Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Is it lying?

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 6 days ago by avatarLisforLeslie.
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  • #961898 Reply

    My partner and I have been together for many years, and living together for three years. Recently when I was using my partner’s computer, I saw an email between him and a woman indicating that about three weeks ago, he went out for a walk with this woman whom he met through prior social events, while I was away. I remember talking to him on that day when I was out of town, and he told me he was by himself. He continued to meet with this woman, among his other friends, and he told me about those meetups (though at this point, I am not sure if he told me the whole truth).

    Now I am not sure if the walk he took with her was a romantic or platonic one, and if they met other times too without telling me. His behaviors around me have not changed. So now I am facing a dilemma — should I confront him about this? How should I tell him that I clicked on his emails and found out about this? Maybe it is an innocent hang out between friends, and there are no recent emails between them. I would like some advice on what I should handle this.

    #961899 Reply

    I think the best thing to do is approach him, very calmly and not accusatory, about what you came across and then listen to what he has to say and if you have question ask away and listen.

    Is there a chance he didn’t tell you because he is afraid of your reaction if he was to hang out with someone of the opposite sex?

    I do think it is weird to say you went on a walk by yourself knowing good and well someone was with you. That’s not a normal detail to leave out. It’s not cool.

    #961900 Reply

    I wouldn’t say anything. You shouldn’t click on his emails. Frankly, that is so wrong. If my partner did that, I would hate it and feel seriously under surveillance and disrespected. To be in a trusting relationship, you need to be confident and trust your partner. And anyway, what is a walk with a woman? He has the right to meet female friends for a walk. He doesn’t have to report to you all his interactions with women. Perhaps when you talked with him on the phone, he was by himself at that time. Or he knows you as a jealous enough person to click on his mails, so he avoided to mention a friendly walk. Just stop spying on him and you will feel better.

    #961902 Reply

    Considering you would have to go out of your way to open his emails even if you were ‘using his computer’ I’m not surprised he’s not telling you things. He may be up to something shady, he may not but you’re not going to create an environment of trust and honesty with any partner if you’re the sort of person who would do that.

    #961903 Reply

    I appreciate all your feedback and comments. It gave me a lot to think about. I do have trust issues with my partner, as we broke up before because of his cheating. Years later, We got back together after he promised that he is and will be committed to our relationship fully. So it is dejavu for me — is he hiding things from me and cheating again, or is he simply hanging out with a friend. I guess there is no other way to find out except talking to him. I just feel like my partner keeping things from me is not helping with my trust issues.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by avatarEuphoria.
    #961906 Reply

    Whether he is or not, you don’t trust him. A relationship where one partner doesn’t trust the other needs to end for the sake of both parties. You violated his trust and privacy and that also has to be a part of the conversation you have. I’d call this walk thing a pink flag, it was a freaking walk. If he knows you’d fly off the handle of he told you then no wonder he lied.

    What changed between your first and second relationship? Were you very young the first time and he matured? Did he go to counseling? You both went to couples counseling? Or he just said he wouldn’t cheat again? Because that is clearly not enough. You need to figure out what, if anything, you can do to give you what you both need to move forward. Maybe he WILLINGLY and KNOWINGLY shares email/text access with you for a while. Maybe you agree to back off the jealousy and anger so he can be more honest with you. Couples therapy is in order i think if you want to try to stay together. But you need to give serious thought to the fact that you don’t trust him, you’re violating his privacy and don’t think he’s being honest with you, and whether he is or not it may very well be time for you both to move on.

    #961920 Reply

    -you don’t trust him
    -you snoop on him
    -he doesn’t tell you the full truth
    -he’s cheated on you before

    I can’t tell you if he’s currently cheating on you or not, but although I don’t think he owes you information necessarily, I do believe couples that have nothing to hide probably don’t leave out an innocent walk with a friend. I don’t know.

    One thing I do know is that you need to discuss this with him. Tell him the truth and ask for the truth. If you can’t figure out a way forward with this distrust, you need to consider what you want in a relationship. Some people can’t ever regain trust after cheating. It’s often better to move on. Abe counseling would work, but he must also be giving it serious effort.

    #961921 Reply

    While I don’t agree with the snooping, given your past experience with him, I can understand it.

    You don’t have to confront him. You got some really important information: he is not telling you the truth. It could have been a platonic walk. But he made the choice not to tell you about it, either because he knows it would either make you suspicious and question him and he didn’t want to deal with your emotions OR he is cheating.

    Given your past, and given his promise to be fully committed – the expectation was that he would be transparent. He isn’t – and he’s treating your emotions/perceptions as inconvenient or something that he doesn’t want to address head on.

    I don’t think that works as a long term relationship approach.

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