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Dear Wendy

Is she messing with me? Or is it something else?

Home Forums Advice & Chat Is she messing with me? Or is it something else?

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  • #1109419 Reply
    John Barry

    Hi everyone,

    I haven’t been in a relationship in several years so trying to figure this out is difficult for me, so some advice would be appreciated. I like this girl. She is super happy all the time, always smiling, and is really empathetic and kind. I just don’t understand how to read her.

    So here is my problem. About 6 months ago I moved into a new flat which was closer to work and college (I am working on my second degree). I didn’t know any of the flatmates. I found the place online through a site run by my college for Christians looking to flat together.

    There are four of us in the flat. One soon-to-be-engaged dude, two single women, and myself. The girl I am having trouble with is studying at the same campus I am so I see her a lot both during the day and at home. I find her attractive, but I am not sure if she feels the same way.

    Amy (not her real name) can be really flirty with me. You know the hair flipping thing and the giggling at things I say that aren’t all that funny type thing, but when my mates come round to visit me, I’ve noticed she can also be that way with them.

    I have offered to cook Amy dinner once, but she turned me down, saying she was off to visit family the next day and didn’t want to do it that night, so I left. A few weeks later some friends and I were making plans to go see a movie for my birthday, so I invited her to join; she said no as it would “stress her out”.

    So then the week of my Birthday (this week came). On my birthday, I show up early to campus before a lecture to have lunch with a guy visiting from another part of the country who was guest lecturing, and the next thing I know Amy is tapping me from behind on the shoulder to get my attention and what feels like half the campus is singing happy birthday to me; which I did not appreciate as I like to be kind of low key when I am on campus and the noise got a lot of attention. I mean the girl made me blush with embarrassment.

    I am a grown man, in my late twenties and she has me blushing like a 13-year-old schoolgirl. So naturally, when we were both alone together again, I tuned her out and all she did was lean on her bedroom door making cow eyes at me while we lost my toys and laughed about it. And as I stood there losing it I couldn’t even stay mad at her because as the interaction continued I started to think about her lips and what they would feel like against mine, which distracted me. So went to go hide in my cave (what I call my room).

    Then last night, made it clear to me that this lust is not my maleness just going out of control because she puts these ideas in my head.
    I was in the kitchen baking a lemon meringue pie while chatting to the other girl in the flat (who was eating her dinner) when Amy came in and told us that her Instagram had been hacked earlier in the day. This naturally started a conversation about social media and all the evils surrounding it. Eventually, leading to me bringing up Snapchat and how I don’t understand it. Amy then makes a comment that only I hear under her breath about Snapchat being for sexting (something I don’t understand either). Octavia having seen Amy’s lips move, but not having heard what she said asked Amy to repeat herself. Amy did… The next thing I am being told about is how she used to take nudes for her Ex and “tasteful pictures in her underwear”. Naturally, I was shocked.

    I don’t know what to do with this information or how to read her. Is it all in my head? or is she deliberately messing with me? If she is messing with me does that mean she is after something more as well? If it does how do I approach it? I really like where I am living as it is walking distance to everything, so I don’t want to have to move out over this, but I am super uncomfortable right now. Maybe this all shows a level of emotional immaturity within myself, I don’t know. I have never lived with a woman I was not related to before and the whole experience is confusing. Please help!

    #1109423 Reply

    “Maybe this all shows a level of emotional immaturity within myself, I don’t know.”


    Look, just because a woman smiles and laughs does not mean she has any interest in you, is messing with you, or anything about you at all. That is her personality. She’s a nice person who recognizes her friends’ birthdays. That’s it.

    You seem to think that just by existing, she’s tormenting you. Which is gross and sexist and misogynistic. There’s that evangelical “Christian” urge to police and control women and keep them in a box! Her sexual past has absolutely nothing to do with you. She’s your roommate. If you can’t handle someone giggling, singing happy birthday, and casually talking about taking boudoir pics in the past, then that’s 100% your problem and you need to move out.

    No, she’s not interested in you, and even if she was, the above is still true. She deserves to have friends, roommates, and partners who let her be herself and don’t get angry, shocked, confused, and out of control by her just being who she is.

    #1109424 Reply

    Let me try to say that in a nicer way.

    Amy sounds like a nice, lovely person who’s fun to be around. Try to appreciate her great qualities and remember that nothing she does is “at” you or about you. If you can’t get to that point, then you should move out and live alone or only with male roommates. This is a John problem, not an Amy problem.

    #1109425 Reply

    “ this lust is not my maleness just going out of control because she puts these ideas in my head.”

