Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

It’s just a cake?

Home Forums Advice & Chat It’s just a cake?

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  • #1101432 Reply

    My boyfriend an I have been together 10+ years. Every year for my birthday I ask for a red velvet cake and he gets every other flavor then the one I asked for. I don’t feel like I can complain without being an arsehole but I don’t feel like I’m asking for much. I just want my favourite cake on my birthday and iv asked for the same cake for 15 years and never got it. This year he got me lemon and I hate lemon. Am I awful for being upset?

    #1101433 Reply

    If you’ve been together for 10+ years, you should be able to say “babe I’ll pick out the perfect cake I want & you take care of”….whatever makes him feel included & helpful. He’s not going to buy the red velvet cake so losing that expectation will make your bday happier. Some gift givers love to suprise the recipient. He might think you enjoy the suprise. Or he’s completely clueless to your wants. That would bleed over to other situations. Only you know of he’s trying his best or doesn’t care. Gift giving is super important to some people, but not so much to others. If this was the only annoying hang-up I’d just take over buying my own cake. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. He’s an amazing man and the love of my life, but there are a few small quirks that I shrugg off. And he does the same for me

    #1101436 Reply

    Get your own red velvet cake and only eat that, it’s his fault if the cake he buys is wasted. Does he ignore your wishes in other parts of your life too, or is it just this one (weird) thing?

    #1101443 Reply

    I agree, if it’s just this one weird thing, then order your own cake and don’t worry about it. But if this birthday thing is just the icing on the cake, then you need to deal with that instead of focusing in on small things.

    Do you want to be married? Do you want more, or different than you’re getting?

    #1101446 Reply

    I don’t think you’re awful but I’m wondering why you’ve been with a dude for 15+ years who can’t even remember what kind of cake you like. If he’s otherwise a great partner, try to remember he’s a birthday idiot and forgive him. If he’s not a great partner and can’t be arsed to do small things for you without handholding, then…consider what you want and what he can give you.

    It really doesn’t take much care to buy the correct kind of food for someone you care for. That’s not asking for too much, although it might be too much for him to do. You’re not awful for wanting the cake you want on your birthday, but I’m not sure if you should ever count on him getting it for you.

    #1101447 Reply
    Avatar photoPrognosti-gator

    I’m kind of curious why after 10 years you don’t feel comfortable enough having the conversation with him.

    Sometime other than when you’ve just been given the cake (so that it doesn’t appear to be a direct criticism in the moment) say “Just curious. Every year I ask for a red velvet cake, but you get a different flavor. Is there some reason you don’t want me to have red velvet?”

    Maybe he hates red velvet (though, I would still get my SO the cake they want, even if it meant I got something different for me) and just wants to enjoy it with you. Maybe he’s clueless and doesn’t know red velvet is a flavor and doesn’t know how to parse your request. Maybe he’s just passive aggressive and purposefully buys you the cake HE wants because he doesn’t care. I have no way of knowing, but after 10 years it seems like you should be able to ask.

    #1101448 Reply

    Hi. I do not think it is “just a cake”. It would be reasonable if he forgot once or twice, or the store ran out of that flavour one time etc. This is a pattern where it seems he is deliberately going against your requests.
    Do you say anything when you get the “wrong” cake? Do you remind him before your birthday? If you have talked to him about it and he still does this,he is a clueless ass. Only you can decide what to do about it,or do about him.

    #1101449 Reply
    Avatar photoBittergaymark

    Eh, maybe like me he simply thinks red velvet cake is vomitlicious. It looks rather like raw meat and tastes like third rate chocolate. ?

    #1101450 Reply
    Avatar photoBittergaymark

    But then… I’ve also never told people flat out what cake to buy me for my birthday. Honestly? That would simply never occur to me. I was always just happy to get a cake. ?

    #1101451 Reply

    “I’m kind of curious why after 10 years you don’t feel comfortable enough having the conversation with him.”

    It sounds like she views it as THE test. To have a detailed discussion or timely reminder would be giving away the answer sheet.

    #1101460 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy

    Hi, I’m still having some tech issues (and have been on vacation and not able to give them the attention they need), and some replies were deleted from this thread when I had to restore the site to a backup from early this morning. Sorry for the inconvenience! I do have screen grabs of the comments that I can post later (I’m currently sitting at ohare, where my flight home was cancelled and WiFi is spotty…)

    #1101462 Reply
    Avatar photoBittergaymark

    I still think he might just hate red velvet cake. (Google it: lots of people HATE red velvet cake. There’s even a podcast!!) And so, LW, I’d simply ask him — “What’s up? Why won’t you just buy me a red velvet cake?”

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