This topic contains 22 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by ron 6 days, 11 hours ago.
- June 6, 2019 at 10:15 pm #844835
In case this story gets really long and boring, I’ll put my main question here so nobody gets lost: Does he really seem serious in being in this relationship with me?
I met my current boyfriend from an online dating app that is categorized as hookup site. Yes I did know all rumors about this app but I still wanted to try it out because it has a large and diverse pool of users. On our first date, I brought that up and told him that I wasn’t using the app for hookups or One night stands but I was looking for a relationship and potential marriage. In response he said he did not want to play game and did not look for hookups either.
On the third date he asked me to become his GF and it caught me off guard, i told him it was too early and that i needed time. The next couple weeks after that he was very sick (got admitted to ER twice) and even though I offered to come over and take care of him, he politely declined, said he did not want me to get sick. We facetimed and texted everyday, I wanted to make sure he was okay. This was when I told him I would like us to be as GF/BF. I knew since then, that I really really like him.
2 months in this relationship (I did not count the one week texting before officially met or the weeks before we were official BF/GF) We have had great chemistry and great sex but recently I have noticed he seems very busy and something is not right… He does not initiate the texts- though he always texts me back, we have spent zero weekend together (this has to do with 2 weeks he was sick, 5 weeks his sister was staying in his house, and about 2 other weeks he said he was busy), I do not even know where he lives.
He could completely disappear for couple days, but when we spend time together, it is always joyful and passionate. I know he has been through a lot of sh*t at work and his personal life (he’s quitting his job and his dad is not feeling well) but it just seems he does not want to open up his feeling to me or want to include me in solving the problems.
Yes he could go days without contacting me, but when he does text me, his texts are always very affectionate. He talks about him falling in love with me and marrying me one day.But then he could disappear for a day or two. Last week, he told me that he’d be going on a one-week-vacation 3 days before leaving. It’s been 3 days after he left, he did not contact me at all.
Am I overreacting? Should I just end this up and leave?June 7, 2019 at 5:03 am #844842
When I was internet dating after being widowed, at least three guys ducked out due to being rushed to ER, and no, they didn’t need me to visit because they were being brave little soldiers. Someone should really do some serious research on the correlation between being incredibly unlucky/clumsy and using a data app, eh 😉
You need to stop listening to his words because he’s just saying what you want to hear in order to string you along. Look at his actions instead – he’s not committing anything to this, or taking the initiative – you’re doing all the running because you *want* to see him as bf material.
When I finally met my now-husband on an app, it was entirely different. He engaged, he communicated equally, and we made set and definite plans that were kept to. We also got to know each other as people, and there was no effort to it. Hold out for the decent stuff and know that this guy is at best using you as a hook up, or at worst is already attached and you’re his side piece.June 7, 2019 at 6:21 am #844849
Yeah the fact that (a) you don’t even know where he lives and (b) he has not spent one weekend with you — huge red flags. If he doesn’t have a wife/gf, then he’s just not interested in you.
Like Tabitha says, words mean almost nothing in the early stages of dating: his behavior shows you his intentions. Stop making “he says affectionate things to me” your standard – when they’re so affectionate early on, it’s complete BS. A guy can’t be THAT into you after a handful of dates, which means his words are a lot more about him fulfilling some fantasy than about you as a human.
Go on OKCupid or Match where everyone writes more about themselves – the fact that you’re dropping “looking for potential marriage” on a first date means you are probably going to get disappointed a lot on the hookup apps. I was like you and had much better luck with more traditional sites.June 7, 2019 at 7:15 am #844851
I have had the thoughts of being used for easy sex a couple times but this guy really has a lot of sh*ts going on and it just happened to be in our early stage of this relationship. I thought I would give this more time to prove me wrong.
When we were together, his actions were really genuine and caring, and we did not have sex every single times we met. I know i have a fantasy about settling down and this guy has every materials I want in a partner: stable career, house owner, no student loan… We have had conversations about how we match as potential partner, as me too, fulfill his need as a potential wife. But again, these were all words, so I thought I would give time to see how this would go.
The only things bother me are that he does not initiate texts or we have not spent weekends together, which he has explained multiple times : sick/sister in town/busy…June 7, 2019 at 7:29 am #844854
Yup, the perfect man who you met on a hook-up site and has never spent a weekend with you, drops off the radar, doesn’t initiate contact and has frequent and amazingly timed health disasters (along with the rest of his family) sounds perfect marriage material. The fact that he’s already brought this up as the fairytale ending to your romance, despite only being 2 months (!) into the ‘relationship’ is evidence of this. I’d probably start making babies with him right away, and start sending out save the date cards. He sounds ideal.
Seriously though, is this the first time you’ve ever used a dating app? I had dead grannies, hospital appointments, critically ill children, broken down cars, “my phone doesn’t take incoming calls”, all off blokes wanting a no-strings hook-up, who all insisted that they were really looking for a relationship and I wasn’t like the other women they’d met on Tinder/Bumble/Plenty of Mugs. I’m amazed I didn’t marry them all, based on what they were prepared to say in order to get their rocks off 😀
If a job, a house and no student loan are your parameters for an ideal relationship you seriously need to up your game, because guys are going to see you coming from a mile off.June 7, 2019 at 7:43 am #844855
Okay, the no weekends thing sealed the deal for me on this. He’s already dating someone else and has used all these excuses to keep you on the hook. It doesn’t matter that you’ve not had sex every time. It doesn’t matter what he says. Look at his actions.
