- This topic has 4 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 9 months, 1 week ago by LM.
From a LW:
I met my partner, “Don,” in Summer, 2020 and we are still together today. We moved in together in Fall, 2020. He is a really good man who shows his feelings and love for me. I was married for 32 years before I divorced and dated a few men so I knew in my heart that Don is special. In Fall, 2022, his divorce finally got finalized. His wife didn’t want him and told him to leave. However, his ex has been bad-mouthing me to the kids (now 13 & 14). They found out about me in May, 2021, and it was a bad experience for them and Don, especially the way the kids found out.
Fast forward and the kids still don’t want to meet me. We agreed that we don’t want to force the kids. Don believes the mom manipulated the kids about seeing me even the kids told their father that they are happy for him. What is really bothering me is that my partner met all my family and most of my friends and I still haven’t met his kids or any of his friends, who also live quite a distance away. (My kids – 24 and 28 – love him.). I saw his mom numerous times on chat video and his sister once on chat video. They live out of state.
When I asked about meeting his friends, he said they are not ready. It will be three years in June that Don and I have been together. He sees his kids every weekend and is with me from Monday to Saturday. He is flexible and will do things with me even if we are invited to certain events on Saturday night or Sunday. He also talks to kids twice a day, every day. He is a devoted dad. I actually told him that he is to put his kids first when we started dating and he appreciated my understanding.
The longer we are together the more I wanted to meet someone from his side! I really don’t know what to make of this. My question is – should we wait till the kids are ready to meet me? They may never be. I suggested a short meeting at park with a picnic. Please tell me your thought and how we can encourage the kids to meet me without forcing them. The problem is the mother – she did admitted that she didn’t want me to replace her. I have no intention or interest to do that as I have my own kids. — Desperate to Meet His KidsMiss MJFebruary 28, 2023 at 9:20 am #1118804
Take a step back and look at this from his kids’ perspective.
Three years ago, when they were 10 and 11, a global pandemic hit that threw their lives into chaos. Lockdowns, online school, loss of in person contact, possibly knowing people who got sick or even died from a deadly disease. Definitely fear that someone they loved would.
In the middle of that, their dad meets and moves in with you in a matter of months. He hides that from them for, what – nearly a year? And their parents get a divorce. More chaos and uncertainty.
Right or wrong, they likely blame you as The Other Woman who is responsible for the divorce and the tangible reason for all of the turmoil in their lives.
If you’ve been paying attention to the news at all, you’ll see that teens are NOT OKAY right now and your boyfriend is absolutely correct to not force a relationship with you on his kids. He sounds like he’s being a good dad – spending time with his kids, meeting them where they are and trying to be a source of support and stability during a hard time in their lives.
And while it may sting that they don’t want anything to do with you right now, the only thing you’ll accomplish be trying to force it is more anger and resentment. So take a big old step back here and enjoy your relationship as it is. His kids know about you. Obviously. And when they want to meet you, they’ll let their dad know. This is not your relationship to control.
Also, stop trashing these kids’ mother. Blaming her for them not wanting to meet you isn’t helping your cause in the slightest.
Also, also, you’ve met his family via video chat. During a pandemic. That may well be all they’ve been willing to do since some folks do still care about getting Covid. Same for his long distance friends. Lots of things got weird during the pandemic and it’s not all back to normal. Just…slow your roll here.
Yep, I agree with everything Miss MJ said. To be frank, you’re lucky his kids don’t actively hate you – or, at least, it’s not communicated to you that they hate you – after their father left them for you. How can you not see it from their perspective? Their dad met you while still married to their mom and living with all of them and within months, he left them and moved in with you (during a 6-month time period when kids couldn’t even go to school, somehow their dad managed to meet someone, fall in love, and blow up his family’s life; almost impressive). They deserve allll the time they need to process your existence and your role in the upheaval of their lives. If you need their acceptance of you in order to feel your boyfriend’s commitment to you, maybe you shouldn’t have moved in with him until you could get that. Same with the friends (especially if they are also friends with your boyfriend’s ex-wife, whom he left for you).
Perhaps I misunderstood your letter and your boyfriend’s marriage was already over before he met you and he had already moved out, but reading between the lines, it doesn’t seem that that’s the case. Please correct me if I’m wrong. Though my advice was essentially be the same: let the kids have all the time they need to be ok with meeting you. Pushing this before they’re ready will backfire.LMMarch 6, 2023 at 2:01 pm #1119010
Hi , I am responding back about “Don”. His marriage was already over and his ex told him to move out. He was in process of looking for an apartment,,,, then the COVID hit. So he stayed with them. We met through match.com. I was living with my sister at that time after the divorce . After few months, I had to find a place of my own as my one year with my sister was up. “ Don” told me that we should live together and look for a place together. So I agreed. It was all his idea ,,, I had nothing to do with it or break up his family. I have been very patient with him and his kids. No anger just being concerned . Good news!!! He told me last weekend, his ex told Don that he can have the kids for two weeks for vacation and gave permission for kids to meet me!!! It is finally happening now. We are thrilled!