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Dear Wendy

Is my girlfriend cheating on me?

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  • #896492 Reply

    We have been together for a few years now, but early on in the relationship she went on holiday with her friend and a few weeks after she got back I saw a message from her friend saying ‘are you going to tell him?’ To which she then replied ‘No, there’s no point hurting him over a silly mistake’ (or something like that, it was a while ago!)

    I then obviously questioned her about it but she told me that the message was just a joke and her friend was messing about. I obviously had my doubts but I trusted her.

    Fast forward a few years and she starts getting friendly to this guy in work, which I didn’t mind because she worked in a small group and they were all quite friendly with each other. Then out of nowhere they stop talking completely and both got different jobs. So I start thinking was there something going on? And then of course I start overthinking the message her fiend sent her years ago. So one night I looked through her messages (I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t take the overthinking) and there’s texts between her and her friend about this guy, things like ‘I feel like I’ve messed him about’ ‘there are worse things you could have done’ etc. I obviously then asked about all of this and what’s going on, and she tells me that he said that he loved her but nothing happened between them and she stopped talking to him, but obviously the messages don’t match up with the fact that he just said that he loved her e.g. ‘there’s worse things you could have done’ Anyway, call me gullible but I believed her. I know a lot of people reading this will think that I’m stupid and she’s obviously cheated on me, but we’ve been together for years and she just doesn’t seem like the type of person that would do that at all. we’ve talked about the future loads, we’re even saving for a house and everything but I can’t stop thinking about all of this. Also a side note. we were together the whole time she was in university (we still saw each other nearly every night) and she had the nickname ‘the bucking bronco’ and every time I asked about that she said she doesn’t know why her friends call her that.

    Am I just being gullible?

    #896497 Reply

    Yes, I think you’re gullible and she’s messing around. Obviously I can’t know that for sure, but sounds like it.

    #896533 Reply

    Did you ever ask her friends why she’s called that? I don’t think anyone gets a nickname like “bucking bronco” for innocuous reasons. And you clearly have seen evidence that certainly makes it seem like she’s cheated on you.

    What does a cheater seem like? Because “she doesn’t seem like the type” is just a bad thought process. Cheaters are usually pretty good at lying. Or not that good, as the case may be. But they don’t get away with it and keep their monogamous relationship if they aren’t good at lying.

    I would seriously reconsider buying a house with her and planning for the future. Have you ever asked her point blank if she cheated on you? Or brought up all these things together?

    You could try calmly asking her. I would maybe do some reading about body language and signs of lying. Not that is definite proof, but it’s something to be mindful of.

    For the record, I think based on the texts that she’s cheated on you.

    #896537 Reply

    If I were a betting person, yes, she definitely cheated on you at the beginning of the relationship to some degree and probably cheated on you again recently. To what degree is unclear. Maybe they just drunkenly made out. Maybe they’ve had an ongoing flirtation that went too far when he made his feelings known. You’re going to have to talk this out.

    You get to decide what happens here, even though you might not be able to prove it at this point. Is this something you can live with in your relationship? You’ll always have some amount of doubt in the future about her faithfulness.

    Personally, if she had been honest about what’s happened I’d be inclined to try to move past in some way, but since she seems to be deflecting at this point I would have a hard time moving forward.

    #896942 Reply

    If the OP doesn’t trust her, then either get out or go to couples counseling. Nothing this group of people can do other than jump to conclusions based on limited information.

    She probably had a little fling early in the relationship before the relationship was very serious and the fling was a holiday fling.

    She simply could have been friends with the second dude, and he got a raging crush and confessed to her. That has nothing to do with her – people get crushes.

    The snooping isn’t healthy btw.

    #896983 Reply

    At this point it doesn’t really even matter if she cheated. You don’t trust her. You’ve gone through her phone repeatedly over the years – a major violation of her trust and privacy. And what’s more, you felt the need to do that not after having conversations with her about your concerns but before, meaning you don’t trust her to tell you the truth when you talk to her. MOA. There’s zero trust and hasn’t been for years, so move on.

    #896984 Reply

    Also, the “overthinking” thing. You weren’t overthinking anything. You were under thinking. LW’s who have a good reason to believe their SOs are cheating on them always want to believe they’re just overthinking. You’re not. This is definitely how people act when they did something sketchy, had a little fling, have a back burner boyfriend, etc. I would know, I’ve done stuff like that in past relationships.

    But regardless, you cannot buy a home with or marry or otherwise legally tie yourself to someone with whom you have these kinds of trust issues.

    #896990 Reply

    LisforLeslie had the same thoughts as me.

    #897037 Reply

    Don’t buy a house with someone you don’t trust.

    #897151 Reply

    Yeahhh, agree that it doesn’t even really matter whether or not she did cheat because you don’t trust her and haven’t for a long time. That’s why you’re snooping. And you can’t stop thinking about it because you know things aren’t adding up — that’s your gut talking to you. Nobody can answer the question you asked, but I do think people know when something feels shady in their relationships. Sometimes we’ll try to minimize or rationalize it, which I’ve done before and you seem to be doing for years now. But I think you know something’s off. IMO it’s time to move on, but couple’s counseling could be a last ditch effort.

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