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- This topic has 8 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 2 days ago by
LisforLeslie.
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Dear WendyKeymasterFrom a LW:
“I’ve been in my first relationship with my amazing boyfriend for over 2.5 years. I love him so much, he makes so happy but I dont think he feels the intensity as I do. It all started around our first anniversary, I spent the summer away working at a youth camp and we had very limited communication but when the job finally finished, he seemed to be very happy to see me until a couple days later, he sits me down and tells me that he would like to pursue an Open relationship (not dating, just sex with other women) and that he’s been thinking about it for a while and said he waited all summer to talk in person bc he wanted to be honest. He assured me over and over again that it had nothing to do with me or our sex life, but that he wanted to have more “sexual experiences” before committing to a monogamous relationship. We even made up rules (condoms are a must. no emotions/friendships whatsoever. If he starts catching feelings, he must tell me). I foolishly agreed bc I just wanted him to be happy.
The next couple of months were really tense; I became jealous and distrustful of him, every time he went out I always wandered who he was with and I cried all the time. Eventually, I just stopped thinking about it. We don’t really talk about it and, sure we’ve had our fights, but I’m still happy with him and he tells he loves me every chance he gets.
Now two months ago, we got in a fight, I don’t remember about what and one thing led to another. He broke up with me over the phone and we were both devastated, I’ve never heard him so upset. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt. He asked to spend one more day with me, and when I showed up, we held each other and talked and cried some more. Eventually I asked why did he feel like he wanted to break up and he something along the lines of “having so much planned for himself in the future and not seeing where a relationship would fit into it.” I asked for clarification and he said someday in the future, he might not what a relationship. Eventually we came to the conclusion of “enjoying it while it lasts” and we got back together that same day and it’s been great ever since but…
Lately, I’ve been thinking more about that. This man was ready to end it all, to throw away everything he’s had with me, after everything I’ve tolerated for him, for some vague idea that I might not fit into his life 5-10 years from now. I don’t know if I can be with a man who pictures himself with money and success and a carefree lifestyle but doesn’t see me at his side, giving all the love support I’ve given him before. Isn’t that what it means to be in love? To picture a life you’ve always wanted and picturing the person you love at your side to share it with? To want them there with you, at all the low times and the highs? I’ve never been in love before but I know that’s what I want with him.
He tells me I’m his one and only, that he loves me so much…but then I remember how he wants to sleep with other women and I doubt it. I dont know what to do or how to explain all of this to him. I really need help sorting through these thoughts.”
Kate
KeymasterThis guy… He’s not what you think. It’s your first relationship and you don’t know, but he sucks.
You are absolutely correct that he was willing to throw everything away. He doesn’t see a future with you and you’re not in a monogamous relationship, but you’re giving him a no-strings “girlfriend experience” which he enjoys along with the opportunity to fuck whoever he wants, no questions asked. He’s got an ideal setup right now for a douchebag, and you’re letting him get away with it.
You need to break up with him. He will 1000% dump you at some point in the not too distant future after stringing you along and messing around with other women and likely not following your rules even. It’s going to be incredibly painful because probably what’s going to happen is he’s going to fall in love with someone else. Please dump him before that happens. You want a monogamous relationship with someone who’s excited about a future with you. This guy ain’t it.
Dear WendyKeymasterWhen someone tells you the truth about who they are, what they want, or what they’re looking for, you have to listen to them, even if it is painful and not what you want to hear. Your boyfriend has told you in multiple ways, he is not ready to commit to you the way you want. You should not settle for less than what you’re looking for. Right now, your desires are not a match, and I don’t foresee happiness for you if you continue staying I this relationship hoping it turns into the kind of commitment you want.
KeymasterI would be shocked if he wasn’t already messing around that summer you were away.
ron
GuestYour post makes clear that you don’t want a relationship on the terms which he has laid out. You were in an open relationship. Did you have sex with anyone else during that time? If not, then you don’t want an open relationship. MOA. You basically coaxed him to stay by agreeing to everything he wanted, even when you didn’t want that, and he still dumped you. Asking you to ‘just enjoy it while it lasts’ translates to he doesn’t expect it to last very long.
P.S. You are NOT in a relationship. This is very transactional from his side and he feels no commitment or strong attachment to you. If what you want is just a short-term fwb arrangement, then go for it. Otherwise…
Anonymousse
GuestHe absolutely was fucking around behind your back before he asked you for an open-for-him relationship. I agree with every single thing Kate and Wendy said.
Ron, some people are taught want to please those we love no matter what. Especially if we’re scared of those people leaving. Just because she agree to it doesn’t mean she likes it.
That’s why you’re having this disconnect. You know he wouldn’t have done that if he loved you. He wouldn’t want all these other women if he loved you. That’s why he could walk away and has said he will walk away. He will never love you the way you deserve.
I know you think this is who you want, but it is not. He sounds like a grade A douchebag. He’s lying to you everyday and he doesn’t even feel bad about it.
You really should get into therapy and figure out why you eagerly agreed to things you didn’t like to make him stay. That’s a really dangerous/vulnerable people pleasing aspect that people WILL take advantage of, and you will repeat until you figure out why you are drawn to that. Me, my dad abandoned me at 11. I had a lot of really shitty losers boyfriends.
Save yourself. Lose this loser and seriously, block his number. See a therapist or counselor. Stay away from him. He has no qualms using you despite knowing how deeply you feel for him. That’s how shitty he is.
GuestYouth camp worker…you can’t ask for a lifetime commitment at your young age, either. Only be in relationships with those who also want monogamy if that’s what you want.
GuestBe single for a long time and only add people in who inspire positive and good feelings deep inside.
LisforLeslie
GuestOh yeah, this is not going to work out in the end the way you want.
The two of you are absolutely positively going in opposite directions. What he’s said very clearly is that for him, you’re good enough for now. But he doesn’t see his future with you. He doesn’t see committing to you.
At this point you are holding yourself back from meeting someone who can actually commit to you and love you the way you want to be loved. Don’t waste your time on this jerk anymore. MOA. It’s going to hurt at first, but it will get better.
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