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Is my boyfriend being too judgmental?

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This topic contains 75 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar Janelle 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #804948 Reply
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    Janelle

    Hi-Been with my boyfriend Alan for nearly 2 years now. We are very much in love and have plans to move in together soon.
    He is somewhat of a wine expert and introduced me to drinking good quality wines. He enjoys pairing wine with food more than just drinking it to have a drink.
    Most of my life I have been a very infrequent drinker of any kind of booze and would go months without any alcohol. I did start to have a glass of wine a couple times a week after I divorced a few years ago. Or if I would have a “girls” weekend with my sister.
    So,with my boyfriend we were having a bottle of wine between us 2 or 3 times a week. He does not like drunkenness and I never liked to be around drunk people either. Twice during our relationship I accidentally had too much wine and was sick ( did not eat enough before drinking etc.) and he teased me a bit,but he really did not like it.
    He had some health issues lately and stopped having wine/alcohol. We got some wine to celebrate his recovery from illness and as he is still “being careful”,I drank a bit more than he did. Plus we have been through a lot of stress with him being sick and it was nice to relax and have a few glasses.
    Anyway,he got upset and thought I was on the edge of being drunk and he basically made me to feel very judged as if if I did something wrong.
    As I said,I was never much of a drinker and only still have a few glasses a week. But I probably have loosened up in my view of drinking in general. I certainly drink more now than I ever used to.
    My question is,I know I do not want to get into a habit of drinking too much or too often,but he was really uncomfortable with me having a bit too much wine the other night. Not sure why except he thinks I get” too emotional” and he can’t deal with it. Is this none of his business and he is being heavy handed or should I be more respectful of his unease? Opinions please-it made an otherwise enjoyable evening feel not so much fun ,for either of us.

    #804949 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, this is a problem, and possibly a sign of something worse. Do NOT start tiptoeing around and walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. You should be able to have 2 glasses of wine and get a little buzzed. I would ask why this upsets him. What exactly does he mean by “too emotional?” What does that entail, and why does he feel he can’t deal with it? Did he have a parent or ex who drank too much and is associating that with you, or what’s going on?

    But I have to tell you, a guy who makes you feel judged for totally normal behavior and can’t deal with your emotions isn’t a guy you want to be with long-term.

    #804951 Reply
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    JD

    I think he is being a bit heavy handed here. If you were constantly out of control and he was over it, sure, but it sounds like you just maybe didn’t need another glass and he was going over the top. Unless there were some tirades from you regularly when you drank or something it is too much. Just because he is having one glass instead of two now doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. He sounds controlling and judgemental.

    #804955 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    One of the perks of being in a long term relationship is having someone who you can trust to get you home safely, not rape you, and leave you some advil and a glass of water for morning if you do have a little too much to drink. I’m a lightweight (made more so by taking 9 months off drinking) so if I couldn’t get tipsy around my husband I’d basically never get to drink.

    Dude sounds mean. Why would you want to be with a guy who isn’t nice to you.

    #804958 Reply
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    Janelle

    Thanks ladies-my inclination is that he is out of line here. He had a couple bad experiences with people that drank seriously,as in 24/7. But they were not in close relationships to him. However my parents, who drink very little got drunk once on the neighbour’s home made wine and it was a bit traumatic as I was about 12 at the time and had to look after my younger siblings and it was scary. That is partly why I was always leery of booze.
    So,I did and do feel it is none of his concern. He would not/could not explain why it bothered him so much,but he is a bit prudish in general. Interestly,he really hates being told what people think he should or should not do.
    I guess I will have to tell him that if he continues to judge me it could be a dealbreaker. In general we have an amazing relationship and are very compatible. However I don’t want to move in with him and have this be an ongoing issue.

    #804960 Reply
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    JD

    Everyone hates being told what they should or should not do. The fact that he feels the need to harp on what other people do, but refuse to hear it himself, says a lot…and none of it is good.

    #804962 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I would guess there’s a larger pattern here that might show him not to be a really open, loving, nurturing guy who accepts you for who you are and who you always feel comfortable around. The “you get too emotional” thing is a red flag for me unless you’re truly annoying, weepy, angry, screaming, crying, etc., which it doesn’t sound like. I definitely would say don’t move in if you’re feeling in any way judged.

    #804963 Reply
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    Janelle

    Thanks Kate-I -have gotten teary before with the wine (once or twice),but I am an “emotional” person-open,very loving and positive. So I got a little happy about how” wonderful the world is”. Tears of happiness and gratitude,I thought.
    He is very linear and scientific in his thinking. But he can also be sweet and soft-hearted. You are right that I feel not wholly accepted. I totally accept him and all his foibles,even love him more because of them.
    I guess I need to talk to him about all of this and soon.

    #804964 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I think this is weird. When I was in college and grad school, I was going out all the time and drank a lot. I was young, having fun, and that was the culture. My boyfriend at the time never judged me for the nights I did drink too much, and those nights were more frequent then.

    I’m in my early 30s now and don’t do this anymore, I still like going out for drinks or having a drink at home, and a nice buzz. I still have the rare bad night, but it’s infrequent. If someone got mad at me and judged me for “being on the edge of drunk,” I wouldn’t like it. (Also, what does it even mean to be on the edge of drunk?) If you were out-of-control-drunk all the time I can see why that would upset him — I don’t really want to date anyone who parties a ton anymore. Getting sick from drinking too much isn’t a great look on anyone, but people do have bad nights and this isn’t habitual for you; it’s happened twice in two years.

    So, I dunno, it’s okay if you’ve loosened your views on drinking. Having a couple glasses of wine once or twice a week isn’t anything crazy. If he’s prudish and judge-y, you might want to consider if he’s the right guy for you long-term.

    FWIW, after grad school, I cut way back on drinking and had a period where I drank very little. The boyfriend I had during this time drank more than I did, and it was whatever. He was never out of control. I only expressed any kind of concern when I found out he blacked out almost every weekend (I never knew until he told me). THAT seemed problematic to me.

    #804968 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I dunno. I suspect that as a snobby wine doofus he misses getting to drink fancy wines because of his health condition and he resents your doing so and so he makes these comments.

    #804969 Reply
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    Janelle

    Hi Fydor-he had wine too. He just can’t or should not have it too often now. He had two glasses about a 3rd full and I had 3 about half full.We were at his place,not out at a bar. He is more about quality of wine and certainly a bit snobby about wine and other things. He used to be somewhat wealthy and lost most of his money due to health problems and some bad investments.

    #804970 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    He might be a snob wine drinker but thats his prerogative and the same goes for if he wants to date someone just like him. I personally hate emotional drunks, crying and all dramatic and shit, it ruins a sober persons evening. I dont think your boyfriend should judge you though, esp if this is the second time you may have gotten buzzed but question? Could he be more upset with the fact that he is “ill”, not feeling good and here you are buzzed and he doesnt want to deal with that while feeling “ill” ? Could that be a possibility more so then judging you on being “buzzed”.

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