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Is my boyfriend being too judgmental?

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  • #804973 Reply
    avatarJanelle
    Guest

    Hi Poppy-yes,he is still very stressed with his illness ( amputation of part o a limb actually ) and is trying to get his life back on track,work,finances ,health etc. I understand all of that and have been very helpful and caring to him. He likes it when I look after him and has needed that ,but wants to regain his independence of course. I want that too of course and to return to more of a balance.
    I do not think him being ill makes that much difference to his attitude,but he has been fairly grumpy and a bit depressed.
    I am just a bit confused by the whole thing- I don’t feel I did anything wrong but I also don’t want to start drinking too much. I guess if I felt he was more concerned with my health than my behavior I would not be so bothered. And you are right that if he does not like to be around maudlin drinking,it is his perogative. I just am really unsure if he is being heavy handed and a jerk or trying to keep me from doing something that would make him respect me less. I can see both sides as my ex drank alot and I did not like it. But I am not a heavy or habitual drinker…so not sure how to approach this or how much it might e a red flag for the future.

    #804977 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Look, you did *nothing wrong*, and I think you want to be with someone who likes you as you are and wants you to be happy, including enjoying a couple glasses of wine after work sometimes and getting a little happy.

    Is it JUST the drinking thing you feel he’s weird about or potentially judging you on, or is it more?

    #804978 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    It’s ironic that he is all over you for moderate social drinking with food, when he is the one who took the basically non-drinking you and led you to be a moderate social drinker, pairing wine with food a couple times a week. It sounds like you still drink less than he did and that he is the one who has drunk to the point of causing health problems. Ask him “project much?” I think Fyodor is correct: your bf is angry about his health, angry that he can’t drink as much as he used to, and he is taking all that anger out on you. He has only his genetics and his own past drinking decisions to blame. If he didn’t want a gf who drank two glasses of wine two or three times a week, then he shouldn’t have played wine professor and led you in that direction. He does seem to be a guy who needs to be in charge in a relationship. You need to decide if that is what you want. The problem drinker in the relationship is him, not you. You are the one who is semi-entitled to be on his case and asking him if he really is eager to lose pieces of more limbs. I take it he is a diabetic in rather bad shape. Honestly, if he keeps drinking and not controlling his blood sugar, possibly even if he does, it is all downhill from here. He has some control over how steep the slope is, but once the amputations begin… You also need to decide whether you can be onboard for that.

    #804984 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    “I just am really unsure if he is being heavy handed and a jerk or trying to keep me from doing something that would make him respect me less.”

    Both of these scenarios make him a jerk, not just the former IMHO. The latter is pretty controlling.

    #804987 Reply
    avatarPoppy
    Member

    Wow, amputated!!! I honestly dont think you did anything wrong either but just looking from a different perspective. At the end of the day if you dont act how he feels you need to act then you need to ask yourself is this the right relationship for me. Unless this was an annoying typical habit then i could say, ehhh maybe its you but since its not, its him. Dont get dragged into feeling sorry for someone, you got to go be happy yourself.

    #804988 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s also extremely important to be able to be comfortable in your own home and relax and enjoy your downtime the way you want to. Think about living with someone who judges how you like to relax and unwind. Leaving the toilet seat up is one thing, but this is a lifestyle difference. And I still suspect it’s not just this one thing, but I may be projecting my judgmental ex on you.

    #804989 Reply
    avatarJanelle
    Guest

    Hi Ron-You are correct about everything you said. I agree with you as well Kate. I too think it is a bit ironic for him to be on my case when he “started it”. (introduced me to regularly having wine). I enjoyed-enjoy it and am certainly not wild.
    He does have other health issues too and has vowed/begun to eat more healthily,drink much less often etc.
    i am concerned that this could be a bad pattern of behavior if we moved in together-we had some discussion about losing some weight ( each of us) and he specified the number of pounds he thought I should lose. An amount that would not be good for my age and weight IMO and I told him that was not going to happen. I look fine as I am and 10 pounds would be fine to lose but certainly not more. He has a big belly that concerns me for his health,but I have never been bothered by how he/it looks.

    I appreciate everyone’s thoughtful answers-still torn ,lol. We are really so compatible and happy together in so many ways. But I don’t want to start feeling bad about myself either.

    #804991 Reply
    avatarJD
    Guest

    Eww he is telling you how much weight to lose. Please drop this guy.

    #804992 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    “and he specified the number of pounds he thought I should lose.”

    Omg no. That is never ok. Guys know not to ever go there. That conversation should go no further than, like, how you’re going to exercise together or how workouts will fit into your lives or how you’re going to shop and meal prep for healthy eating. If a doctor recommended a certain number of pounds to lose, that could be part of the discussion. But no partner should ever ever tell the other one how much weight to lose.

    #804999 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    LW, I have a controlling father-in-law who can’t drink anymore for health reason and he can’t tolerate that his wife drinks in front of him. She must abstain like him, diet like him, and so on. And the worse is that she does it, she is totally submissive. If you like the relationship alltogether with your guy, you should have a discussion with him where you set the facts: you are ready to be a supportive partner for his recovery, but you are not going the be guilt tripped when you drink some glasses of wine or eat your dinner. That is his problem to manage, not yours. If he can’t deal with his own diet, and turn it into a controlling judgemental behavior with you, then the relationship won’t be possible anymore. You have to draw a clear, explicit boundary, and recall him each time he is crossing it. Because the domineering manners of a male partner are quick to come back. Personnally, I would just tell him to f.. off when he tries to limit my normal intake of wine or food, and leave immediately. Don’t let it pass. Be vocal and and crystal clear.

    #805000 Reply
    avatarJanelle
    Guest

    Well,I will consider all the advice carefully- I would say “it is not as bad as it seems” but whenever someone says that on here-things seem to be “that bad” and worse,lol.

    #805001 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    No, I mean, I believe you when you say you two are compatible and you love him and enjoy spending time with him. But to me, these are a couple of red flags that could signal you should take a step back from moving in together at this time. Seriously. If he can’t deal with you at your “had a couple wines and feeling good,” then he doesn’t deserve you at whatever he thinks is your sober & skinny best.

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