Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Is this wrong?

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  • #890632 Reply
    avatarCurious
    Guest

    Hi All,

    So a few years ago one of my Best friends liked this guy (Name him J) who didn’t like her back. by the end of the year she had moved on. Now she has a boyfriend but the problem is that I now like J. Would it be morally wrong to get with J knowing that she really liked him a while back? Would that make me a bad best friend?

    Thanks,
    Curious

    #890636 Reply
    Prognosti-gatorPrognosti-gator
    Participant

    Is it “wrong”: no.

    Could it affect your relationship with your friend even if a bunch of internet strangers say it isn’t wrong: yes.

    This is one of those “tread carefully” situations. You could feel you’re totally in the right, but it doesn’t mean it may not blow up a friendship. Should it, no, but that doesn’t mean it won’t. Only you really know your friend and how she’d take it and whether or not it’s worth it to you.

    #890640 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    I agree with Prognosti-gator. This guy is not off-limit. Nobody owns a past flame. But before considering it seriously, I would ask myself the question: do I like him really for himself, or because my friend liked him? You know the pattern, desire is often a triangulation. Anyway, I wouldn’t ask my friend about it: if you are about to date him, make your choice yourself. And I wouldn’t pursue him actively. There are probably other men where you live, or is there only 2?

    #890650 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    No problem at all in getting together with J. She had an unrequited crush, that doesn’t provide any ownership rights. She has a bf. If she objects, then she is both a lousy friend and a lousy gf. I see no reason to ask LW to consider whether she actually likes J for himself, or because her friend liked her. That’s really insulting to LW.

    #890662 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    No, this is not morally wrong. If it causes a problem with your friend, that’s on her.

    #890670 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Calling dibs on people is immature and unfair. Don’t date the guy your sister divorced after 25 years of marriage, sure, but don’t feel guilty for pursuing some dude your friend liked for a second. If it blows up the friendship, better to learn now that she’s unreasonable

    #890679 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    @ron: insulting to the LW? Not at all. I was referring to the famous works of René Girard, who are now classic in humanities, psychology, anthropology, sociology, and not only about romance: desire is mimetic. We desire what the other desires: it works as a triangle. LW’s situation is thus frequent. I think that the best friend will ask herself that question, if the LW ends up dating J. But it doesn’t mean that it is wrong, or that the friend won’t accept it eventually. It might bite her heart a little, but if the LW is serious about her attraction, then why not? I would pause and reflect on it, then choose and act according to my own gut.
    Personally, this situation never happened to me. Either I like my friends’ partners, because they are good to them and good men in general, or I wonder why my friends like them. Never been attracted to a best friend’s object of affection.

    #890688 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    It was a crush a few years ago. I say you should be fine, but you know your friend best. The real question is…does he like you?

    #890691 Reply
    avatarTess
    Guest

    I think that if your friend no longer likes J there’s nothing wrong with going out with him. If your friend is a good friend she will most likely support you.

    #890709 Reply
    avatarmellanthe
    Participant

    You know your friend.

    If it’s a recent relationship or you know your friend felt deeply about someone, then it’d be hard to get with them and not have it affect your friendship. Sometimes even with exes, it doesn’t affect things, but I’d treat carefully here, because a friendship you value is worth more than where some crush might lead.

    But if it was a vague crush on her part and they are over it now, then I can’t see the problem. She’s happily dating now, and some crush she had briefly might mean very little.

    I wouldn’t say it’s about ‘calling dibs’ – rather that if you now there’s serious feelings there on your friend’s part it’d make it hard for her to be involved in your life with that person being a big part of it.

    If you’re not really sure I guess you could try to feel out how she feels now.

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