Is it me? Am I wrong

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    January 13, 2023 at 6:03 pm #1118116

    So my partner and his female cousin started to become quite flirty during exchanges on social media. It was done publicly but I was uncomfortable with it due to the double entendre quips that were being made, I said nothing but then some other family members asked me what was going on and said they found it strange.
    I spoke to him about it and he said it was just banter and he didn’t realise how it was perceived but as it was upsetting me he would stop it.

    Sadly he didn’t stop it and he just took it to direct messages where the “flirting” ramped up.

    He started to frequent her home but told me he wasn’t going there and he started to mute her messages when I was around and unmute them when I wasn’t.

    On one occasion in the company of her and some of the family he totally ignored me and acted as though I wasn’t there whilst they whispered in a corner.

    I argued quite a bit with him. Then one night whilst I was at work he facetimed me on my break but then his phone vibrated and he cut our call short saying he was tired and couldn’t keep his eyes open.

    I had my suspicions and when I later suggested he had ended our chat to message his cousin he told me I was insane.

    I asked him to prove to me he hadn’t been messaging her. He opened his phone and I could see that he had messaged her for almost an hour after ending our chat and the content sickened me. He was flirting and they were discussing the fact that she was wearing no knickers.

    He says it meant nothing and it was just his humour and he said I have no right to tell him he can’t communicate with his cousin.

    He accused me of giving him an ultimatum of me or her when I didn’t I gave him a choice.

    If he wished to continue his sexual flirtations with his cousin then I would walk it was that simple.

    Am I wrong?
    Am I overthinking it?
    He has admitted everything even the flirting but says he wasn’t going to take it to another level and that should be good enough.

    He also admits to hiding things from me and lying to me but says he only did that to avoid a row.

    I feel that both he and his cousin are in the wrong but I’m seriously starting to question myself now.

    The messages have been deleted, the cousin is telling everyone it never happened, he is telling everyone that it was just his humour and that I am controlling and trying to cut him off from his family.

    I have no issues with him being near any other female cousins or messaging them, but I should add that he chooses not to and barely manages to wish them a public happy birthday on social media.

    Another of his cousins is disgusted and said if he spoke to her with that “humour” she would take her hand across his face.

    He HAS admitted to me when we are alone that he was wrong and he would stop the “sex talk” but he denies to everyone else that it was sex talk.

    I then did the big No No of looking at his phone myself and I seen just how often this behaviour had been going on between the two of them.

    Should I accept that he just can’t be trusted?

    January 13, 2023 at 9:12 pm #1118117


    January 13, 2023 at 11:45 pm #1118118

    Your (hopefully now ex) boyfriend is awful. That he’d do this kind of messaging with his own cousin is messed up and he’s probably cheated on you already with someone he’s not related to, or will in the future. Just walk away before he destroys any more of your self respect.

    January 14, 2023 at 9:45 am #1118119

    When I said Yes,I meant accept he is bad news and walk away.

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    January 14, 2023 at 10:05 am #1118121

    Oh my. I see quite a few letters on this site where the LW thinks their SO is flirting with a family member or is otherwise jealous of a family member. For the most part, I side eye those, but I’ll take your word for it that he has admitted to the nature of their banter being inappropriate.

    Anyway, sounds like this relationship has run its course. You don’t trust him and have started snooping. He calls you crazy. By his own admission he lies to you. It’s ok to walk away. I promise there are plenty of people out there with whom you can have a secure and trusting relationship, and who won’t call you crazy when you’re having a reaction.

    January 14, 2023 at 10:06 am #1118122

    This is really gross.

    Of course he can’t be trusted. He’s shown you that many, many times.

    Why would you accept this behavior? Why would you stay with anyone who talks to another woman (in this case, a cousin-disgusting!) in a sexual way- talking about not wearing underwear? This is totally unacceptable.

    You really should move on, break up and work out why you were trying so hard with someone who was obviously more interested in his own family members. You’re wondering why he’s doing this, I’m wondering why you’re staying. He’s messed up, that’s why he’s doing this.

    January 14, 2023 at 10:54 am #1118124

    Thank you for your replies, I did already know the answer but a little part of me hoped to hear that I was in the wrong.

