bay.

    #844277 Reply

    Yeah, you should try another therapist or ask for a referral for a psychiatrist.

    I don’t think the interaction you wrote about makes him seem gay. He sounds like a normal bro who was cracking inappropriate jokes at his friend and using twink as an insult. I mean, you said he’s really arrogant in your other post, so that’s what I’m imagining.

    I don’t think you should be dating right now. You’re just making yourself anxious and paranoid, and it’s not going to be a healthy relationship when you are unwell. You could be in a perfect situation with a great guy and it wouldn’t be good for you because of your paranoia.

    If the relationship is over, than let it be done. Stop trying to analyze every last thing and focus on your mental health.

    #844279 Reply

    I didn’t read the other post, but you do sound like you’re reading way too much into nothing.

    That conversation doesn’t make him sound gay. It sounds like gym buddy bro talk to me. Plenty of friends or accountability buddies encourage one another on fitness/physique progress, and plenty of people sign up for races with platonic same sex friends (major WTF that you saw this as a red flag). And agree that the “twink status” comment sounds like he’s using it as an insult.

    You’re not crazy and shouldn’t date anyone who tells you that you are, but it seems pretty apparent that you need more help than you’re currently getting. Maybe consider a new therapist. What you’re doing now in terms of counseling doesn’t seem like it’s working for you.

    #844281 Reply

    Do you get paranoid with other relationships, in particular romantic ones? If every relationship makes you anxious, then therapy… stat. If it’s just this one, then your gut is telling you something and you should listen to it.

    As soon as someone calls you crazy – you need to take a deep reflexive look at all of your interactions with that person. Seriously. It’s a deflection and diversion – the sentiment is that only a crazy person would say such a thing so therefore you either retract it or you are crazy. And you are now forced to justify / defend your position. It’s manipulative and unhealthy.

    #844283 Reply

    To some degree every relationship makes me anxious, but this one in particular does so in extremes. I know it has to end. I’m just scared that I’ve done irreparable damage to my mental state.

    When I’m with my boyfriend we smoke a lot of marijuana. I think I might be abusing it. I’m worried I’ve triggered some kind of latent psychosis

    #844286 Reply

    Worrying about a relationship can’t do irreparable damage to your mental state. But, having an unhealthy mental state can surely make relationships difficult or impossible.

    Relationships (and weed) are not good for you right now. Ditch this guy (and the weed) and focus on moving towards a healthier state of mind. I agree with everyone else that your therapy doesn’t seem to be doing what you need it to. Do ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. You don’t have to be scared all the time.

    #844290 Reply

    Break up with the guy, stop smoking weed (which can make you feel more paranoid) and ask your counselor for more help. Be brutally honest about how you are really feeling.

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