Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Is it time to just move on?

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leon 5 days, 19 hours ago.

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  • #853831 Reply
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    casia

    About 4 or so months ago i had an argument with my best friend (we’d been friends for 6 years) and i’ve never really fought with her before. Keeping it simple, she was dropping out of school with only 10 weeks until we graduate. I obviously didn’t agree and this set off an entire ordeal. We didn’t speak for three months and they sucked. i don’t have any other friends, i only had her and she meant a lot to me and still does. So i was completely alone for those three months and there was no contact between us. I decided to send a message apologizing to her and asking if she was willing to reconcile our relationship. she agreed but after that we didn’t speak for another week, which the next conversation was about three messages each. It was then a month until we spoke again and i sent her a message, i mentioned how we haven’t been speaking and she replied with the fact that she thinks i hate her and don’t want to talk to her. I wouldn’t have sent that first message if i didn’t want to talk ?? I’ve been initiating the little conversation we have had and the entire vibe of us now just is ruined. we’re being awkward and it’s just uncomfortable.
    We aren’t talking properly and i’m thinking maybe i should just move on? It’s been weeks and nothing has changed and both of us don’t seem to be comfortable talking to one another. I don’t want to hang onto something that isn’t going to go anywhere. i think about her daily and wish i had my best friend back but i was wondering what others opinions were. should i keep trying to salvage what’s left or would it be better to move on and stop being so down all the time, hang with some new people and stop wanting something that’s not going to happen again? I don’t want to give her more time and space, and keep waiting because if it’s not going to happen i dearly do not want to hang on and wait.

    #853834 Reply
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    FYI

    “Hi, friend. Let’s meet at X place on Tuesday at 5 pm and hang out.”

    It sounds like y’all try to conduct / repair a relationship over text, and I don’t get that at all. Go, and take a genuine interest in what she’s up to lately. Extend yourself outward to her and others.

    Doing everything through a screen isn’t going to help your social skills. Join a group — that actually meets in person — to make more friends.

    #853837 Reply

    Yeah just ask her to get coffee/a drink/whatever.

    You told her your opinion on her dropping out of school, but did she ask for it? A lot of times people just want support, not necessarily a lecture or your own thoughts on their behavior. I would find it hard not to point out the silliness of investing all the time, and money etc to drop out right before the end, but I’d make sure to ask “What do you need from me right now? Advice, my opinion, or just a friend to lend an ear?”

    Apologize, tell her the truth- you miss her and your friendship. Hopefully, she wants to be friends again, too. She may not.

    #853838 Reply
    Stonegypsy
    Stonegypsy

    Have a proper, face to face conversation. Ask her for coffee or a drink at a specific time and place, tell her you love her and that you’ve missed her, and apologize for offering her unwanted feedback about her chosen course of action. And then listen to her about why she chose that course (if she wants to talk about it), and how she felt.

    #853840 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I agree that staying in school was probably best for her but it was never your decision to make so it was never your place to argue with her about what she was doing. You were way out of line. You were trying to be controlling.

    Did you ask why she was dropping out? Had something bad happened in her life? Did she realize she hated her major and didn’t want to do it any more? Was she depressed?

    She may have had her reasons and did what she needed to do. You needed to have empathy for what was happening in her life and been a person she could count on to listen to what was happening.

    #853841 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Ask her if you can meet at a coffee shop or restaurant and tell her it’s your treat. You’d like to apologize for arguing with her and trying to tell her what to do.

    #853845 Reply
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    casia

    i seem to not have explained myself well. I didn’t give her my unwanted opinion. that’s it. she wanted my opinion and wanted to talk about it. i understand she wanted me to be involved so i was kept in loop with what was going on but i didn’t want to. i didn’t mean to start an argument. when i said i didn’t want to be involved and assist her in dropping out because i don’t agree (that’s literally all i said, i didn’t say anything to start a big argument). she then replied to that with some hurtful things that then i also replied and now here we are. at no point did i tell her what to do. i left my initial messages simple and intended to just leave the conversation for another time when things were settled but that didn’t happen.
    I would ultimately feel much too uncomfortable to meet in person at this moment. I know for a fact that much wouldn’t be said or done. I suppose that’s my answer to my initial post. thanks then.

    #853848 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It sounds like this whole argument happened by message? Have you ever spent time with this friend in person or was it text only?

    I am so confused why when she said you hate her and don’t want to talk to her, you didn’t say, “I don’t hate you and I do want to talk to you. Can we meet up?”

    #853875 Reply

    You told her you wouldn’t help her when she asked for it because you “didn’t agree.”

    That’s what you did wrong. It’s not hard to see that. Whether you thought she was making a good or bad decision, she asked for your assistance and you said no.

    Apologize and try again. Or don’t.

    #853877 Reply
    avatar
    FYI

    I don’t think LW is wrong for not doing something she doesn’t agree with. That’s a fair boundary. (Besides, who needs “help” in dropping out of school?!)

    But LW, you can’t repair the friendship and at the same time say that you won’t see her because you’re “too uncomfortable.” C’mon.

    #853878 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Yeah, your friend sounds like she makes nothing but bad decisions. Walk away.

    #853879 Reply

    I don’t say she was wrong as a person, but in this situation, that is the “wrong” she committed, most likely, in the eyes of her former friend. Most friends expect support in times of crisis and considering this issue wasn’t harmful to anyone else I’m not surprised it’s changed their friendship. No one drops out of school lightly.

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