- This topic has 14 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 months, 3 weeks ago by SL.
From a LW:
“I am going on 34-years-old and it seems as though my boyfriend does not understand the concept of what is in an hourglass. Next month will be ten years of us knowing each other, loving him…having the most complexities and unorthodox relationship of anyone I have ever known. Everyone around me has children, married, and I find myself pulling away from him even though I have been asking for the last 2 years when we’re going to get married. Every year that goes by is more unbearable and I feel as though I am becoming cynical.
We live together, have a dog, and we have a house. We have gone ring shopping, but his ability to follow through is simply disappointing. We were supposed to get engaged last year, but after we came from a holiday I discovered that after a night at the office, he had gone to a strip club alone, lied to me and when I confronted him he admitted it and threw out every ‘sorry’ in the book. Now, I have come to a fork in the road where even if he gave me a ring tomorrow I might resent all of those years of ” doing things on his terms.”
Lately, I have sadly become negative, uncaring, and cold to him. I truly love him with all my heart, but the amount of time I have invested in him, and making so many sacrifices for him are making me think…. is this love? I find myself thinking while I see younger people than me having their happily ever after becoming to see the world with less color in it and the life I have I feel as though would I regret even when he does ask me? Will that daily resentment still be there and how do I get over it and if I get a ring will it be enough to swallow my pride and marry someone who for years ‘wanted their cake and wanted to eat it too.'”peggyMarch 14, 2023 at 4:01 pm #1119162
Your whole post says you are hurt,anger,dispirited and not hopeful of change or a good future. I think you would be relieved ( more than you know even) and realize you can look forward to/find a better partner,a better life. Let him go,break up,move on.
If you do,he may try to butter you up,make more promises but they will be empty and untrustworthy and I think you know it. Best wishes.ronMarch 14, 2023 at 4:29 pm #1119163
He fully understands the concept of what’s in an hourglass. He doesn’t want to marry you. Perhaps he doesn’t want children and is running out that clock. Whatever, after 2 years of serious discussion and aborted ring shopping, it seems clear he’ll never marry you. If that’s important to you, MOA. You are being strung along and he has been at least semi-cheating on you.
I don’t think he wants to marry you, but more importantly, I don’t think you want to marry him! You say yourself that you’ve been pulling away for years and are cold, negative, and resentful. Not to mention, you know he lies to you. This is the relationship version of the sunk cost fallacy. You don’t need to marry this guy just because you’ve invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship.AnonymousseMarch 14, 2023 at 9:45 pm #1119166
I’m so sorry, but he does not want to be married with you. That’s the truth if it. Why you big can’t speak honestly together is a mystery. Why you stay despite his hesitancy and your own bitterness towards him is another mystery. It seems like his has run its course, maybe two years ago?
Is your name on the house? Did you pay 50/50? What about the dog? I was in a similar situation except we only made it four years before I figured out we were not meant to be. Splitting the house, dogs and cats were difficult but it didn’t kill me. I’ve done many, many harder things. And then after that, I met the BEST guy. We got married and have been together 13 years.
Leave him. He’s never going to propose. If he does as you’re leaving, it’s a Hail Mary pass and should be ignored.
You shouldn’t ever spend years trying to convince someone to commit to you. I’m so sorry. Be free and get into your bad bitch era.LisforLeslieMarch 15, 2023 at 9:45 am #1119176
Look up Sunk Cost Fallacy.
You’ve been together 10 years. You don’t trust him or have any faith that he’s looking out for your interests. Staying with him only tells him that this is acceptable to you. And if the only motivation for him is he does this one thing or you leave… is that good enough? How many times can you pull that before he realizes you’re not serious?
Be with someone who wants to make you happy. Right now it seems his only motivation is not making you mad. that’s not good enough.
Also meant to add: Stop comparing yourself to younger people you see “having their happily ever after.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that there are plenty of people in lousy relationships that look “perfect” from the outside. One of my friends who is now divorced was married for four years. From a distance, things looked great. She had a handsome, educated, high-earning husband; they moved abroad together; they went on lavish vacations together. They were miserable — they fought constantly! they separated multiple times in four years! — but only the few of us she was confiding in knew how bad it was. Heck, I’m sure there are probably people who look at your long-term, live-in relationship and think you’re living your happily ever after.AnonymousseMarch 15, 2023 at 7:48 pm #1119179
I don’t think everyone else is living their happier ever after, but- YOU know for sure that you are not. You’re not going to get there, not with him.
Reread your letter. You’re not happy, you’re not in a happy relationship, but you want the lifetime commitment, why?
It’s not a box to be checked. If you really want love, really love- you need to move on ASAP and stop sinking more time in with someone who doesn’t seem to make you happy.WIMarch 16, 2023 at 11:33 pm #1119189
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LW – I have been where you are. It was seven years, and we did, finally, get engaged. But then planning the wedding was hard — too hard. And, I knew that having kids would have been hard because every decision was a battle. The reality was that while there was much love there, something was wrong and deep down we both knew it. I was living his life, waiting for him to make any and all decisions and just hoping he would be excited about something in OUR life. I was in my early 30s at the time too. Four months before the wedding I called it off. He wouldn’t agree to send the Save the Dates — which were already late! It was one of the hardest, most rewarding things I have ever done. It will be incredibly painful, but you will rebuild.
It has been four and half years since then. I spent the first two years dating and focused on my career — it was SO MUCH FUN. Then I met the love of my life and within 6 months we moved in, a year engaged and then a year after that, we were married. I NEVER had to wait for him, I was always a “hell yes” to him, not a maybe AND I love him in a way that is unexplainable. Yes, there will be hard times, but the right person works with you, not against you. It will be hard, but on the other side is something so much better for you.ANMarch 17, 2023 at 11:32 am #1119196