January 4, 2022 at 6:08 pm #1101544CopaParticipant
Sooo years ago, when a coworker I was friends with started dating her now-husband, she noticed she was let down every time he got her a gift but no card. Some people might find this silly, but she likes cards. So she told him how she felt and he started getting her a card on gift-giving occasions. You can do the same or similar — just have a conversation about it, it doesn’t have to be a bit thing.
I can’t really tell from what’s written if LW mentioned once or twice that she likes red velvet or if every year she specifically says she’d like a red velvet cake for her birthday and he gets anything else. I interpreted it as the latter, which I do find quite odd and I’m not even someone who thinks bdays are wildly special.January 4, 2022 at 7:57 pm #1101547
She did write she asks for it every year, and that every year he gets everything but. If we’re going to analyze the few sentences most people write in with I think we need to take the straight up facts as they are presented unless we get more a more detailed follow up later. I did not mean this as a response to yours, Copa. It’s not meant that way. It’s a response to the entire thread.
Like another comment someone else wrote, this isn’t a “test” she’s giving him to fail and he’s failing. She wrote she asks for it every year. Like why are we questioning her and accusing her of playing a rigged game that he can’t win?
She (I think) is a people pleaser who is afraid of seeming even slightly ungrateful because she’s been taught as many women have to never ever to seem ungrateful because it’s rude. Or have learned in worse ways, like bad relationships.
I’m really tired of bashing apart women who are uncertain of themselves, especially from the men on this site. It’s pretty common for women and abused women to have little to no confidence. A lot of us are literally brought up that way or have gone through hell and cannot tell if the reasonable thing they want is okay or if it is crazy to want the cake she likes on her birthday. Telling her she’s wrong for wanting what she likes and asking for it on her birthday is terrible advice.
This is an advice site, and it’s about relationships and it’s mostly a lot of women who seek advice about theirs. Sometimes men, but mostly ladies. If you think women just play games with their partners or that they are just disgusting as a whole, I question why you want to give women advice, if you do, or if you’re just here to be mean to strangers.January 4, 2022 at 8:07 pm #1101548KateKeymaster
“ No one is a jerk for asking their partner of 15+ years for the cake they like for their birthday!”
Or entitled, or lucky to have a man.
Needs to communicate better, yes.January 4, 2022 at 8:15 pm #1101549
Thanks Kate. I edited that a bunch and took that out.
And I know I could step away but I actually like talking to the women here and I don’t want to, I just want the assholery to stop.January 4, 2022 at 8:39 pm #1101550CopaParticipant
Yes, I did see the comment about how she was testing him days ago when I was skimming this and disagreed. I only reread the original post before commenting just now, so didn’t know it had been deleted, but that comment made me realize my interpretation was different from how others read what was written.
Either way, I don’t feel like she should have to buy herself her own birthday cake because it shouldn’t be a big deal to buy or make the flavor cake she’s asking for. But, LW won’t know what’s up with him until she talks to him.January 4, 2022 at 8:47 pm #1101551
I didn’t want you to think your comment set me off.January 5, 2022 at 7:46 am #1101555AllornoneGuest
It doesn’t matter what he (or Mark) thinks about red velvet cake. It’s HER birthday. Just get her the cake she wants.
My boyfriend is basically a carnivore. While not a vegetarian or anything, I don’t really care about meat. His birthday? We go to an expensive Brazilian steakhouse that he loves. I don’t particularly care for the food and would probably enjoy fast food more, but it doesn’t matter, because it’s his effing birthday. He’ll take me out to a nice Italian place when it’s mine.
OP, you should be able to bring it up, though. Just say something to the effect of “I noticed that when I ask for red velvet cake on my birthday, you seem to get every flavor but. What’s up with that? I don’t mean to sound ungrateful and I love that you buy me any cake at all, but it would mean a lot to me if you got the one I prefer.” And if he still doesn’t get you the right cake, eh, like others have commented, buy yourself a cake (or cupcake) and let it go. If this is an example of other insensitive behavior, then maybe look for bigger red flags, but on its own, while weird, it’s not a hill to let a relationship die on.January 5, 2022 at 8:58 am #1101556Prognosti-gatorParticipant
This isn’t about cake. It was never about cake. It’s about being heard. LW doesn’t feel like BF listens to her.
Which brings me back to my original comment “I’m kind of curious why after 10 years you don’t feel comfortable enough having the conversation with him.”
Are there other problems with the relationship that make you feel like you can’t have this (seemingly low stakes) conversation about your needs? I feel like that’s the bigger question.January 5, 2022 at 9:30 am #1101558LisforLeslieGuest
@Prognosticator hits the nail on the head. I suspect this is one of many conversations in which the OP makes a statement that is absolutely ignored for the BFs preference. On one’s birthday, the birthday person’s preference should win out (within reason of course). I’m sure the conversation goes something in which the OP states a preference the BF counters it and says something along the lines of “but if you really loved me you’d go with my preference to make me happy”.
My dad would pull this with my step mother. If you tried to use the above argument to get what you wanted…the counter to the argument above is “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do/eat/whatever something that I don’t like and you know how I hate red velvet” The two would come out in the same argument. If you love me enough, do what I like and don’t make me do what I don’t like. Eventually you reach a stalemate and you know if you go with your preference you’re in for a sulking pouting adult who mutters something about the other choice being better. So you “compromise” to keep peace. After a while it really fucks with your sense of self.January 5, 2022 at 9:38 am #1101562Dear WendyKeymaster
Just want you all to know that I’ve blocked BGM’s IP addresses so that he has a forced break since he didn’t take the long break I asked him to. If he continues accessing the site from different IP addresses, I will continue adding them to the block list. Mark, if you’re able to log in from a different IP address and see this, know that yes, the ban is deliberate. You’ve been warned and you ignored the warning. While men are welcome here, this site is primarily for women and it needs to feel like a safe place for them to express themselves and to share with each other. You have compromised that safety too many times for me to continue giving you access here.
Ok, carry on.January 5, 2022 at 10:52 am #1101566
I felt compelled to come back and say that I didn’t mean to alienate the men folk, non binary or anyone else with my comments above, I enjoy the community here and our differing perspectives.January 5, 2022 at 2:46 pm #1101571KateKeymaster
No, people of any gender are welcome to comment here as long as they follow the forum rules. I love men, but I don’t love insults, personal attacks, and refusal to comply with basic rules of civility.