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Dear Wendy

Is my fiance abusive or just being a jerk?

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This topic contains 68 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by avatar Essie 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 69 total)
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  • #801093 Reply
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    Amy

    My fiance has recently started to make comments to me like “you fat idiot” and “are you retarded”. He also threatens to shoot everyone if anyone wakes him up (I think he is saying this in a joking matter, but still it makes me uneasy). He enjoys rough housing and will either flick me with his fingers, whip me with a towel, or playfully punch me. I usually dont mind this rough housing, but he sometimes gets too rough and ends up hurting me.

    I feel silly for asking this, but is any of this behavior abusive? I keep telling myself I’m just making it up, that he is only messing around and I’m being too sensitive.

    #801094 Reply
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    TeacherNerd

    That’s…that’s not cool. It’s downright awful. It doesn’t need to be abusive to be Very So Not Okay. Gotta say, it’s okay to not like this! You are really allowed to tell him you don’t like it, to tell him to stop (don’t ask him – TELL HIM to stop). And not to stay in a relationship with someone who thinks this is in any way acceptable.

    #801096 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think it’s abusive.

    #801097 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, “shoot everyone?” Are there kids in the house??

    #801099 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Calling you a fat idiot is abusive.

    #801100 Reply
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    Miss MJ

    You’re not being too sensitive. I think its abusive or trending there. But, really, you can break up with someone just because they’re a jerk to you. (Or for any reason whatsoever.) They don’t have to be abusive to justify you getting out of there. You can do better than this guy. Dump him and move on.

    #801101 Reply

    Hello Kate,

    Thank you for your reply. Yes, I have a 7 year old son and a 4 month old daughter.

    I’d like to think he is joking, but this statement makes me very uneasy.

    #801103 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, that’s not acceptable. None of that is. Calling someone, let alone a loved one, fat or retarded is completely wrong and abusive. Joking about hurting or killing kids, even being intolerant about them waking him, is also completely wrong and abusive. So is hurting you by flicking fingers or towels or throwing “fake” punches. Good god. Even if he WERE just a jerk, you can’t marry a guy like this and have him around your kids.

    #801105 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I’d be very wary about marrying your fiance. He’s recently started insulting you. I have to wonder if he feels that he can be his true self now that you are engaged. No need to hide what he’s truly like. That combined with the threat to shoot everyone if anyone wakes him up and with the physical aggressiveness is enough to tell you to step back and reevaluate. The physical aggressiveness will probably only get worse. It might be done in a playful manner but he knows what he is doing and he is showing you that he is physically dominant and can physically do what he wants to you. If he went to far once and then felt bad about it and stopped doing physically aggressive things that would be one thing. It doesn’t sound like he minds hurting you and doesn’t regret going too far. Combine verbally abusive with physically abusive with threatening to shoot people and you need to really think about leaving. He likes treating you this way. Do you want to be married to someone who likes treating you this way? He’s shown his true self. If you talk to him he may stop but almost certainly it would only be until you were married and then he would definitely feel that he could treat you the way he wants.

    #801106 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Just saw you had kids. Take your kids and run.

    #801107 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    An infant who cries, and you “think” he’s joking about shooting her.

    #801108 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    All of it is abusive. Leave as fast as you can. Don’t subject yourself or your kids to this behavior any longer. It also sounds very likely that his behavior will escalate.

    Also, for future relationships, I hope that you are aware that you should leave someone if they are a jerk too, not just if they are abusive. The things you listed (saying mean things, hurting you, making creepy threats of violence) are bad on their one even if they weren’t defined as abusive. You can (and should) leave someone if they make you feel bad about yourself, hurt you, or make you uneasy.

    He’s using jokes to gaslight you and to show his dominance over you without being too overt to make you leave. He’s doing it this way so that you brush it off as a joke but still learn to walk on eggshells and do what he says “or else.”

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