- This topic has 146 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Ruby Tuesday.
PearlwhiteNovember 13, 2018 at 4:13 pm #807863
Thanks for all the (mixed) comments/advice. This is really hard and I am very upset. Given that I have seen no “red flags” in their current behavior,had my GF told me and explained how,why and treatment etc.-I could likely “live” with it. But if it is true and was not disclosed-and I get why it would be hard to tell someone- then that does not seem right either.
I feel blindside by the relative. They could have told me their concerns 6 months ago when I met them in person-we had a short alone time. They knew our relationship was serious at that time. Now they are calling about something that is serious but may never be issue-however now I am worried and confused.
I hate confrontation and the idea that I have to tell my GF the whole gist of what was said is hard but I can’t go around with this “secret either.ele4phantNovember 13, 2018 at 4:22 pm #807865
Yeah…this is hard.
On the one hand, there could be a grudge this relative is carrying for whatever reason.
On the other hand, when people do have substance abuse problems, it is very common for them to push away those who most strongly try to get them to acknowledge and deal with their addictions. This relative may be that person, not someone out to get her.
I mean, you know your girlfriend, I don’t, based on what you’ve seen you’ve never seen her high or out of control, but there are some things that would give me pause.
Everything else this relative told you was truthful. Why lie about this one thing? And why now? You’ve been with her two years, you’ve met them in person, why is now the moment they choose to sabotage her? Why not earlier, before you were too invested? Why not when they met you in-person?
You also know your girlfriend has had some problems with drinking in the past – albeit as its been classified to you it was situational and confined to just alcohol.
I think you need to talk with your girlfriend about what you heard. There may be repercussions, but this is a big deal, you need to investigate if there is *any* shred of credibility.
And don’t buy a house right now, if nothing more than because she doesn’t have an income stream at the moment.BittergaymarkNovember 13, 2018 at 4:42 pm #807868
6 months ago you GF had a job and they were NOT concerned…BittergaymarkNovember 13, 2018 at 4:44 pm #807869
PS: if your GF was truly sincere in her attempt to remain sober, she simply would NOT have hid this from you.PearlwhiteNovember 13, 2018 at 4:47 pm #807870
Thanks ele4phant. My GF has gone home ( we don’t live together yet) and I won’t be able to talk in person for a few days ( they live aways away)-this is really tough.
The relative really put me in a crappy spot. ( though if my gf was an addict,she is responsible for not speaking up before) They dump this on me and tell me not to tell my GF because then my GF will never talk to them again and at the same time ,told me that if I leave her (gf) she will likely get depressed and return to drugs because I am a great person that seems to have kept them happy and from going “off the rails” Also that my GF could try to commit suicide if I leave! WTF to all this!PearlwhiteNovember 13, 2018 at 4:48 pm #807871
Sometimes there are tough conversations in relationships. If you love and respect her, you’ll ask her about it and let her explain or confess, or whatever. You’ve seen nothing that makes you think she has a problem. She’s told you about this relative’s habit of meddling.
There’s also a chance she experimented with drugs, and this relative has blown it out of proportion. You’ve been with her for two years. Give her the chance to set the record straight.
You need to tell her. At this point, it kind of seems like you don’t trust her or don’t trust her to be honest with you.
It’s unfair and manipulative for that relative to have said those things to you. Whoever it was clearly has a problem with boundaries. If there’s any possibility of talking to her face to face sooner, you should make it happen. If this relative calls you again, I would tell them that you aren’t going to keep secrets from your gf.ele4phantNovember 13, 2018 at 5:05 pm #807876
Yeah, I have no idea the veracity of any of the relative’s allegations, they could be total bullshit, totally true, or somewhere in between.
But your obligation is to your girlfriend, not them. They don’t get to drop a bomb on you and walk away. You need to talk with your girlfriend about what you heard, give her a chance to give her side, and you can judge from there whether or not you have further concerns.
I don’t see how you have any choice but to tell your girlfriend.
This is already affecting your feelings about the relationship. Your GF is going to pick up on that. You’re hesitant to get a place together. You’re not sure that you trust her anymore. She’ll feel it, and it will hurt, and she won’t know why you’re pulling away.
If her relationship with the relative is damaged, well, so be it. That’s between the two of them.
If it’s a lie or exaggeration, your GF needs to know her relative is spreading lies behind her back.
If it’s all true, now the GF knows that you know about her history of addiction, and you’ll hopefully have a long-overdue talk about it.
Will it be that simple? Maybe, maybe not. But it needs to be talked about. Or the weight of it will break the two of you up anyway.PearlwhiteNovember 13, 2018 at 5:08 pm #807878
Hi anonymousse-if my GF totally denies it,then I will have to decide if I can trust and believe-I want to-but this has totally thrown me. I AM afraid of what I may find out but I need the truth.. I must ask my GF about it first.
I don’t know the relative well enough to know if they would have told my GF that she needed to tell me ( if it is true ) first and my GF just didn’t.
LW, how about research signs to look for on heroin users, cocaine users, and alcholics. That might help you. Cocaine and herion are serious drug choices. Herion is very hard to quit once your addicted. Same with alcohol. Even with rehab and interventions people still slip. Its a constant battle to stay clean. If your S/O isnt invovled in out patient treatment or supportive groups and has normal behaviors then this relative is being dramatic. Sure your S/O could have tried cocaine and heroin once before and could have had her share of drunken nights but that doesnt make one an addict.