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Dear Wendy

Issue with my boyfriends family & friends

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  • This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarron.
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  • #963599 Reply

    I need some advice. I’ve never really felt comfortable around my boyfriends family. Things got worse when a couple of years ago I got into a court battle with ONE of their family members over some money he borrowed from me. Safe to say it was messy and even though people said they wouldn’t choose sides, they did. They’re a super tight knit group so obviously I was pushed to the side. This made things hard for my boyfriend, but he agreed with me and stuck by me. His family did some shady things and even he cut ties with a few them. Now, he tells me he’s glad that what happened, happened because it showed him what type of people they were and who he can really trust. BUT he still sees part of his family (who had nothing to do with the issue). But this sucks because the family he still sees are even closer to the family we no longer speak to. So it makes things difficult. I usually don’t show up to any events but I’d like to be a part of them- I just don’t feel comfortable and SO unwelcomed. Like it is MY fault the family is broken. My boyfriend attends family events on his own but I get anxious when he does, I’m constantly wondering if the people I had conflicts with are there and if they’re taking bad about me. I also think, why is my boyfriend putting up with having to see these people who we both agree we don’t want to see- which I find disrespectful towards me like a betrayal. He says he has to put up with them out of necessity, otherwise he’ll lose all of his family. I just wish we didn’t ever have to see ANY of them- that they would disappear from our lives. We’ve been together for 5 years and this isn’t something that will change, his family will always be around and I just don’t know if I should just leave because I hate having to deal with this.

    Lastly, I had some issues with his friends, one drunken night I got into an argument with them- now they all think I’m horrible, which is not fair. We’ve all had those nights- they even have, but I got no break. Once again, they’re a tight knit group and I got pushed out. Anyways, now I get this feeling that I don’t want him to be their friends either. I feel like I’m an awful person who has taken all of the people he cares about out of his life, which is not what I want. But I get so anxious if he’s going to see them and I can’t go anymore because it’s awkward and weird (I feel like an outsider). I also feel like our whole dynamic is screwed up. And I have apologized to his friends, they made it seem like it was fine but then I found out they said awful things about me.

    What should I do? Leave him cause our situation isn’t healthy? He has to have his family and friends around but I don’t know how I can get over everything and be around for it.

    #963602 Reply
    avatarAndrea Letsen

    I think you should leave him because you clearly have a need to control him and who he interacts with. His relationship with his family is HIS decision, not yours. He has already cut out the people who upset you (to the best extent that he can). That should be enough. It is difficult to say whether they were bad people or not without hearing their side of your feud with them, but there are always two sides to every story so I imagine they would have some pretty telling things to say about you.

    On top of wanting him to cut off ALL his family for you (even people who haven’t done anything wrong), you now want him to cut off ALL of his friends. You have some serious insecurities that need addressing. You are on the path of trying to isolate your boyfriend just so the POSSIBILITY that someone might talk bad about you doesn’t occur. So what if you are talked about negatively to your boyfriend??? If that is enough to make him want to leave you, why do you want to be with him??? His affection for you cannot be that deep if that’s all it would take. Gain some self respect.

    Isolating your boyfriend is not going to solidify your relationship. It is not going to make him want you more, or ‘finally see the light’ in how awful ALL the people in his life are. It will do nothing but lead to resentment, bitterness and most likely the end of the relationship – or an otherwise extremely unhappy relationship.

    I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and your own behaviour. The common denominator in ALL of these situations is YOU. I find it very difficult to believe that you hold no ownership in the problems that have arisen between you and literally everyone in his life.

    I would seek therapy for your insecurities and would strongly recommend leaving this relationship – at least until you have sorted yourself out. Wanting your partner to not have contact with his family or friends is a sure sign you are not ready to be in a relationship right now.

    #963605 Reply

    Andrea said it well, so I’ll just add: this is very unhealthy behavior, and your impulse to separate him from all of the people who care about him is deeply wrong. You need professional help before that insecurity really hurts someone – it sounds like it already has.

    I cannot imagine how much money that relative had to take from you to warrant taking them to court – what were the circumstances there?

    #963606 Reply

    Well, you expect your boyfriend to cut off his family because they are estranged from you? You are free not to meet them, but you can’t expect him to do so as well. It is really tough to be isolated away of your folks. You didn’t quote grave stuff that would justify such a drastic move. Just a conflict about money – a next time, don’t lend money if you can’t afford to lose it.
    You lost me when you said that you also got in a drunken fight with one of his friends… If they all think that you behave in a horrible manner … you do.
    You speak like a control freak about your gentle boyfriend. Do check yourself into therapy because you need it.

    #963607 Reply

    Yes, break up with him. And also get therapy for yourself. I do find it telling that you’ve managed to feud with people who are close to him. I truly can’t comprehend it.

    And no, you can’t ask your boyfriend to give everyone he’s close to up for you.

    #963608 Reply

    I agree that your desire to cut him off from his family -ALL of his family, not just the one person you took to court over money (how much money? What happened?) is really controlling and a sign of abuse. Really. This is seriously disturbing.

    But it’s good you have the ability to see how troubling this is and write in for advice.

    That you now also want to cut him off from all of his friends because you got into a drunken argument with them is very troubling.

    You need to see a therapist. This is not an issue that will go away on it’s own. You need to speak with a professional and get to the root of why this keeps happening. I have a feeling there is much more to the story that you aren’t telling.

    Please stop isolating him from the people that care about him. If you can’t shake that desire, you should break up with him and fully commit to improving yourself- with a therapist- before you even think about another relationship.

    #963609 Reply

    When you leave out key details, it makes others wonder what went on. How much money did the family member borrow and for how long? What were the circumstances?
    What happened on that drunken night? Was the argument physical? Did you say things to his friends?

    #963611 Reply

    The best interpretation here is that you two are not a match. A worse interpretation is that you’re a huge shit-stirrer and/or very controlling and trying to isolate your partner from friends and family. Yes, you should break up, and really examine your behavior and motives.

    #963614 Reply

    If you can’t stand virtually everybody he cares about, then I suspect that you and he aren’t as good a match as you think. Family is a group you are dropped into at birth, but friends are chosen and these are the people he chose. I agree that you seem controlling. Not saying you are an abuser, but you do know that an abuser’s critical move is to isolate their SO from friends and family so that it is just the core two and the abuser must be the dominant one. That you seriously expect him to cut ties with everyone says you have to be the dominant one. So do your multiple feuds. And, why in the world would you lend money to a member of your bf’s family? That is not at all normal dating behavior. Suing that person is, of course, going to be taken as an insult by the family, because it is such a public thing. Don’t lend to family more than you can afford to write off with a smile, and this wasn’t even your family as you haven’t yet, and probably never will the way things are going, married into it. A ton of bad decisions on your part. MOA and do better next time.

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