Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Is this as bad as I feel like it is?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Is this as bad as I feel like it is?

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  • #815294 Reply

    You said yourself these aren’t pleasant people. The shower was a waste of time. But you gave them a shot. Now just be civil and don’t go out of your way. They did you a favour really. Now feel no guilt in not giving any fucks. They want to see the baby? They can drive down for an hour and then drive back up. Or you can meet them at a restaurant and leave when the baby is fussy. They want you to fo something? All you have to say is “that doesn’t work for us.” Offer an alternative you are comfortable with and if it isn9t accepted then “may be next time”. Rinse. Repeat. Zero fucks to give. Seriously.

    #815340 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    @BGM, it’s so bad that I think that if the family had deliberately intended to vindictively throw the LW and her husband a shitty, no fucks given baby shower just to tell them “fuck you,” there would be some indication of underlying personal acrimony and tension, which the LW doesn’t really mention. More like they’re just disinterested “do the bare minimum because I guess we have to” people who know that they were “supposed” to throw a shower, but didn’t bother to plan the thing at all and scrambled at the last minute or, maybe, but unlikely, they are really, really clueless about baby showers. I can’t even imagine someone being so cunty that they’d do a shower this badly on purpose. But maybe I need a better imagination!

    #815344 Reply

    I just don’t think it’s personal. The mom sounds like she’s always been emotionally abusive or had a personality disorder or something, so it seems unlikely that this type of behavior is reserved for the LW, and they’re actually capable of throwing an amazing shower. If they have a problem with the LW, it seems like why even bother having a shower, vs. going to the trouble of having one, but deliberately making it as shitty as possible. And if it’s the latter, then that’s REALLY batshit and I’d be even less inclined to take it personally and more just like, “pray for them.”

    #815360 Reply

    @Kate – sometimes people do this because they want to keep up appearances. MIL is expecting a grandchild and so of course she wants all of her friends to know, maybe so they can celebrate the MIL. The SIL may have asked about food then demanded someone else get a cake -not passing on that information.

    I think it’s more “We have to do this because it’s expected but we’re doing the bare minimum because we don’t care about anyone except ourselves”.

    I think firestar had it right – at this point you and your husband have the control. You determine where and when you see them. And if that happens to be never… well sucks to be them.

    #815364 Reply

    Yeah, I stop trying at this point if I were the LW.

    #815366 Reply

    I think it was either deliberate or apathetic. If deliberate it showed them where they stand in the family. Not worth the effort. If apathetic they did it because they felt they would look bad if they didn’t have a shower but they really didn’t want to go to the effort so they had the most minimal shower possible. I lean toward deliberate because who serves alcohol as the only drink when they know the pregnant mother can’t drink. That seems pretty deliberate. Who considers a cake as their gift to their grandchild. Someone who wants to make a statement that this baby doesn’t count. Every one of those women has been to a baby shower. We all know that and we know that they know gifts are the entire point of it. Maybe it was both deliberate and apathetic.

    LW When they have shown you who they are you get to decide whether to include them in your lives. Why bother with these people. I wouldn’t drive three hours to go visit them. I would drive three hours to take the baby to meet them. I wouldn’t make any effort. I wouldn’t go for Christmas or other holidays. I’d stay at home and have a good holiday with my family. The good side of this is that you won’t feel guilty about not showing up the baby. You don’t need to feel any obligation to this family. You will need to consult with your husband because his wish is important in all of this. I do think that if he wants to take the baby to meet his family you don’t have to go along.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by SkyblossomSkyblossom.
    #815379 Reply

    If they could afford tequila and champagne for drinks, they they could have bought appropriate baby decorations (a balloon, garland, paper centerpiece, and appropriate paper plates and napkins would have been no more than $6.00 from the dollar tree).

    A rich cake can cost anywhere from $30-$50 (or more). They could have just as easily put out some crackers, cheese, fruit, and a veggie tray.

    This was all for MIL and her friends.

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