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Dear Wendy

Is it ever a good idea to contact his ex for clarity?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Is it ever a good idea to contact his ex for clarity?

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 14 total)
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  • #950603 Reply
    avatarJamieJay
    Guest

    I’ve been thinking about it but I have never done this before in my life. The info I have on her is that she is in a new relationship right now and I don’t want to disturb things for her. But I feel like I want to ask her some questions because my husband keeps mentioning her and changing his story about her and the relationship they had. I am 100% they’re not in contact – my husband and her. It’s just that I feel like he is doing to me what he did to her and I want to get some clarity. Do you think I have lost my mind?

    #950778 Reply
    avatarTui
    Participant

    Will it change anything in your relationship with your husband if you do get answers? If you’re already feeling that you’re going mad and being gaslighted, therapy for you would probably be a better use of time to try and work out what is happening.

    #950851 Reply
    avatarJamieJay
    Guest

    Yes it would change things. It’s either I trust his version, and not that I would trust her version 100% but I’d get whatever perspective and go from there.

    #950968 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    What exactly do you think your husband did to her that he’s now doing to you? Depending on that, my advice would be to seek therapy with your husband or to leave your husband. Very few scenarios would i advise contacting his ex. Your husband’s behavior is already driving you crazy. You don’t need her to confirm that

    #951053 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    No, not okay. She’s moved on from whatever mess with your husband and it’s not fair to drag her back into it. She doesn’t owe you any assistance with your shady husband, this is your situation to deal with.

    #951085 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    probably not a good idea unless you actually know her socially anyway. My ex’s next did reach out to me once (we’d been friends for years before) to check some stuff and she said it helped her – but really I don’t think I told her anything she didn’t already know in her heart of hearts, and he found my phone number which she had carefully hidden and she got weeks of hell for that.If you have sufficient concern to think about contacting her, you probably really don’t need to.

    #951184 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    If your husband has you so mentally twisted up that you don’t know what is real and what is not real – that’s a giant red flag that doesn’t require any ex to tell you to at minimum take a break and try to find some sanity.

    It doesn’t matter what he did to her – if you feel you’re being mistreated, then you need to deal with that with professional help, not the ex.

    #951213 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    You’re being incredibly vague but I would say,generally no. Resolve your issues with your husband and/or a therapist.

    #951490 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Another reason not to do this – other than that it’s super intrusive, rude, and unnecessary, is that it’s pretty likely she’ll notify your husband about what you’re doing, causing even more conflict and toxicity in your relationship.

    #951509 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    re. what Kate said, even if she doesn’t notify your husband (I’d have just lied through my teeth to protect my friend who contacted me,) –if you find out things you didn’t know before, and try to talk about them, he’ll soon figure out you spoke to her.Which almost definitely will not help at all.

    #951513 Reply
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    Yeahhh, don’t do it. Something’s off in your marriage and you don’t trust your husband, and he doesn’t sound like a great guy. Bringing a third party into this isn’t going to resolve your issues with him. Sounds like couples counseling would be your best at fixing whatever’s going on.

    As an aside, totally different circumstances, but a handful of years ago, an ex’s now-wife started texting me several months after he and I broke up. From his phone. From their engagement party. To tell me how happy they were together. Just don’t. It’s rattling and weird for the person on the receiving end.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by CopaCopa.
    #951685 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    If your relationship is so bad that you want to contact their ex for clarity, it’s probably time to consider getting unmarried.

    No, don’t contact her. That’s ridiculous.

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