Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Is it normal not to ‘fall’ after a month of dating?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Is it normal not to ‘fall’ after a month of dating?

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  • #864098 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    Go on a double date at a restaurant with really slow service and announce it at the beginning of the double date and force the other couple to sit there uncomfortably with you the whole time.

    #864102 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ
    Guest

    @Fyodor: I only recommend that tactic for long term couples who have lots of intimate issues to discuss such as a lack of sex, awkward fetishes and money problems. Bonus if the double date is with family. Triple if hatred of in-laws comes up as a factor.

    #864109 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    @Miss MJ, you joke but BoF* and I had another married couple over for New Years eve about four years ago and they announced that

    (A) They were getting separated
    (B) Wife had unilaterally opened the marriage up a year earlier
    (C) Wife had been seeing another woman for seven months
    (D) Wife had been forcing husband to attend social events with her also-married girlfriend and the also-married-girlfriend’s husband.

    They announced this about thirty minutes in, leaving us to have a very uncomfortable evening.

    *Bride of Fyodor

    #864110 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    Emily, so you see your breakup is pretty mild in terms of the weird stuff he could be put through. You’ll be fine and he’ll be fine.

    #864113 Reply

    So you’ve been seeing him for about four weeks, but haven’t had time to see him in the last two? And you’ve essentially gone on just an few dates and have been only texting since?

    Just text him that you’ve really liked getting to know him but you’re not feeling any chemistry. He’ll understand.

    #864119 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    How much of this is a lack of chemistry, and how much is you being resistant because being with him would mean disappointing your parents? You’ve mentioned a couple of times that you’ve never gone against your parents’ wishes, and it’s clearly weighing on you that they would never approve of the guy.

    I would give that some thought, because I think this is going to cause serious relationship problems, no matter who you date. You’re probably thinking that if you really, really like the guy, if you “fall,” it would be worth it to go against your parents’ wishes this one time. Problem is, it’s not going to be just one time. A man who’s in a serious, committed relationship with you isn’t going to put up with you deferring to your parents’ wishes all the time.

    I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. But I just wanted to mention it, since fear of your parents’ disapproval seems to be the driving force behind this breakup.

    #864120 Reply
    avatarEmily
    Guest

    @ Fyodor & Miss MJ, Hahaha, you guys are killing me. I suppose the situation could be a LOT worse.

    But thank you all for the advices that you’ve left. It’s nice having someone to talk to about this.

    #864121 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ
    Guest

    @Fyodor: That’s horribly fantastic!!! Happy New Year, I guess? Thank god for champagne toasts – and toasts and toasts and toasts!! Also, the passage of time. It’s a great story! Eventually.

    #864180 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    Yeah I’m with Essie — I don’t think you’re in a position to FEEL chemistry with this guy because you’re so worried about your parents. And to clarify — they disapprove because he is a different race?

    You say you hesitate to take this on with your folks because you’re not sure he’s “the one.” I get it – why burn bridges if things are just going to end in a month or six with this dude? To play devil’s advocate, though, I think you can take it on now regardless. It’s normal to date a range of people at your age. The next person you date might be a different race as well. Or there will be some other thing about him that your parents don’t like. By letting them have this space in your head, you’re going to cut yourself off from a lot of cool experiences and romantic love in the future. Or you’ll find some guy that checks all your family’s boxes and then you’re always wondering if you took the safe option. I understand how hard it is, and you have my full permission to break up with this particular guy to give yourself space to process these issues. But I hope you do figure out how to get your family out of your head when connecting with guys. Good luck!

    #864634 Reply

    I guess I don’t even understand why you tell your parents about who you are casually dating. You’ve been on a couple dates. You dated for two weeks and you haven’t seen him since. You don’t have to tell your parents about any of your relationships, especially when you have just started seeing each other and have no real relationship to speak of. Also-they are racist and judgmental. They don’t have to know about your private life or be involved in it.

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