Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Is my boyfriend (met from online dating app) really serious in our relationship?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Is my boyfriend (met from online dating app) really serious in our relationship?

This topic contains 22 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar ron 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #844872 Reply
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    Vathena

    Well that’s the thing. You’re not quite a no-strings hookup, but a very-minimal-strings hookup. All he had to do to make sure you’d be available for semi-regular sex was come on hot and heavy and say what you wanted to hear. Once he did that, he just had to feed you excuses for why he’s not available on weekends (which is, if you didn’t know, the time that people in exciting new REAL relationships really want to spend together. Also the time that people in long-term serious relationships spend together. NOT the time that people with new girlfriends want to spend entirely with their sister.) He knew you were so invested in the idea of “future husband” that you’d be willing to buy his excuses for awhile. He’s just coasting now, not initiating but returning contact, because he’s not actually interested in being your boyfriend. When you wise up, he’ll move on to the next woman who falls for his lines.

    #844874 Reply
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    MaltaKano

    Feeling awesome chemistry with 1 out of 6 strangers you’ve gone out with is a GREAT RATE! I went on probably 100 dates in two-three years in my late 20s. I felt awesome chemistry with only 3 guys. Seriously dated 2. Only one had the compatibility factor that made us good partners. (Ironically, the one that didn’t work had a lot of time for me on weekends but thought weekday dates were “too much”!) My now-partner had a similar success rate before we met. If you’re playing the odds, you’re already ahead! All that to say: chemistry will happen again, but it sounds like you need to just keep putting yourself out there.

    #844875 Reply
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    Tabitha_Mc

    So, two months and five shags – he hasn’t done badly at all for a few nice words and some convincing stories. Honestly, anyone who’s talking about marriage and you being the ideal partner after a couple of meet-ups is having a ball here. As a few others have also stated, this is a *really* common pattern for internet dating – nothing he has said is unique, special, or indicative that he truly intends to spend the rest of his life with you. Don’t mistake chemistry and that sparkly unicorn feeling for ‘true love’ or a sign that this is meant for the long-term. There are many more things that have to be in place before that’s the case.

    #844877 Reply
    TheLadyE
    TheLadyE

    Just to give you a little perspective, I started dating my boyfriend around the same time you started dating this guy (actually maybe a little sooner): mid-March. We had the conversation about being in a committed relationship in mid-May, so after 2 months. We text during the week pretty much every day, and generally see each other on weekends and sometimes during the week (we live about 30 mins apart). He stayed at my house last weekend and I’m staying at his apartment this weekend. We alternate. I visited his apartment about a month in; he visited my house first but after a similar amount of time.

    We are nowhere near ready to talk marriage. Holy hell. It’s been 3 months! We are enjoying getting to know each other and prioritizing our time together among our other commitments (work, family, hobbies, friends). This is how a relationship progresses in the early stages. The clincher for me reading your post was, as other said, that he won’t spend any time with you on weekends. Wtf? I definitely think he is either with someone else, seeing other women, and/or stringing you along and probably all three. But no matter what, you’re not getting what you need from him so it’s time to either have a conversation about that or break up. I would probably just MOA if I were you.

    Wendy and others here have said it: the point of dating in the early stages is to see if you want to keep dating. That’s really it. Especially in the first six months or so, it’s really to see if you want to keep spending time together much less anything else. I learn a ton about my boyfriend every time we see each other and I still have tons to learn. It’s through learning those things that you’ll see if you are indeed compatible for a more long-term commitment or marriage. Don’t put the cart before the horse.

    #844879 Reply
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    FYI

    Obviously dump this guy, but the real issue is that your criteria for a husband is
    stable career, house owner, no student loan.

    I mean, Hitler probably had that. “Husband” isn’t a role people audition for; you have it backwards. Get to know a person just because. If you naturally become closer and want to marry, do that. Don’t force people into “husband” box.

    #844881 Reply

    He’s not a great actor. He hasn’t had to perfect his acting skills, because you believe what he’s saying and don’t seem to press. I know it’s hard to imagine someone would lie and keep lying to have sex with you a handful of times, but it’s so common. A lot of us have been through it, and a lot worse. There are a lot of jerks out there. I mean, he hasn’t had to jump through any hoops to start this relationship with you. You haven’t met his friends. Not his sister, who’s supposedly living with him. You don’t even know what neighborhood he loves in. He’s gone on a vacation with no warning. Don’t you think that’s weird? He’s not actually invested very much in this. You seem to ask very little, and the wrong questions. You shouldn’t be thinking or talking about marriage when you’ve just met someone. Dating is to get to know someone, and seeing if you’re compatible longterm. A commitment and marriage come later.

    When people really want to be in a relationship with you, they will want you to meet their friends. They’ll be excited to tell you about their upcoming vacation. They wouldn’t mind you swinging by and meeting a sister. Really, even if it’s been only a couple weeks or months. It’s not a big deal. They’d take you to their place, and go on dates with you on the weekend!

    That, and the never seeing his place are really the two huge warning signs that he is seeing someone else. Weekends are prime date nights. That’s literally when you spend time with your SO.

    If you don’t believe this is what’s happening. Ask to see his place. Ask him where he lives. His address. Ask him out to a date on Saturday. Ask him if he’s in a relationship and that’s why he’s being so strange. Do you know his full name? Google him.

    #844917 Reply

    If he made you some type of proposal,aaand i think yes,he is serious.

    #844922 Reply
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    ron

    okkorn — just no. Awful advice!

    #844927 Reply
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    Laura Chang

    To everyone,

    Update: he sent me a couple texts and pictures from the place he’s on vacation but I really don’t have the mood anymore

    Thank you all so much for the advices, after spending a day thinking about everything, I think it’s time for me to cut this off.
    I’ll wait until he gets back from vacation and then either have the break up conversation if he contacts me, or simply just go MIA. It’s gonna be hard but I cannot let myself be in this anymore.
    I’ll update again the situation and close this topic.

    #845202 Reply
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    CHRISTNA

    You clearly don’t want advice, you want someone to tell you what you want to hear. MOA

    #845203 Reply
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    ron

    CHRISTNA — Her last post, 4 days prior to your post, certainly says to me that she was seeking advice and has been listening and now implementing advice. Not at all sure where you’re coming from.

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