    Umm, what!? She is not putting these ideas in your head. This is alllll you. She’s not messing with you. She’s not flirting with you. She’s not interested in you. She’s just a woman coexisting with her randomly assigned roommates and I’ll bet you make her far more uncomfortable than she’s somehow making you.

    You’re on a campus full of people, right? Stop fixating on your roommate’s innocuous behavior and cultivate meaningful friendships. You may even find a relationship this way but your roommate isn’t it.

    #1109427 Reply

    I agree wholeheartedly with the above.

    She is putting nothing in your head. Your thoughts are your own.

    Move out and stop blaming someone else for your own lustful feelings, John Barry.

    #1109440 Reply
    John Barry

    Okay, clearly I am the one wrong here. I let my own anxieties and desires read too much into someone else’s existence.

    I am not just saying this based on your responses but also based on the fact Amy has been hiding out in her car playing loud music since the conversation a few nights ago. I hate that I have made her feel like she needs to hide.

    I have tried going outside once to talk to her about it. She just smiled and said she was enjoying the vibe in the car. So I left it and went back inside as it is raining. I didn’t expressly say I thought it was because of me or anything that narcissistic – which I do realize I am being about the whole situation – but I did ask if she was okay and if something had happened to upset her.

    I know enough about her to know that she significantly dislikes conflict and values harmony, which is probably why she is doing this. How do I let her know I will back off completely and that I am sorry for being a narcissistic prick without well using those rather blunt words? I want her to feel safe when at home as I also value harmony and her feeling like she isn’t, at least in some ethereal emotional capacity, makes me feel terrible.

    Should I ask the other girl in the flat to go check on her, to see if it is something else bothering her? My room is closest to the street parking so I think I am the only one who knows she is out there. Because I can hear the music and see her car from my room. I know the other girl has been wondering about her because she asked if I had seen her when I went into the kitchen this afternoon for lunch.

    #1109445 Reply

    “How do I let her know I will back off completely and that I am sorry for being a narcissistic prick without well using those rather blunt words?”

    Easy – by backing off completely and being sorry for being a narcissistic prick. Actually back off completely. Stop looking out the window at her. Stop checking on her and don’t ask other people to check on her. Leave her alone. Don’t talk to her other than “hi” or “good morning.” This is really really bad that you’ve made her afraid to come into her own house. You really should move out and only live with guys or alone.

    #1109449 Reply

    Seriously, the girl is HIDING FROM YOU IN HER CAR and you cannot pick up that pretty giagantic hint to leave her alone??

    Honestly, you are going about this entirely and completely in the wrong way. Back off completely, leave her alone and stop asking/talking/etc about her. Just focus on your school work and do not try to “clear the air” or “explain” or “apologize” right now. She clearly does not want that. She’s hiding in her car! Stop trying to make yourself feel better by talking it out, and actually try to make her feel better by backing off!

    You shouldn’t live with women, I think until you’ve learned how to navigate social situations better, you clearly have ingrained beliefs about women that affect your interactions with them.

    #1109454 Reply

    Eh, I think if she was hiding from LW, it’d not be in the driveway or anywhere he could see her. I used to like to listen to music alone in my car when I was younger and had roommates, it was the only place I could be alone and sing aloud without disturbing others. Just my opinion.

    But yeah, you need to leave her alone. Which means stop obsessing, stop assuming her every move is somehow tied to you, stop checking in on her or asking others to. Plenty of roommates coexist without being friends. I usually try to be nice when responding to comments, so I’m actually not trying to be mean when I say your thoughts and behavior are CREEPY.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Copa.
    #1109456 Reply

    True she could be out there for reasons that have nothing to do with you, though you were yelling at her recently and she did tell you that going out with you would stress her out. Regardless, do back off.

    #1109459 Reply

    Agree there could be other reasons she’s just vibing alone in her car, but you should proceed under the assumption that you’ve made her uncomfortable. If this is new behavior, it was probably triggered by something, and that something is probably you. There’s no way she hasn’t picked up on how much you’re lusting after her.

    I don’t know if it’s occurred to you, but it’s possible she might be being nice to you because she’s scared of you.

    #1109464 Reply

    I agree she could be continuing to be nice because that’s the way she’s learned to behave especially if she’s uncomfortable.

    Maybe she’s just vibing in the car, but headphones? IDK. If he thinks she’s been out there for days hiding from him I want to believe him but he does think it’s all about him, too so…

    As a woman who was once a young woman, please don’t say or do anything more. Yes, she may be afraid depending on her life’s experiences, which are much different than yours. Just give her the respectful space and distance she wants right now, okay? Focus on schoolwork and maybe look to moving out.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by anonymousse.
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