    I was supposed to accept that they were cousins and it meant nothing and I was the one who was attacked and told I am insane, bizarre, argumentative and controlling and I needed to accept that he wanted a future with me and his behaviour was irrelevant because it wasn’t going to go anywhere.

    We did break up in April when his cousins brother (obviously his cousin too) became aware. I have known and been good friends with his cousin for many years but my partner told him it was all lies and I was twisting things to control their “friendship” and sadly the cousin said we couldn’t remain friends because I’d described the relationship between his sister and my partner as incestuous.

    My partner and I remained in contact and we decided to give our relationship another go.

    He told me he had no contact with his female cousin but would not ignore her if they happened to be in the same room.

    I did ask him often if he had heard from her and he insisted he hadn’t.

    He continued to play around with my emotions and became even more secretive than before and would go out and tell me i didnt need to know where he was going as he was entitled to live his life and he told me that HE couldn’t trust ME.

    He put more emphasis on me looking at his phone than he did on his behaviour.

    He told his immediate family that I couldn’t be trusted and that I was controlling his life and that I made it something it wasn’t.

    We had a conversation in November where I asked him what he thought was wrong with our relationship and he answered “I feel that you prevent me from doing the things I want to do”

    I asked him “what sort of things”?

    His reply…??

    “Have a relationship with my cousin”

    I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and then I asked again if he had heard from her and again he said no.

    A few hours later I asked him to prove that he hadn’t.

    He had no choice to open his phone to me and they had been back in communication for months.

    Now admittedly the communication appeared “normal” but he couldn’t accept that he’d lied and again said “I only lied because of how you are so I lied to prevent an argument”

    The relationship is now dead but still he runs around telling people that he did nothing wrong and I am the bad one.

    I should add that one day over a year ago he started an argument but then denied what he said to start the argument.

    He exclaimed “oh my god I wish you recorded this so you could go back and see what I said”

    So on his wishes I recorded many arguments and I have him on those recordings admitting to me that he was sorry for the sex talk with her and he promised he would stop it all.

    So I accept I’m not imagining it but just wondered if I was putting way too much emphasis on it.

    His constant Mantra is “it was just humour” AND “I wish I could turn the clocks back and not do it”

    The saddest part is that he doesn’t seem to accept that he has played any part in the breakup and still insists he did nothing wrong.

    January 14, 2023 at 11:52 am #1118125

    “The saddest part is that he doesn’t seem to accept that he has played any part in the breakup and still insists he did nothing wrong.”

    It doesn’t matter, although he admits to lying and breaking your trust.

    Couples break up all the time. You aren’t even married to this guy (lucky you!). This relationship stopped working for you a long time ago, but he talked you into a second chance and immediately reverted to bad behavior. You don’t need him to be at fault to break up. You don’t trust him (for good reasons). That’s enough.

    Forget about him, block him, and don’t give a third chance. And… you can’t stop him from saying he did nothing wrong. That’s his story and he’ll never change it. It’s more than enough that you know what he did. Wanting him to admit that he did wrong will take you nowhere good.

    January 14, 2023 at 12:09 pm #1118126

    The saddest part is you are still wondering why and what happened and discussing it with him.

    Break up for good.

    Who care what’s he saying to other people? Everyone knows what he’s really doing.

    Remove yourself for the situation and feel at peace.

    January 14, 2023 at 12:10 pm #1118127


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    January 15, 2023 at 9:23 am #1118132

    LW, women are often called crazy to invalidate them when they are having a reaction to bad behavior. Show me a “crazy woman” and I can help you connect the dots to the bad behavior of a man nearly every time. You’re not crazy, he’s shifting blame. And in my experience, men seem to be socialized to evade accountability for destructive behavior in their relationships. I think at best, you may get him to admit to just enough truth to sound reasonable. It is, as @anonymousse points out, in your own best interest to cut the guy off and focus on finding your inner peace instead of waiting for him to admit wrongdoing. He won’t.

    It may be true that couples break up all the time, but that doesn’t make it easier when it’s YOU breaking up — so if you need additional support, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist.

    Miss MJ
    January 15, 2023 at 9:31 am #1118133

    If you’re legit worried that your partner wants to sleep with their family member(s), it’s time to accept that this relationship isn’t working, break up and move on. Full stop.

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Is it me? Am I wrong

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