He doesn’t initiate. He’s never spent one weekend with you. Not even a date? That’s your flashing neon sign, right there. Unless he works a strange schedule, he would presumedly be using some of his weekend to see you. He isn’t (most likely) because he’s already spending that time with someone else. He hasn’t ever taken you to or even told you where he lives. I have to assume there’s a reason, like a gf or a wife there.
I think you should focus less on your list of what you want- (a man with no student loan debt? What if he’s close to paying it off? What if he’s in medical school?) And focus instead on what the men you are dating do. Try a different app. Ask to see their place after a couple dates. Be a little bit more skeptical if you are on a hookup app. A lot of people are not going to be honest with you about what they want. They will say what they need to to get what they want. Not everyone is like this, but on a notorious hookup app there is a high amount of false advertising.June 7, 2019 at 7:59 am #844856
Do you mind if I ask how old you are, how many dates you have been with online dating matches? Because you act like you are very desperate for a marriage and that he is your last resort.June 7, 2019 at 8:43 am #844863
This behavior often goes deeper than just looking for “easy sex.” People like to pretend they’re falling in love, get all wrapped up in someone – without being willing to do the things that actually matter, like communicate with and prioritize the other person. It’s a lot kinder in some ways to just be in it for the sex – guys like this dude can waste a ton of your time.
Also, two months in, with limited times seeing each other, it’s weird to me that you’re having talks about how to fulfill HIS NEEDS as a potential wife! Sure there’s the quick: want marriage? Want kids? But it feels like you’re putting the cart before the horse here with these talks about long-term compatibility. Give it more time in your next relationship and make sure you’re compatible on a day-to-day level first.June 7, 2019 at 9:20 am #844867
Yes, @Tabitha when I was internet dating the frequency rate of sudden illnesses, family emergencies, and people needing a ride from the airport at the exact time a date was scheduled was astonishing.
Anywho, @laura: talk is cheap. So is texting. He has furnished some pretty lame excuses for why he cannot see you on the weekend. I call BS big time.
If you don’t even know where he lives, how can you be so sure of his qualifications (“stable career, house owner, no debt”).
I’d keep shopping around if I were you.June 7, 2019 at 9:31 am #844868
Wait, he has a stable career but also has so much shit going on at work because he’s quitting his job? His sister was staying with him for FIVE weeks and that meant he wasn’t allowed to see a Friday night movie or have Sunday brunch with you? Because his sister couldn’t hang out for a few hours, or just come along and meet you, the person he wanted to immediately call his girlfriend and is already talking marriage with? He owns his own home, but you’ve never seen it and don’t even know where it is? Girl…he is playing you like a violin. You are believing every word he says and making this so easy for him. You don’t actually know that ANY of these things are true. He slapped the “girlfriend” label on early so he could be assured regular sex without much effort. He talks sweet and brings up marriage so you’ll stay around without him having to put in any real effort. You’re on the hook now, and he’ll respond when you text him because it might mean a hookup, but he’s not actually into you. When someone is into you, you know. You don’t have to wonder and analyze and write into an advice site. You’ll know.June 7, 2019 at 10:04 am #844870
Thanks everyone for the opinions.
I am 27 and have been on the dating online apps for about a year. I have tried OKC, Bumble, and Hinge before this guy and have no chemistry over 6 dates I have been on. I met this guy on Tinder, a so called hookup app. I just have never have such a great chemistry with anybody, like butterflies, that’s why I didn’t want it to end.
As I mentioned before, I have thoughts that this is my own fantasy, and thqt I was taken advantages of. But I just don’t know why a man would invest his time to see me at least twice during week days, for two months straight, (we have had sex only 5 times during which we only did when I was comfortable with),would be that type of jerk wants no string- hookups
I have doubts because we have spent zero weekends together, but in my mind I keep making excuses for him (that his sister is there and it’s awkward for somebody you’ve been dating only two months to meet each other family member)
I definitely see how this is a waste of time but at the same time, he would be a very amazing actor for faking all of the genuine and caring in his eyes.June 7, 2019 at 10:11 am #844871
I think he’s very likely dating someone else. But I would also agree that he decided to aim for a relationship with you so quickly because he realized you wouldn’t stick around if he didn’t.
He’s very clearly trying to keep you out of his life and doesn’t show much interest in the relationship. It doesn’t require him to be an amazing actor. First of all, you can tell that something is off. Second, PLENTY of people do this. It’s not that rare and doesn’t require special skill. Talk to anybody who’s dated much and they can tell you multiple stories of people who lied all the time or misled them.
Him trying to hop in a relationship so quick was a red flag. I can see how you might want to see if he was just overeager and give him a chance. But in giving him a chance, you’ve found that he doesn’t act like he actually wants a relationship. Time to move on.