TrisDecember 23, 2022 at 2:49 am #1117289
I’ve recently grown close with an older married man (20 yrs older than me) at work. We text frequently and hung out once a week, getting drinks and watching movies. We’ve had deep conversations and really connected.
The last time we went out for drinks, he ended up holding my hand. We didn’t say anything abnormal. He even brought up his wife and kids in our conversation. I’m wondering if this counts as cheating. If he wasn’t married, I would definitely fall for him.
Yeah, you’re dating. I’d say right now he’s having an emotional affair that’s headed for physical. I consider this cheating, or at least very dangerous behavior on his part. If he’s your supervisor then he’s also risking blowing up his career. You really need to stop your part in this.AnonymousseDecember 23, 2022 at 9:16 am #1117295
Yes! You’re dating a married man from work. This is not going to end well. There are plenty of single people to date, outside of work whose imploding relationship won’t possibly affect your future reference and career. There is more than just this family that you’re hurting.
I understand doing something against the rules and taboo is exciting, but there are real world consequences to this. Get horned up role playing about this with a guy you’re not working with, who is also not married with children.LisforLeslieDecember 26, 2022 at 8:04 am #1117311
Yup, think of it this way: he’s spending time and emotional energy on you as a distraction from his existing marriage.
Every relationship has it’s own boundaries on what is or isn’t cheating. It’s possible that this guy might be in a non-monogamous relationship with his wife, but it’s unlikely. Most non-monogamous people would have been up-front about this by now. So ruling that out, I would personally say he is not cheating yet, but he’s headed that direction.
Time for a grown up conversation about what is happening here.
You’re having an emotional affair. Have you done anything wrong? No, you’re not the one in the relationship. But I don’t think you’re banging very wisely either. I’d cool it with the dates with the older married co-worker. And I do that that what he’s doing in undeniably wrong. He’s abusing the power dynamic he has with you (as an older man, and I’m going to guess as someone who hold a supervisory position in relation to yours in your work force, though maybe that’s not necessarily true; I’d be surprised though if you are actual work equals with a 20-year age gap). And, of course, he is likely being unfaithful to his wife and, at the very least, disrespecting the commitment he has to her by literally going on dates with a much younger female co-worker (yes, dates; you’re doing date-like activities like going to movies and getting drinks and he’s being physically affectionate on those dates; his talking about his wife doesn’t negate that these are dates).