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Dear Wendy

Is it normal not to ‘fall’ after a month of dating?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Is it normal not to ‘fall’ after a month of dating?

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  • #863934 Reply
    avatarEmily
    Guest

    Hi! I’d love some help on a dilemma that I currently have.

    I’ve been seeing a guy for about a month now. I think he’s genuinely a great guy, but I haven’t ‘fallen’ for him yet (my personality, our positions, and my family’s disapproval has had a huge impact). Is this normal? Should I end things? I don’t want to mislead him.

    My post here (link) has most of the details so I will link that as well.

    Thank you!

    #863978 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s normal, sure. Obviously you won’t fall for every guy you date.

    The question you didn’t really ask is, is this right? And it sounds like it isn’t.

    There’s a book called “Is He Mr. Right?” by Mira Kirshenbaum that is super helpful in figuring out if you have the necessary chemistry at each stage. Highly recommend.

    #864007 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    I am guessing that if you are not really feeling strongly after a month that he probably isn’t going to be your future spouse. That being said, you sound pretty young and at your age I don’t know that you need to approach every relationship with a laser focus on long term compatibility. Do you enjoy seeing him? Does the relationship make you happy? Are you having fun? If so, it might worth letting things proceed naturally. If not, I would probably cut bait.

    #864010 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    You won’t have chemistry with every guy you date. I think you’d have felt something by now.

    #864012 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    Love Fyodor’s advice.

    On your other post, you mention this being your first relationship experience, is that right? And you say there’s a 6-year age gap – how old are you? Lastly, how are you defining “falling”? That might help us give you better answers.

    It’s a bummer your family’s prejudice is clouding the experience for you- I’m sorry. Try to stay in the moment with the guy and check in with yourself when you’re with him- do you feel relaxed? Excited? Interested? Energized? Romantic connection can feel different for each of us, but you should at least feel happy and centered in his company.

    #864013 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I think that first person on your other thread gave kind of wack advice. It sounds exhausting to spend all this time establishing friendships with guys and then hooking up and then having a million conversations about whether to date.

    I feel like, just go on 3-4 dates with someone and see if there’s chemistry or not. If not, just don’t see them again. Be friends with your friends and meet guys specifically to date, either online or out or through introductions.

    #864030 Reply
    avatarEmily
    Guest

    Thank you everyone for your replies so far! Here are some answers for the posters.

    I’m 24 years old. And I am happy around his company. In fact, I was even more happy during the first couple of dates we went on. But that feeling disappears when I’m not around him and it makes me wonder if I was just happy because I had company as it is the same happiness I feel around friends. Granted, this happiness also decreased after I fought with my family and now, I’m nervous to meet him because I know how my family feels. Also, we haven’t met up in two weeks now because of scheduling conflicts so I wonder if that’s why I’ve been having so many doubts in my head.

    I don’t know. The things is, we’ve already gone on so many dates (he has even introduced me to his close friends). I genuinely feel bad that I haven’t sorted out my feelings yet. What if I tell him that I think we’d be better off as friends and he hates me? I don’t want him to hate me. And what if I’m making a mistake if I tell him I just want to be friends? What if I never find someone as kind as him again? I would’ve thrown away my chance at happiness.

    #864034 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Uh no, you would not be throwing away your “one chance” lol at happiness if you chose not to continue dating a guy you don’t feel sure you want to continue dating.

    If a guy “hates” you or is angry when you tell him you’d rather be friends, then he’s a volatile and dangerous person who you wouldn’t want to be around. That’s not what’s going to happen, unless he’s a psycho. He may be disappointed and briefly sad, but that’s fine. You also don’t have to be friends. You can just… stop seeing each other.

    After a lot of dates, you should feel happy and excited about seeing someone again. If you don’t, you can and should move on.

    #864037 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    “I’m 24 years old. And I am happy around his company. In fact, I was even more happy during the first couple of dates we went on. But that feeling disappears when I’m not around him and it makes me wonder if I was just happy because I had company as it is the same happiness I feel around friends.”

    It’s not the worst thing in the world at twenty-four to have someone that you date because you enjoy his company. I feel like you’re are subjecting yourself to to way too much meta analysis. I would just go with the flow and continue seeing him if you like seeing him.

    “I don’t know. The things is, we’ve already gone on so many dates (he has even introduced me to his close friends). I genuinely feel bad that I haven’t sorted out my feelings yet. What if I tell him that I think we’d be better off as friends and he hates me? I don’t want him to hate me. And what if I’m making a mistake if I tell him I just want to be friends? What if I never find someone as kind as him again? I would’ve thrown away my chance at happiness.”

    It is highly unlikely that he is the only person in the world that you will ever like. He may hate you if you break up. That’s baseball. You’ll move on and so will he.

    #864040 Reply
    avatarEmily
    Guest

    Thank you Kate & Fyodor. It’s nice being able discuss this with someone. As you said, I’m over analyzing the entire situation. I just feel like I have to because I don’t want to constantly fight with my family over this for nothing. In normal circumstances, I would’ve just gone with the flow but because of my family’s strong opinions (and the fact that I’ve never gone against what they’ve said in my life so far), it makes me doubtful.

    #864062 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I would just move on. Two weeks without seeing him sounds like too much hassle.

    #864065 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    It depends on what you mean by ‘fallen’. One can be in lust and feel totally besotted with someone based on a single meeting or seeing them in a group. It takes longer to determine if you like them as a person and whether you think they are a romantic fit. Love comes even later. It seems you are talking about a strong chemistry and sexual attraction. The answer to your question is that maybe this takes longer than a month.

    Sometimes (I think really not that frequently) chemistry/strong sexual attraction develops slowly. That’s more possible for you since you seem so caught up in what your family thinks, and the difference in your positions. You also suggest that your personality does not permit quickly falling for somebody (not sure why, but assume you know yourself). So over half of your mind is telling you not to fall for this guy.

    Given how much you value your family’s approval, your concern about position, and the fact that you have almost nothing emotionally invested in this guy at the moment, I think the best thing for you to do is MOA quickly, not look back, and in future, don’t date so far outside your comfort zone. You clearly are not made to be a successful rebel.

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