- This topic has 40 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 9 months, 3 weeks ago by Kipiani.
July 28, 2021 at 11:51 pm #1095947TinaGuest
Here is my situation. My husband gained a female friend two years ago. That came with a whole lot of issues but we’ve made it work even though it’s been really challenging. I don’t have any sort of relationship with this woman. I don’t care for her at all.
Most recently he made plans with her for the four of us (she has a partner too) to spend time at his families ocean home and meet them for the first time. The timing is awful as I am going to be traveling for work four days before that and it’s just a really exhausting and hectic day. I asked if there was anyway that we could change the date to another time or if we could make alternative plans for that day with then. I feel like I have to be in a very good headspace to interact with her and especially with her meeting his family for the first time. Its an awkward and challenging situation. His parents don’t even really know who she is.
He is not willing to compromise. He said that I didn’t have to go – but I know this makes me look very antisocial. There’s been many times he’s made plans with her without checking with me first and when it doesn’t work for me he doesn’t budge.
I’ve argued it to death alternatives, compromises, suggestions. This day is just not going to work for me, but he’s not going to change plans. Should I stay strong and not go to take care of myself even though I will look antisocial?? I know it’s going to be so hard that she’s meeting his family without me there. It makes me cringe. Or do I suck it up and compromise for him and just go regardless of how exhausted and in a bad head space I will be?
P.s. I so badly wish his parents knew the whole situation. How much this “female friend” has messed with our marriage, and has caused so much conflict these past few years. They have no idea. And I could never tell them because they like to avoid talking about problems. His parents love me to pieces, and have known me for so many years – I know it would be so upsetting to them if they knew the whole picture. So I’ll have to fake a smile and pretend it’s all good when they meet her. But they don’t so they are going into this blind sighted!July 29, 2021 at 4:39 am #1095960
Tina, thank you for using a consistent name for once and being relatively transparent.
Look, you say you’ve made this work, but you continue to be sick with stress about the situation. Making it work seems to mean going along with whatever your husband does, and staying married at all costs. It doesn’t mean it’s actually working for you. It’s working for HIM. He gets to keep on doing exactly what he wants, while you suffer and lose sleep. Now his relationship with his girlfriend has progressed to where he’s bringing her home to meet his parents. Of course you’re not okay with that.
You have no good option here. You’ve set the precedent that you’ll stay and go along with whatever he says, no matter what. You have zero leverage. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings. He cares about doing whatever the fuck he wants. There’s no solution here but to leave. The elephant in the room is that he’s been unfaithful before, what, twice?
Don’t go to this thing if it’s not convenient for you. Rest up and use your energy to make an exit plan.July 29, 2021 at 4:54 am #1095961briseGuest
Why do you think you would look “antisocial” if you don’t attend your husband’s mistress meeting his parents??? What a strange self-hate.
Of course not. It will look as the truth: you are hurt and offended by this insult and betrayal of your marriage. If you want his parents to know, just don’t go. It will be obvious. By the way, I wouldn’t talk to his parents about your marital problems. You are not a little girl and they are his parents, they won’t meddle in your marriage and take your side.
Anyway, your marriage is dead and is a fake smile already. Don’t go, have a minimal pride and sense of your own dignity, please.
Do work for your career and visit a divorce attorney while this family introduction takes place.July 29, 2021 at 5:18 am #1095964
Another reason not to go, like Brise pointed out, is you make a small point to your husband and his parents that you’re not going to provide cover for his affair. Let him show up with his girlfriend and her third wheel partner looking like a weirdo without you. Then it’s no longer two couples enjoying a beach day. It’s… Something that makes you go hmmm.July 29, 2021 at 5:44 am #1095965FYIGuest
I have to ask why this whole commentariat should be again roped in to help solve a problem that you don’t want solved, Tina.
Every. single. person. on here has told you to leave this marriage. Over and over.
Can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m not going to waste my breath again.July 29, 2021 at 6:21 am #1095967LisforLeslieGuest
Oy vey. Why why why do you stay with this person who so clearly does not ever consider your feelings ever and shows not an ounce of kindness or love to you?
Here’s how you avoid being antisocial: Call his parents. Say that you are so sorry that you can not attend and that you asked your husband to switch dates but he said it wasn’t convenient for him. Do not tell them the things they don’t want to hear. They’ll see it all soon enough. If anything you can say “Well I’m not happy with the situation and I’m very sorry that I’ll miss spending time with you. Feel free to check in with me if you like. You have my cell phone.”July 29, 2021 at 7:53 am #1095970PassingByGuest
I feel like there’s some context I’m missing when you put “female friend” in quotes…
If they think you’re antisocial, how is that a problem?July 29, 2021 at 8:55 am #1095976ktfranParticipant
I was thinking about you the other day Tina and wondered if you finally left. I guess not. That’s a shame.
If you want to decline the situation, do so. Don’t worry about what’s happening at the beach house. His parents will probably see through the “friendship” anyway.
Personally, I’d love to see how they all interact around your husband’s parents. Or around you. You do know people who witness them probably feel sorry for you. Or pity. Wondering why you don’t see what they see and leave. Don’t you want people to look at you and think “Wow, what a strong woman. Her husband is a cheat and a flirt and she got out. Good for her. I applaud her!”?July 29, 2021 at 9:00 am #1095979
I feel like the title of this post, and the quotes around “female friend,” indicate that you know this is a romantic relationship, Tina. Why are you okay with this? What are you really getting from your marriage?July 29, 2021 at 3:01 pm #1095992BittergaymarkGuest
Eh, this letter writer is so willfully clueless the two husbands are probably the ones fucking… Meaning both women are nothing but cover.
??♂️July 29, 2021 at 5:40 pm #1095994bloodymediocrityParticipant
Hey, maybe let’s not rag on Tina while she’s being transparent and genuinely seeking help. This is progress. It’s just as easy to just not post anything than it is to say something mean.
I think Kate’s advice of telling the parents that you’re sorry you can’t make it and your husband is unwilling to change the date is a great idea. If they’re anything like my parents they’ll A) kick his ass and B) change the date themselves.
All of this is weird at best.
The general “you’re unhappy in this marriage and your husband doesn’t respect you or your desires so why are you here?” advice still stands.July 29, 2021 at 6:08 pm #1095996
That was Leslie’s advice and it was solid.